I learned in church today

[Non Sequitur]

What's with the veiny, Popeye forearm on that girl?

[SCcoug]

What's with the veiny, Popeye forearm on that girl?

Try out the glove and you'll understand.

[Portland Ute]

Try out the glove and you'll understand.

"If the glove don't fit, you must sit."

[RC Vikings]

What is the history behind F & T meeting?

[creekster]

What is the history behind F & T meeting?

An overburdened second counselor who was overdue for a release hit on the idea once when he realized he had once again failed to get speakers for a sacrament meeting.

[venkman]

I do think people need to be reminded, gently, from time to time that there are better ways to bear testimony in sacrament meeting. Singing, travelogues, looonnnng testimonies, confessions, etc., will always be with us but I'd sure like to keep them at a minimum. Sounds like your guy went too far. Kind of like a relative of mine who routinely chastised people for ending prayers "in Jesus' name." She thought it was essential to add "Christ." Give me a break.

Are you kidding? Keep those at a maximum, that's what makes open mic awesome! Okay, not the loooong ones, unless it's a long confession.

[Dwight Schr-ute]

I'm glad someone broke out the Testimony Glove. If you promised to go up to the pulpit wearing it and refer to it finger by finger throughout your statement of truthynesses, I would totally send you a glove.

[wuapinmon]

We were taught that the thing keeping us from reaching our goal (that's not about numbers!) of merely DOUBLING Sacrament attendance from 161 to 322 by the end of 2014 is that we're not paying our tithing or coming to tithing settlement.

I left with 5 minutes left. I couldn't take any more of the dunderheaded logic of "This isn't to quantify our success, but here are a bunch of 'key indicators' of our progress towards our goal." After one year of the three year plan (sounds reminiscent of Soviet Russia, no?) our attendance has increased from 161 to 164. Our convert baptisms were 6, now they want 12. Our MP holders # was 55; they want 70. Our recommend holders is 107; they merely want every single endowed member of the ward to have a recommend within two years. If the revelation stalls, don't blame it, blame the faithlessness of those subject to it. Christ was only mentioned in the penultimate word of the opening prayer. Maybe they brought it round at the end, but it felt more like a "we have to do this because the stake president had a prompting" meeting than a Christ-centered church meeting.

Of all the topics we could've covered during a 5th Sunday lesson, they chose statistics of the bureaucracy. This is the kind of shit that drives people like me away.

[Goatnapper'96]

We were taught that the thing keeping us from reaching our goal (that's not about numbers!) of merely DOUBLING Sacrament attendance from 161 to 322 by the end of 2014 is that we're not paying our tithing or coming to tithing settlement.

I left with 5 minutes left. I couldn't take any more of the dunderheaded logic of "This isn't to quantify our success, but here are a bunch of 'key indicators' of our progress towards our goal." After one year of the three year plan (sounds reminiscent of Soviet Russia, no?) our attendance has increased from 161 to 164. Our convert baptisms were 6, now they want 12. Our MP holders # was 55; they want 70. Our recommend holders is 107; they merely want every single endowed member of the ward to have a recommend within two years. If the revelation stalls, don't blame it, blame the faithlessness of those subject to it. Christ was only mentioned in the penultimate word of the opening prayer. Maybe they brought it round at the end, but it felt more like a "we have to do this because the stake president had a prompting" meeting than a Christ-centered church meeting.

Of all the topics we could've covered during a 5th Sunday lesson, they chose statistics of the bureaucracy. This is the kind of shit that drives people like me away.

When they make me a Bishop I am finishing every pep talk 5th Sunday accountability report with Motley Crue's "Don't go away mad....just go away!"

[wuapinmon]

When they make me a Bishop I am finishing every pep talk 5th Sunday accountability report with Motley Crue's "Don't go away mad....just go away!"

I'm not a girl!

[Mormon Red Death]

I'm not a girl!

Not yet a woman...

[Omaha 680]

A couple of weeks ago we moved in with my parents while we look for a house to buy. This means we left the branch we were serving in and are now attending the ward I grew up in temporarily. I wear my hair pretty long. I'm not ready to front a Poison tribute band, but it's definitely not missionary grooming standards. However, I lasted over three years in the branch without once being told to cut it. This included time serving as EQP and in the branch presidency. Our first Sunday in my parents' ward no less than three people told me to get a haircut. And my wife told me she caught several more staring at me. I don't think twice about stuff like this. I just laugh it off. But this time it really, really bugged my wife for some reason.

[smokymountainrain]

A couple of weeks ago we moved in with my parents while we look for a house to buy. This means we left the branch we were serving in and are now attending the ward I grew up in temporarily. I wear my hair pretty long. I'm not ready to front a Poison tribute band, but it's definitely not missionary grooming standards. However, I lasted over three years in the branch without once being told to cut it. This included time serving as EQP and in the branch presidency. Our first Sunday in my parents' ward no less than three people told me to get a haircut. And my wife told me she caught several more staring at me. I don't think twice about stuff like this. I just laugh it off. But this time it really, really bugged my wife for some reason.

Long, but not Poison long. Sounds about the same length as Jesus' hair. Yep, you better get it cut, you damn sinner.

[Goatnapper'96]

A couple of weeks ago we moved in with my parents while we look for a house to buy. This means we left the branch we were serving in and are now attending the ward I grew up in temporarily. I wear my hair pretty long. I'm not ready to front a Poison tribute band, but it's definitely not missionary grooming standards. However, I lasted over three years in the branch without once being told to cut it. This included time serving as EQP and in the branch presidency. Our first Sunday in my parents' ward no less than three people told me to get a haircut. And my wife told me she caught several more staring at me. I don't think twice about stuff like this. I just laugh it off. But this time it really, really bugged my wife for some reason.

Are many of the members still there from when you grew up? It could be a situation where if you came as a hippy ass longhair stranger nobody would care, but since so many invested in your spiritual development your shaggy ass makes them feel like failures.

But as somebody who no longer has that option, unless I want to look like Gallagher, I say in the immortal words of George Costanza "for the love of God...live man..live!"

[Dwight Schr-ute]

We were taught that the thing keeping us from reaching our goal (that's not about numbers!) of merely DOUBLING Sacrament attendance from 161 to 322 by the end of 2014 is that we're not paying our tithing or coming to tithing settlement.

I left with 5 minutes left. I couldn't take any more of the dunderheaded logic of "This isn't to quantify our success, but here are a bunch of 'key indicators' of our progress towards our goal." After one year of the three year plan (sounds reminiscent of Soviet Russia, no?) our attendance has increased from 161 to 164. Our convert baptisms were 6, now they want 12. Our MP holders # was 55; they want 70. Our recommend holders is 107; they merely want every single endowed member of the ward to have a recommend within two years. If the revelation stalls, don't blame it, blame the faithlessness of those subject to it. Christ was only mentioned in the penultimate word of the opening prayer. Maybe they brought it round at the end, but it felt more like a "we have to do this because the stake president had a prompting" meeting than a Christ-centered church meeting.

Of all the topics we could've covered during a 5th Sunday lesson, they chose statistics of the bureaucracy. This is the kind of shit that drives people like me away.

This reminds me of an experience I had during the mission in Southern California. Like most missions, ours was very goal oriented and it seems like we were in some eternal contest with the Salt Lake City mission on the most convert baptisms in the country for a given month.

During one particular conference, one of the assistants to the president that I thought particularly little of, spoke about recently reading the book Jonathon Livingston Seagul. Having been very familiar with the story and actually gave me some great perspective during those 24 months. If you're not familiar with the story, it's simply about a seagull who discovers that there's more to life than just squabbling for food. Life was about flying perfectly. At one point the story makes
The point that perfect flight isn't 50 mph, or 100 mph, or 500 mph because any number is just a limitation. Perfect flight is about being in the moment.

So here we are in a goal setting lecture an the AP I quoting this very line and I'm getting my hopes up that maybe, finally, we're getting past all of these number games when Mr. AP wraps it all up with the comment, "So Elders, when making your monthly goals, remember the lesson of Jonathon Livingston Seagul, perfect missionary work isn't 2 baptisms, or 4 baptisms. We need to stop putting limitations on oursleves, exercise some faith and set our goals higher."

Sigh.