I learned in church today

[Omaha 680]

Are many of the members still there from when you grew up? It could be a situation where if you came as a hippy ass longhair stranger nobody would care, but since so many invested in your spiritual development your shaggy ass makes them feel like failures.

But as somebody who no longer has that option, unless I want to look like Gallagher, I say in the immortal words of George Costanza "for the love of God...live man..live!"

That's actually what I told my wife. The one who gave me the most guff was the Stake President who was my YM president for a while and my YM basketball coach from the time I was a deacon until I graduated. I consider him a good friend. Also, my dad was Bishop when I was in YM and he's in the Stake Presidency again so I'm sure I am held to a "higher" standard in some people's eyes.

Again, it doesn't bug me at all. I've decided to be in the church for better or for worse and I know there are some cultural things about it that can get annoying. If a priesthood leader ever pressed me about it, I would probably discuss in private that the marks I am willing and striving to meet are the temple recommend questions. I actually shave off my hair every few years on my own when I get annoyed with it falling in my face on the tee box.

[Moliere]

We were taught that the thing keeping us from reaching our goal (that's not about numbers!) of merely DOUBLING Sacrament attendance from 161 to 322 by the end of 2014 is that we're not paying our tithing or coming to tithing settlement.

I left with 5 minutes left. I couldn't take any more of the dunderheaded logic of "This isn't to quantify our success, but here are a bunch of 'key indicators' of our progress towards our goal." After one year of the three year plan (sounds reminiscent of Soviet Russia, no?) our attendance has increased from 161 to 164. Our convert baptisms were 6, now they want 12. Our MP holders # was 55; they want 70. Our recommend holders is 107; they merely want every single endowed member of the ward to have a recommend within two years. If the revelation stalls, don't blame it, blame the faithlessness of those subject to it. Christ was only mentioned in the penultimate word of the opening prayer. Maybe they brought it round at the end, but it felt more like a "we have to do this because the stake president had a prompting" meeting than a Christ-centered church meeting.

Of all the topics we could've covered during a 5th Sunday lesson, they chose statistics of the bureaucracy. This is the kind of shit that drives people like me away.

God is obviously a statistician, otherwise he wouldn't have known he left the 99 to find the 1.

[OrangeUte]

I learned in church today that I am an immature 12 year old who still gets the church giggles in embarrassing ways. We have a very nice woman in our ward who sings the hymns opera style. The falsetto isn't a problem but her linger longer on many of the notes got my 3 boys giggling and then I couldn't help it any longer. I had to pretend to be taking my oldest out into the foyer bc I was losing it. Poor kid. His mom is going to want to really kill him when we go back in after the sacrament is passed. That's right, it happened before we even got to the sacrament. I am ashamed but its been awhile since I was that amused so it felt good to laugh. Shame on me.

[Non Sequitur]

I learned in church today that I am an immature 12 year old who still gets the church giggles in embarrassing ways. We have a very nice woman in our ward who sings the hymns opera style. The falsetto isn't a problem but her linger longer on many of the notes got my 3 boys giggling and then I couldn't help it any longer. I had to pretend to be taking my oldest out into the foyer bc I was losing it. Poor kid. His mom is going to want to really kill him when we go back in after the sacrament is passed. That's right, it happened before we even got to the sacrament. I am ashamed but its been awhile since I was that amused so it felt good to laugh. Shame on me.

I've been in a couple of wards with vibrato singers. It's not just that they sing with vibrato, it's that they're usually loud singers as well. While those singers are funny, the best are the loud, off-key singers. That never fails to crack me up.

[CardiacCoug]

I've been in a couple of wards with vibrato singers. It's not just that they sing with vibrato, it's that they're usually loud singers as well. While those singers are funny, the best are the loud, off-key singers. That never fails to crack me up.

Yep.

We had this lady last week who was singing really loudly and totally off-key.

Tone deafness is fascinating. I wonder how it happens and what it would be like to be tone deaf and realize it and to be tone deaf and not realize it.

[clackamascoug]

We have some occasional visitors from Coos Bay, a husband and wife team, that sing with the full gusto of broadway performers. I think they even hold hands while singing. They are so loud, and in key, and full vibrato, that it throws the rest of the ward off. They are delightful people, who sing with extraordinary presence. I bet they would be really good at Balderdash. Or Twister.

[hostile]

Yep.

We had this lady last week who was singing really loudly and totally off-key.

Tone deafness is fascinating. I wonder how it happens and what it would be like to be tone deaf and realize it and to be tone deaf and not realize it.

We have a guy in our ward who has some underlying psychiatric disorder. His medications give him a pretty flat affect and a near emotionless personality. He loves to sing in sacrament meeting. Not only is he tone deaf, he fails to realize he is the loudest voice in the congregation by quite a bit. Also, he can't read music and frequently holds notes longer or starts verses too soon. He also has a painful vibratto in his voice but I can't tell if is purposeful. Listening to him sing is awesome.

[YOhio]

I've heard of people who use their phone to record bad singers in their ward and then text the performance to friends. They all point fingers and laugh, but its really then who looks foolish.

[UtahDan]

I've heard of people who use their phone to record bad singers in their ward and then text the performance to friends. They all point fingers and laugh, but its really then who looks foolish.

-Jack Handy

[RC Vikings]

Or Twister.

Naked twister?

[San Juan Sun]

Did clack get hacked? I never thought I'd see a pic like that in The Foyer.

[clackamascoug]

Did clack get hacked? I never thought I'd see a pic like that in The Foyer.

I'm on medicine/drunk today... I auto corrected.

[smokymountainrain]

Tone deafness is fascinating. I wonder how it happens and what it would be like to be tone deaf and realize it and to be tone deaf and not realize it.

I'm tone deaf and not only realize it but am reminded of it nearly every day by my kids. I married into a very musical family and Mrs SMR, in particular, is very talented. My kids, so far, all have their mother's ability to sing/hear, etc. The only times I sing loudly is when I want to make my wife laugh (I just sing what for me is completely normal - not trying to be funny) or give my kids something to make fun of.

To be completely honest, however, while I'm never on tune when I sing - according to my family - to me, I sound the same as everybody else.

[HuskyFreeNorthwest]

That 1-4 church is part of Lucifer's plan.

I'd like to hear more about these vibrator singers.

[doctorcoug]

That 1-4 church is part of Lucifer's plan.

I'd like to hear more about these vibrator singers.

Lelo nea...it is the best intro vibrator for Mormon women.

via a galaxy s3 far far away