Jokes

[Brian]

How can you tell if there is a guy in the next room playing the bagpipes?
You can hear him.


Why do they put billboards on the side of the roads?
So you don't run into them.

What do a bike and a duck have in common?
Handlebars. Except for the duck.


What has 4 legs, pointy ears, a tail that wags, long snout, is furry, fetches things, and barks?
(They usually can guess "A Dog!")
Ahh, you've heard it before.


What is green, grows in front of your house, has to be cut once a week, is fun to play on, and has wings.
Hmm, I don't know.
Grass! I was just kidding about the wings.



Draw this picture:



Why do birds fly in a V formation with one side longer than the other?
(Point at the long side) Because there are more birds on this side.


What did the hippy say to the baker?
Do you have any bread?

What did the cowboy say when his dog fell in the fire?
Hot dog!

What's the sure sign of a clean nose?
Finger prints.




Stir up the Campbells, soup is good food.

[wuapinmon]

I sent that to my FIL, who decided to play spoilsport:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/milit...bbedmarine.asp

Don't mess with the Marine Mythos; they will <redacted> you up, man.

[TripletDaddy]

How can you tell if there is a guy in the next room playing the bagpipes?
You can hear him.


Why do they put billboards on the side of the roads?
So you don't run into them.

What do a bike and a duck have in common?
Handlebars. Except for the duck.


What has 4 legs, pointy ears, a tail that wags, long snout, is furry, fetches things, and barks?
(They usually can guess "A Dog!")
Ahh, you've heard it before.


What is green, grows in front of your house, has to be cut once a week, is fun to play on, and has wings.
Hmm, I don't know.
Grass! I was just kidding about the wings.



Draw this picture:



Why do birds fly in a V formation with one side longer than the other?
(Point at the long side) Because there are more birds on this side.


What did the hippy say to the baker?
Do you have any bread?

What did the cowboy say when his dog fell in the fire?
Hot dog!

What's the sure sign of a clean nose?
Finger prints.




Stir up the Campbells, soup is good food.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants over the hill.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill and wearing sunglasses?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

How many elephants can you fit in a VW?
4. Two in the front, two in the back.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your house?
Elephant tracks inside your house.

How can you tell if 4 elephants have been in your house?
VW parked out front.

[wuapinmon]

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill and wearing sunglasses?
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

I think my dad told me this joke at least 100 times. He usually followed it with these:

Why did the elephants paint their toenails red?
So they could hide in strawberry patches.

Who was purple and conquered the world?
Alexander the Grape

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
Wave.

[Devildog]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so.. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong."

[Donuthole]

I think my dad told me this joke at least 100 times. He usually followed it with these:

Why did the elephants paint their toenails red?
So they could hide in strawberry patches.

Who was purple and conquered the world?
Alexander the Grape

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
Wave.

My dad used to tell some of those, too. He also told this one:

How do you get out if you're trapped inside an elephant?
Run around in circles until you're pooped out.

[falafel]

What did General Washington say to his men before they got in the boat to cross the Delaware?

"Men, get in the boat."
___

Where did General Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

[BigFatMeanie]

I tried the "I'm up" knock knock joke out on my kids last night. They thought it was hilarious.

[wuapinmon]

My dad used to tell some of those, too. He also told this one:

How do you get out if you're trapped inside an elephant?
Run around in circles until you're pooped out.

Since so many people know these, I wonder if they came from something that was part of a cultural touchstone? Like if all our dad's got their jokes from Bazooka gum or some tv show, or was it just dissemination through the culture via word-of-mouth.

My dad would also tell shaggy dog jokes, and when I was little I'd get so mad about them. He would sometimes drag them out for like 5 minutes.

Some of my favorite jokes are from Jerry Clower. He was a funny man. My dad would try and tell them in his own way, but Clower was special. Just listen to him pronounce "Miss sippy."

[YOUTUBE]SYbpxGRpZtY[/YOUTUBE]

[YOUTUBE]-AX9QoFhEhI[/YOUTUBE]

[Mormon Red Death]

So a first grade teacher is having a game where a student is blindfolded and the teacher puts something in their hand and they have to guess what it is. The teacher blocking out the rest of the class starts with a little girl puts a hershey kiss in her hand.

Teacher: "Do you know what this is?"
Girl: "No"
Teacher: "put it in your mouth... Now do you know what it is?"
Girl: "No"
Teacher: "I will give you a hint. Its something your dad asks your mom for every morning before he leaves for work"

Just then from the back of the room the whole class hears:

SPIT IT OUT! ITS A PIECE OF ASS!!

[TripletDaddy]

i like how the punchline is a quote

[DrumNFeather]

Did you hear about the miracle that happened to the blind carpenter?

He picked up his hammer and saw...

[MarkGrace]

Did you hear about the miracle that happened to the blind carpenter?

He picked up his hammer and saw...

haha

[MarkGrace]

IPU wanted to share something. I'm passing along a joke he told me.

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked
her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow! What a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until
you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the
lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll
take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and
you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work, and you can just pay him the $50?' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[MarkGrace]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.