Jokes

[Surfah]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.

That ain't right, but I LOL'd.

[BigPiney]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.

Ha, that is horrible. I shouldn't be laughing.

[hostile]

Little Timmy goes to the zoo with his dad. Upon entering he sees the elephant house and yells "I wanna feed the elephants!!!" His dad hands him 2 quarters to buy peanuts and Little Timmy takes of running for the elephants. When Timmy's dad enters the elephant house a few minutes later he is astonished to see his son pushing peanuts into the elephants butt.

"Timmy, why on earth are you putting peanuts in the elephants butt?"

"Well dad, when I got here I asked the other end how many peanuts he wanted and he didn't say anything. So I came back here and asked the same question and he said, 'A feewwwwww.'"

[creekster]

What do you do for a dog without any legs?

Take him for a drag.




(This joke was etched into the vinyl of a Joe Walsh record that I bought in about 1975 or so)

[SuperGabers]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.

That one put a smile on my face. I needed that.

[FMCoug]

A guy is walking down the street and sees a homeless guy. Homeless guy asks for money for a meal but he decides to ask him some questions first.

Q: There is a bar right around the corner. Are you sure you're not going to just go drinking?

A: No sir, I gave up drinking. That is behind me.

Q: Well we're not too far from the red light district. Are you sure you're not going to go pay for a hooker?

A: No sir, I gave up sex too. I'm a god-fearing man.

Q: I see. Well it's Sunday. Are you sure you're not just going to go the Sports Bar to watch the game?

A: No I don't watch football either.

The guy thinks about it and says "I think I'll take you home to meet my wife."

Why, is she a really good cook or something?

No, I just want to show her what happens when a man gives up drinking, sex, and football.

[Devildog]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?” The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

[Devildog]

The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for
some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You
graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied:
"Everything but my earrings."

[Devildog]

A woman in her early fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed, squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came back from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that I am not only healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 52-year-old ass?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

[Devildog]

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

[Devildog]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'



And then the fight started....

[Eddie]

This duck walked into the bar and climbed up on a bar stool. When the bartender came to take his order, the duck asked "Got any grapes?"

The bartender replied, "Of course not! This is a bar! We serve drinks, not grapes! Get lost!"

The next day, the duck again came into the bar and climbed up onto a bar stool. When the bartender asked what the duck wanted, the duck replied, "Got any grapes?"

"I told you YESTERDAY I don't have any grapes! We don't SELL grapes here! This is a BAR!!! Get lost!"

Another day passed, and the duck again visited the bar, climbed up on the bar stool, and again asked if the bartender had any grapes.

By now, the bartender was incensed. "Listen", he said "We don't have grapes. This is a bar. We have drinks. If you ask for grapes, one more time I'm going to nail your bill to the bar and leave you there! Now leave!"

A couple of days passed with no sign of the duck. But then once again the duck came into the bar and climbed up onto a bar stool.

"Got any nails", the duck asked?

The bartender replied "No."

"Great...got any grapes?"

[PaloAltoCougar]

A jungle explorer, suffering from severe constipation, comes upon a tribal shaman who gives him some ferns to eat, resulting in instant relief. Returning to his camp with a big smile on his face, his companions ask what changed his disposition. Holding up some of the ferns, he replied, "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

[Senioritis]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef.

[Donuthole]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef.

In that vein, one from childhood:

If you're American when you go into the bathroom and you're Asian when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European!