Jokes

[RC Vikings]

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his

monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey

starts running around the bar again.

While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino

cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,

pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies Jim.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,

he measures everything first."

My favorite so far.

[TripletDaddy]

Rape is funny?

[Devildog]

A couple had a dog that snored loudly. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Oh yeah...sure!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Finally, she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of red ribbon, and ties it carefully around the dog's balls. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home after drinking all night with his buddies, dead drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it works on him,too.

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's cahonies. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,

"I don't know where we been or what we done....but, damn, boy...we took first and second place!"

[Devildog]

I'm man enough that I don't have to advertise it to the world.

I'm glad you are good with words Wuap. You probably need to be.

[Color Me Badd Fan]

I heard this one on Tosh.O, but I swear I heard it before this. I suppose most of you have also heard it. I still thought it was funny.

"A woman sitting next to me asked me on a plane if her breath smelled like tacos. I told her 'I don't know, did you put cat shit in the tacos.'"

End joke.

I made my post in the other thread about the stuffed grape leaf taco looking like a cat turd while this joke was fresh on my mind.

[Color Me Badd Fan]

I heard this joke almost 20 years ago, and I just found it again online. The details of the joke are a bit different from what I remember, but the punchline is basically the same.

Two guys apply at a local newspaper company seeking employment. They only had one slot open so the company decided to give them a test. Whoever could write the best poem using the word 'Timbuktu' would get the job.

After an hour of writing, they were both brought in and told to read their best work.

The first guy read, 'Across the lands of grains and sand, there were three camels that were grand. Strong, brave, and noble, too, they rode to the land of Timbuktu.'

The company was very impressed but decided to hear the second man's poem anyway.

The second man came in and read, 'Me and Tim jumped a fence, met three hos in three tents. Seeing that them's was three and us was two, I bucked one and Timbuktu.'

[Soccermom]

I like blond jokes.

Two blonds walked into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Devildog]

Employee of the Month

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

His boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Devildog]

An armed and hooded robber bursts into a bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" the robber yells out. There are a few moments silence, then one elderly gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse".

[Devildog]

Why men make better friends

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

[Devildog]

Talking dog for sale.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into an equally broken-down backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's such a liar.... He never did any of that crap."

[il Padrino Ute]

http://www.cougaruteforum.com/showthread.php?p=347559

[Devildog]

I like blond jokes.

Blond gets into elevator, looks at this guy and says T.G.I.F.
Guy looks back and says S.H.I.T.
She says no, T.G.I.F, guy says S.H.I.T.
Blond gets pissed and says Thank God its Friday!!
Guy says Sorry Honey, its Thursday!!

[LA Ute]

Agree. Don't get me wrong. Rape jokes can be hilarious. But that one was just so-so.

I'm glad you are good with words Wuap. You probably need to be.

I sent that to my FIL, who decided to play spoilsport:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/milit...bbedmarine.asp

[Jarid in Cedar]

What is the definition of endless love?


Steve Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.