Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[RobinFinderson]

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

And me. I'm all for honesty.

[TripletDaddy]

Why is this the kids' businsess? This is what professionals call enmenshment. The parent can't separate his or her own interests from that of the children. I think a spouse that is so undisciplined and selfish is a good reason not to tell.

or a good reason to not be married to that person any longer. in which case, tell them the truth and move on.

I am not sure why the kids need to know. I am just observing that the kids always find out. Do you dispute this? In the cases of infidelity, the kids often find out? What is so shocking about that statement?

[tooblue]

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

I'd like to see your research.

[TripletDaddy]

Or... This is one of the distressing things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to protect those he loves. Much more compassionate that way.

I don't understand why you're convinced your opinion is the only correct one here.

There is no correct/incorrect here. That is your word, not mine. There are different approaches, however.

I have already stated that lying is definitely the more convenient approach.

[Babs]

This one was an especially nice touch. As though that is the only stance advocated by professionals "the world over." Oh, brother.

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

[SeattleUte]

No. I do think it is likely that the kids will eventually find out (from the mom) and then they will ask their dad about it. That seems to be a pretty natural consequence, isn't it? And when they do find out, they will most likely be mad at their dad.

This is one of the inconvenient things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to lie. Much easier that way.

Why is this the kids' businsess? This is what professionals call enmenshment. The parent can't separate his or her own interests from that of the children. I think a spouse that is so undisciplined and selfish is a good reason not to tell.

[TripletDaddy]

To be sure I understand your position, are you saying the only path to restoring the lost integrity requires the wife finding out? If that's so, then every decision from point A (the act) to point B (telling the wife) is w/o integrity, and I don't agree that's the case. Sure, guilt may be a factor in his subsequent ten years of fidelity, but an effort to restore his integrity may come into play as well.

I do not understand what you are asking here.

I don't even think that telling the truth "restores" the integrity. The 10 years of faithfulness is equally as important to helping restore things. There are many moving pieces to the issue. You can't restore integrity by admitting your affair, anymore than you can regain trust by confessing the affair to your wife. It takes time to rebuild.

[beelzebabette]

This is one of the inconvenient things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to lie. Much easier that way.

Or... This is one of the distressing things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to protect those he loves. Much more compassionate that way.

I don't understand why you're convinced your opinion is the only correct one here.

[TripletDaddy]

I realize this is probably splitting hairs. The wife didn't ask him if he'd been faithful from their vows forward. We're talking about omission.

Sounds like you've both paddled out to your island unnecessarily.

Have an affair. As long as the wife doesn't ask about it, you aren't really lying. Solid. The old omission/commission approach.

[TripletDaddy]

So now you're advocating for telling the kids? Get them involved in the process? Yes! Dad should be shamed before the little ones too! Is that it?

No. I do think it is likely that the kids will eventually find out (from the mom) and then they will ask their dad about it. That seems to be a pretty natural consequence, isn't it? And when they do find out, they will most likely be mad at their dad.

This is one of the inconvenient things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to lie. Much easier that way.

[beelzebabette]

This is one CUF island I am happy to populate solo. The more people that advocate lying, the more interesting this thread becomes.

Hey man, I'm on the island too. Just the two of us... with no women, and no reason to think that we will ever be joined by anyone else. May I offer you an non-alcoholic fruity cocktail?

I realize this is probably splitting hairs. The wife didn't ask him if he'd been faithful from their vows forward. We're talking about omission.

Sounds like you've both paddled out to your island unnecessarily.

[TripletDaddy]

Not true. My stance is the one advocated by qualified professionals the world over -- that is, that if there is little risk of the offended discovering the affair on his/her own, he/she should be spared the pain of the confession. If you had done even the most rudimentary research before mounting your soapbox, you would already know this.

See, TD, the world does not revolve around one principle alone. Often two or more principles conflict. And so there exists a hierarchy of principles. Perhaps each of us has to establish the hierarchy ourselves, but it exists nonetheless.

Nearly everyone would agree that honesty should be upheld. But very few would argue that honesty should be upheld at all times -- and I would argue that even those who suggest as much don't actually do so.

I have never advocated honesty at all times. We are focusing on an affair within a marriage. Yes, I advocate that the husband should tell his wife.

Your post has 2 not-so-thinly veiled message board tactics....the "I know what the experts say and you don't" tactic, and the "you're a hypocrite" tactic. So you have resorted to that, I see. SeattleUte already busted out the "I'm older and wiser" tactic. When is someone going to simply break down and start cursing?

My stance is the one advocated by qualified professionals the world over

This one was an especially nice touch. As though that is the only stance advocated by professionals "the world over." Oh, brother.

[RobinFinderson]

This is one CUF island I am happy to populate solo. The more people that advocate lying, the more interesting this thread becomes.

Hey man, I'm on the island too. Just the two of us... with no women, and no reason to think that we will ever be joined by anyone else. May I offer you an non-alcoholic fruity cocktail?

[beelzebabette]

I think that universally, everyone here agrees with that. The issue isn't whether it will cause harm. Of course it is going to hurt the wife to find out. It will likely anger the kids, too.

The issue is integrity and honesty.

As babes has indicated, in this scenario, the integrity is already destroyed, so by her own definition, people are making decisions without having integrity. Sounds like a great plan.

This is one CUF island I am happy to populate solo. The more people that advocate lying, the more interesting this thread becomes.

To be sure I understand your position, are you saying the only path to restoring the lost integrity requires the wife finding out? If that's so, then every decision from point A (the act) to point B (telling the wife) is w/o integrity, and I don't agree that's the case. Sure, guilt may be a factor in his subsequent ten years of fidelity, but an effort to restore his integrity may come into play as well.

[tooblue]

The church is also a corporation, or more accurately, several corporations. You know this, or if you don't, you have been asleep.

The Bishop does not have any concern for the corporations that the church owns -- plain and simple.