Interracial marriages and your kids

[Indy Coug]

I have to admit, if one of my daughter's brought home a guy that was a bushman, I'd have to laugh a bit and maybe give him a high five.

Yea, perhaps even cluck your approval.

[byu71]

I've seen up close several marriages that arose from a missionary going abroad and marrying someone from another country that they met on their mission and then having some serious issues to deal with because of the culture and distances involved.

Have you ever seen say two LDS folks from a small town. The guy was a RM and they got married in the Temple every have serious issues?

[Indy Coug]

Have you ever seen say two LDS folks from a small town. The guy was a RM and they got married in the Temple every have serious issues?

Of course. There are always the issues about money, work, housework, kids, discipline, porn, trust, showing love, forgiveness, etc. etc. etc.

What I'm saying is that you will still get all that PLUS potentially even MORE to deal with. That's why you need to have the intellectual honesty to realize that and take that into consideration. That said, it doesn't make it an automatic deal-breaker, nor should it.

[SoCalCoug]

I've seen up close several marriages that arose from a missionary going abroad and marrying someone from another country that they met on their mission and then having some serious issues to deal with because of the culture and distances involved.

That's a valid concern. But when the argument in regard to someone from the U.S. (unless they're from somewhere like Wyoming) I think in most cases it's just thinly-veiled racism.

[SoCalCoug]

I don't think someone's culture raises them - it's their family. Yes, the family may have particular cultural idiosyncracies, but I think if your children know their potential spouse and are comfortable with their family (who have a lot of influence on them), that's a much more significant predictor of marital success than culture.

[mUUser]

No issue with his (or her) race as long as the marriage was built on those things that create a strong marriage in the first place (which are race neutral). Adults can overcome those things without too much problem I'd think. (Interesting anecdote: Talked with a mixed-race couple who were friends of my parents that lived in the (SLC) neighborhood. They ended up moving to SoCal partly because Utahn's struggled with their relationship -- not in a bad way -- but felt most folks treated him like a rock star (black), while almost completely ignoring his wife (white). As a couple, they just felt more comfortable elsewhere.)

Anyway, 20 years ago I think the CHILDREN of mixed-race relationships struggled a lot socially, and perhaps one would have concern about a mixed relationship because of that. Today, however, it doesn't seem like such a big deal, so the concern about mixed-race marriages are minor to me.

[Indy Coug]

That's a valid concern. But when the argument in regard to someone from the U.S. (unless they're from somewhere like Wyoming) I think in most cases it's just thinly-veiled racism.

My mother ended a serious relationship (meaning they were close to marriage) with a person from another foreign culture because the more time she spent with him and his extended family, she saw what she considered to be significant cultural differences over the role of the woman in the home and how the women were treated by their husbands and concluded that those expecations would apply to her and that they would be unacceptable.

[falafel]

The issue I have with this, is that too often concern for "culture" is used to mask racism. For instance, years ago, my parents expressed the opinion (consistent with church counsel at the time) that interracial marriage should be discouraged because of the potential cultural differences. But since there are people of all races in my particular suburban culture, I think it's just a mask for racism.

Are our children really going to meet spouses from cultures that are so different from ours? It's not like they're likely to marry a Kalahari Bushman or a gypsy.

I agree with that. My point was more towards Scottie's original post, which seemed to be about a white momo chick and a dude from Africa. I would think there would be some significant cultural differences there.

I had a friend in high school who was a very popular, attractive (even to me!), athletic and smart guy. Seriously, he had all those qualities, in spades. He went on his mission to Mongolia and shortly after returning married a Mongolian girl and brought her back to Utah. This girl spoke ZERO english (I think she speaks a lot now), and had never been the U.S. I haven't ever discussed his marriage with him (we weren't THAT good of friends), but I always thought that he was in for a very rough ride. That is based partially on the fact that I married a white mormon girl, and my ride seemed pretty rough. I can only imagine what it was like for them. Having said all that, they are still married and appear to be doing well.

[Pheidippides]

Having said all that, they are still married and appear to be doing well.

Everybody appears to be doing well. Until they are no longer together.

The cultural issues are one of the major reasons why did not marry a Japanese woman (I have always had a thing for them, even pre-mish). That, and because SHW kicks ass.

[SoCalCoug]

My mother ended a serious relationship (meaning they were close to marriage) with a person from another foreign culture because the more time she spent with him and his extended family, she saw what she considered to be significant cultural differences over the role of the woman in the home and how the women were treated by their husbands and concluded that those expecations would apply to her and that they would be unacceptable.

Seems like a good decision based on interactions with the potential spouse's family. Again, because the family will be influenced by culture, I think your child would have all the information they need to make a wise decision. I think people who are overly concerned with culture tend to be more concerned with the "brown" and "black" cultures than they are with different "white" cultures.

If my daughter found a guy who grew up in a foreign country, where the "culture" was stereotyped as treating women poorly, but he treated her well, and the men in his family treated the women in the family well, is there really a concern?

[scottie]

JohnnyLingo, would you mind if your daughter married a Swede?

(wishing we had a laugh-out-loud emoticon)

[SoCalCoug]

(wishing we had a laugh-out-loud emoticon)

You mean like this?

[Indy Coug]

If my daughter found a guy who grew up in a foreign country, where the "culture" was stereotyped as treating women poorly, but he treated her well, and the men in his family treated the women in the family well, is there really a concern?

That's why you tell your daughter to take it into consideration and decide for herself it it's a concern or not.

[scottie]

You mean like this?

That's the one.

[UtahDan]

I've seen up close several marriages that arose from a missionary going abroad and marrying someone from another country that they met on their mission and then having some serious issues to deal with because of the culture and distances involved.

My thoughts are somewhat along these lines. My concern for my kids is whether the person is well matched to them, intelligent, a go-getter, treats them well and has similar values. All those things add up to a good marriage. I think it is often the case that it is tough to get all of that when the two people are from different countries and cultures. Certainly not impossible, people on this board have done it unless my memory fails, but harder.

In my ward growing up I am aware of three girls not much younger that I am, all of whom were, lets call it unlucky in finding their ideal mate. Each of them them met a man when they were in their late 20's early 30's who was not from the states and got married, one was African and the other two were South American. Two of them are now divorced and the third has a husband who (I believe) may soon be facing deportation proceedings. These were all guys who have very, very little going for them and situations were everyone sort of cringed when these otherwise smart women got married to them.

So race is not an issue to me, but being from another country or background does raise some flags. Obviously there is some intersection with race there, but the issues are related to, again, nationality and background rather than race.