Interracial marriages and your kids

[falafel]

As a parent, I think my only concern would be cultural, not racial. I would be concerned that my daughter or son might have a more difficult time making their marriage work if their spouse was from a very different culture. Sometimes the culture issue coincides with race, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm not sure I would voice any opinion, though.

[JohnnyLingo]

As a parent, I think my only concern would be cultural, not racial. I would be concerned that my daughter or son might have a more difficult time making their marriage work if their spouse was from a very different culture. Sometimes the culture issue coincides with race, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm not sure I would voice any opinion, though.

Bingo. Race? Zero bearing. Culture? A whole lot of bearing.

[Indy Coug]

One should absolutely dismiss it. What purpose could its considerations serve? If you love someone of a different racial makeup, and you consider the prophets' old advice on the subject, you will have doubts that serve no other purpose other than to muddy the waters of your relationship.

Assume you decide not to follow your heart, because of race difference. If you don't ever meet someone that is a better fit, you will forever regret/doubt your choice to 'follow the prophet.'

Assume you decide to marry the person of a different race. When things go bad, as they inevitably will from time to time, you will have this nagging doubt, 'Should I have given more consideration to the prophet's advice on interracial marriage?' Such patterns of thought can only harm the relationship.

I just can't imagine a situation where giving that advice even a moment's consideration would be useful.

Actually, I can imagine a situation. If one views marriage as a means to an end, rather than the natural outcome of following one's heart, then I suppose it would make sense to ask one's self, "Is dealing with the stuff that will happen as a result of marrying someone of a different race really the kind of thing I would like to do with my life?" Of course if one is considering this line of thought, that person probably isn't thinking very much about romantic love.

When Faith came into my life, I fell for her, head over heels. I didn't want to get married at the time. It was totally brutal, because I had just gotten home from my mission, and I was really looking forward to playing the field and having a lot of fun. But I fell for Faith, and I would have been a fool to have not leaped at the chance to follow my heart.

I guess what I am saying is this -- if you believe in true love, I can't see how race could ever be a reasonable consideration.

At the bare minimum

1. It will be an issue to others around you, possibly including relatives

2. There is the possibility there are significant differences in cultural norms and expectations

That doesn't mean you don't do it, but you'd be a naive fool not to acknowledge that these are very likely issues you and your spouse will have to deal with. Face it, if a marriage is already strained, these kinds of issues can potentially become back-breakers.

If you discuss these things with your prospective spouse ahead of time, you can get a better understanding of what you're getting into and you can begin to work together on how you are going to deal with outside social tensions or how you're going to handle your different cultural perceptions of what marriage is and how it relates to husband and wife, as well as extended family.

[byu71]

At the bare minimum

1. It will be an issue to others around you, possibly including relatives

2. There is the possibility there are significant differences in cultural norms and expectations

That doesn't mean you don't do it, but you'd be a naive fool not to acknowledge that these are very likely issues you and your spouse will have to deal with. Face it, if a marriage is already strained, these kinds of issues can potentially become back-breakers.

If you discuss these things with your prospective spouse ahead of time, you can get a better understanding of what you're getting into and you can begin to work together on how you are going to deal with outside social tensions or how you're going to handle your different cultural perceptions of what marriage is and how it relates to husband and wife, as well as extended family.

Indy, I can appreciate your opinion, but mine would be the extended family can like it or lump it. If a marriage's success depends on what the extended family is thinking, THAT can be a huge problem.

I may be oversensitive in this area, but the extended family and worrying about what they thought had a lot to do with my divorce.

[TripletDaddy]

My wife is due to give birth in January and I care very much about the race of the baby. I hope it doesn't make me a bigot, but if the little bugger that pops out is black I'll be pissed off.

forgive them for they know not what they do.

check yourself, amigo. quickly.

[SoCalCoug]

Followup question: how much say do you think you should have in the selection of your child's spouse?

Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.

I think that's one of the most intensely personal decisions someone can make. Parents should stay out of the decision unless specifically consulted.

[TripletDaddy]

I guess nothing is accomplished, but I'll laugh at someone who claims he/she doesn't have a concern in who his/her kids marry. (Not sure if that's what you mean by "don't even know what that means").

I see scottie is starting another 50 page thread (this is scottie's world, we are all just paying rent!).

I certainly care about the people whom my children marry, but as to race....not so much.

If the question is: are there potential challenges in a mixed race relationship that are not present in a single-race relationship? Then, sure, I see no reason to deny this.

If the question is: do you have a problem with your kids marrying outside their race, then my answer is that I am not concerned with that.

If the question is: do you care that your child marry someone that is supportive, not abusive, patient, committed, dedicated, loving, etc....then yes, I am VERY concerned about that. It would be fair to ask me the same question I posed....what benefit is there to worrying about whether your child marries someone with the qualities that I list above. For me, I differentiate between those qualities and race because it is my duty as a parent to teach my children self-worth, esteem, character, etc. By marrying someone that lacks these traits, my child may be selling himself or herself short. If my child marries outside of the race, they are not selling themselves short. That distinction may not make sense due to my poor articulation.

[DU Ute]

forgive them for they know not what they do.

check yourself, amigo. quickly.

Come on, I don't think that was out of line.

Can we get a ruling, wuapinmon?

[SoCalCoug]

As a parent, I think my only concern would be cultural, not racial. I would be concerned that my daughter or son might have a more difficult time making their marriage work if their spouse was from a very different culture. Sometimes the culture issue coincides with race, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm not sure I would voice any opinion, though.

The issue I have with this, is that too often concern for "culture" is used to mask racism. For instance, years ago, my parents expressed the opinion (consistent with church counsel at the time) that interracial marriage should be discouraged because of the potential cultural differences. But since there are people of all races in my particular suburban culture, I think it's just a mask for racism.

Are our children really going to meet spouses from cultures that are so different from ours? It's not like they're likely to marry a Kalahari Bushman or a gypsy.

[Indy Coug]

Indy, I can appreciate your opinion, but mine would be the extended family can like it or lump it. If a marriage's success depends on what the extended family is thinking, THAT can be a huge problem.

I may be oversensitive in this area, but the extended family and worrying about what they thought had a lot to do with my divorce.

It's not what the extended family thinks, it's what they do. Again, if your potential spouse comes from a culture that has a completely different concept of how a marriage works and how it relates to extended family, you need to know that going in rather than finding out later.

I've seen this happen enough in the marriages of my siblings and my wife's siblings enough to know damn well how bad it can get.

It's not automatically an insurmountable obstacle, it's just something you need to be intellectually honest about when making such important decisions and making such a huge commitment.

[TripletDaddy]

The issue I have with this, is that too often concern for "culture" is used to mask racism. For instance, years ago, my parents expressed the opinion (consistent with church counsel at the time) that interracial marriage should be discouraged because of the potential cultural differences. But since there are people of all races in my particular suburban culture, I think it's just a mask for racism.

Are our children really going to meet spouses from cultures that are so different from ours? It's not like they're likely to marry a Kalahari Bushman or a gypsy.

I have to admit, if one of my daughter's brought home a guy that was a bushman, I'd have to laugh a bit and maybe give him a high five.

[byu71]

It's not what the extended family thinks, it's what they do. Again, if your potential spouse comes from a culture that has a completely different concept of how a marriage works and how it relates to extended family, you need to know that going in rather than finding out later.

I don't get a loan without knowing the interest rate. I don't buy a house without getting an inspection.

I agree it is something to think about. It is a tough call and I guess the time to discuss it with the child is when they start dating. When the child comes and says, we are getting married, it is probably too late to talk about, wo have you thought about this.

I have seen that done and the resentment that one of the families tried to break up the marriage before it got started can have long lasting effects, not always, but often.

[JohnnyLingo]

I think it's just a mask for racism.

Tip: Ask someone who you think is racist if they'd mind their daughter marrying a Swede.

[Indy Coug]

The issue I have with this, is that too often concern for "culture" is used to mask racism. For instance, years ago, my parents expressed the opinion (consistent with church counsel at the time) that interracial marriage should be discouraged because of the potential cultural differences. But since there are people of all races in my particular suburban culture, I think it's just a mask for racism.

Are our children really going to meet spouses from cultures that are so different from ours? It's not like they're likely to marry a Kalahari Bushman or a gypsy.

I've seen up close several marriages that arose from a missionary going abroad and marrying someone from another country that they met on their mission and then having some serious issues to deal with because of the culture and distances involved.

[TripletDaddy]

Tip: Ask someone who you think is racist if they'd mind their daughter marrying a Swede.

JohnnyLingo, would you mind if your daughter married a Swede?