2010 Tour de CUF--Bend, Oregon

[OrangeUte]

Please tell me HFN wore flip flops the whole ride... That would be awesome.

[OrangeUte]

Pretty nice report, PAC, imaginative as always. Sixty of those ninety miles were particularly fantastic - blasting downhill at speeds up to about 47 mph. Counterpointed, of course, by the 30 miles of unrelenting uphill, in big sections of 20 and 10 miles. Not impossibly steep, but a lot of uphill grinding.

There actually was a wardrobe malfunction, if you consider one of Steel Blue's cleat screws falling out, and the other so loose that he couldn't clip out. A little poetic license?

I guess my effort must have been pretty non-descript, if all the mention I get is about my mad skills with the woodburning set. On the other hand, I don't need to open myself up for more potential ridicule by the board sage.



You don't know how accurate your prediction was. With his precarious cleat situation, SB and HFN took an alternate route home, which eliminated about 1500 ft of climbing and had them home (taunting us with tales of brand new asphalt and no traffic) well before the rest of us.

Oh, and Bellavela accidentally smashed her cell phone in the car door. Try it sometime.

For the 2nd year in a row, the Tour de CUF was entirely composed of Y fans. Maybe we should rename it the Tour de CF. Don't any of you U fans know how to ride a bike?

We choose NOT to ride!

[SteelBlue]

I guess my effort must have been pretty non-descript, if all the mention I get is about my mad skills with the woodburning set.

You were a beast. I think you climbed more than anybody with the amount of times you cruised up, dropped back to check on people then cruised up again. I was very impressed.

[mtnbiker]

A mental lapse on my part, perhaps due to subconscious bitterness over losing, again, the Gray Jersey (sponsored by AARP!) to the best cyclist over 50 not named Archaea.

You were a beast. I think you climbed more than anybody with the amount of times you cruised up, dropped back to check on people then cruised up again. I was very impressed.

Gee, thanks, guys. The check's in the mail.

It was another great ride. We really enjoyed it, and especially enjoyed meeting with everyone again. All great people. And it was fun to meet HFN and BigPiney's families. Thanks again to HFN for hosting, and for the mid-ride ice & drinks, and to PAC and Mrs. PAC for the post-ride recovery goodies.

Since Archaea doesn't fly out until tomorrow, he rode a good portion of the loop again today. Wow.

We choose NOT to ride!

That may be, but we'd love to have you ride. You're always welcome.

[Bellavela]

I'm sure PAC or one of the others will give a proper report, but I just wanted to report that not only did HFN survive but he's an awesome Tour de CUF host. Oh, and sassinator gets the lantern rouge this year.

An honor I almost took from sassinator due to a slight mechanical problem but thanks to our awesome mechanic (mtnbiker) I was able to finish the ride. Thanks for coming to my rescue mtnbiker, you are awesome and look really good in those bike pants.


Thanks to everyone for another great CUF ride and special thanks to HFN who was a great TDC host.

[SteelBlue]

With his precarious cleat situation, SB and HFN took an alternate route home, which eliminated about 1500 ft of climbing and had them home (taunting us with tales of brand new asphalt and no traffic) well before the rest of us.

I consider that one of the top 5 decisions I've ever made in my life. Slightly above my decision to attend BYU.

[beelzebabette]

Bellavella and Mrs. PAC tied, yet again, for Best Grandmothers on Two Wheels. Seeing those women cranking up long grades and flying down the descents should shame anyone into a major fitness overhaul, or at least some very expensive liposuction.

[PaloAltoCougar]

I'm unsure why the red cheeks.... Seriously, you and Sass certainly have no cause for embarrassment. With your work schedules, to have completed 90 miles with 5-6000 feet of climbing in a very respectable time is remarkable. It was great sailing along with you amidst mountain pines and dog-costumed runners.

[bluegoose]

The view from the back of the breakaway....

For those that were hoping for an update on the jersey standings after the 2nd Annual TdC, PAC has already given an excellent summary of some of the hard fought battles for the White and Grey Jerseys. Here is a brief synopsis of what else occurred in the peleton this weekend in some of the other jersey categories:

Yellow Jersey – Thanks to a gutsy solo breakaway on the final descent into town, Archaea takes the maillot jaune for the overall victory in the general classification. The battle for the Yellow went down to the final descent back into town. Pushing aside offers from several teammates willing to help, Archaea boldly claimed “I don't need no stinkin' help from anyone!”, as he rode off into the distance, building up a insurmountable gap before reaching the first of several roundabouts leading back into town. All he needed was an open stretch of road, a rented piece of Cannondale Carbon and a 20-somethin', daisy duke short-wearin', relay runnin' blond out in front to bring him home just seconds ahead of the chase 1 group, which was led by BigPiney, mtnbiker and Bellavella. Some peleton members have privately criticized Archaea for not taking his share of pulls while on the flat sections in a group paceline (There. If that doesn't smoke him out, I don't know what will).

Polka Dot Jersey – The award for best climbing effort on the day goes to our very own Bigpiney, who climbed like a potted plant, dancing on his pedals up to the top of all 3 categorized climbs. Even if he hadn't amassed more points than anyone else at the end of the ride, a revolution would have been initiated by his supporters had he not won after launching a vicious attack on the slopes of the second, Category 1 climb of the day. He came all the way from the rear of the peleton, blowing past the competition on the lower slopes of the climb, quickly reeling in the race leaders before disappearing out of sight, never once shifting out of his big chainring and NEVER dropping below 14 mph.

Green Jersey – Due to the fact that Bigpiney and Archaea can't wear two different colored jerseys at the same time, the prize for sprint points falls by default on the broad, shapely, chiseled shoulders of bluegoose. He was able to sprint out to an early lead with solid efforts at the first sprint zone at Mt Bachelor, then again at Elk Lake and at the final location at Lava Lake. It makes it a lot easier to take the points when you are the one that gets to arbitrarily decide the sprint locations and typically does not offer more than about 2 seconds to the other rides to get the bike in gear and ready for the sprint before shooting off the front. But he certainly worked hard for it, as the Garmin data from the ride showed his HR north of 178 bpm at all three bunch sprints.

Biggest bonk of the day – While other riders may attempt to lay claim to this prize, this author has a unique perspective on the most profound, catastrophic engine failure of the day on the upper reaches of the hors categorie climb up Edison Ice Cave road. After being paced by Piney for more than 10 miles up the climb, ½ mile from the top, Bluegoose's forward progress came to a screeching halt as he cracked like a hard-boiled egg. Some speculate that he simply wanted a better view of PAC's backside for the conclusion of the climb. While this may or may not be true – he won't say - the fact remains that his speed went from 10 mph to 0 in about 2 nanoseconds. Following a quick road side catnap, he was able to climb back on the bike and hobble up to the completion of the climb, just seconds before the circling vultures went in for the kill.

Most aggressive rider – For the second year in a row, thanks to her aggressive attacking style and utter disregard for human life on the steep, fast descents, Bellavella used every bit of her 5'1” frame to reach speeds in excess of 47 mph and leave riders literally twice her size in the rear-view mirror. There was mass carnage along the side of the road in her wake, with some riders even reporting to have seen Jesus himself at the 30 mile marker. It is still unclear whether that was the Balm of Gilead he was seen carrying or if it was an OTC remedy for Steelblue's severe case of chafing from not having ridden more than 20 miles at a time in the past 2+ years.

Best wrench in the peleton – Not once, but twice, over the course of 2 miles were this rider's handy bike repair skilz required to assist other riders' mechanical problems. As previously mentioned, Steelblue found himself one screw short of a cleat and unable to clip in or out of his pedals. Finding himself in dire circumstances and ready to call in the SAG wagon, mtnbiker appeared on the scene and, with the speed and precision of an experienced orthopedic surgeon, quickly diagnosed the problem and began working on the solution. As he was applying a little elbow grease to improvise this situation, another unidentifiable rider was seen tampering with Bellavella's rear wheelset prior to setting off on a three person breakaway up the hill. Mysteriously, Bellavellas rear brake suddenly malfunctioned, leaving her feeling as if she was riding through quicksand before mtnbiker rode in on his white horse to save his damsel in distress. It has been proposed that this rider's moniker now be changed to MacGyverbiker. All in favor, please indicate......

There were many other accomplishments made this weekend which were certainly worthy of recognition, if only there were enough time and bandwidth. But needless to say, all of the riders rode admirably. We commented at the top of the first climb, which was a very, very difficult climb, how closely bunched the group really was. Several riders could have certainly made a good case for "Most Improved Rider" this year.

Those that were in Tahoe would likely agree that this route was comparable in quality to last year's route. The scenery was incredible, the roads were in excellent condition, and the company was superb. It was great to see Bigpiney and HFNW's families there. Thanks to the “Bend Eleven” for making it an enjoyable and memorable weekend.

[PaloAltoCougar]

The view from the back of the breakaway....

An excellent creekster-worthy stage report; thanks for that. Meanwhile, Archaea Tennyson sent me the following ode which understates Saturday's event:


1.

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the eleven.
"Forward, the Bend Brigade!
"Charge for the hills!" he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the eleven.

2.

"Forward, the Bend Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the cougar knew
Someone had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the eleven.

3.

Mountain to right of them,
Mountain to left of them,
Mountain in front of them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with cleat and ped,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Outta the mouth of Hell
Rode the eleven.

4.

Flash'd all their shoulders bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air,
Laboring the valleys there,
Charging a peak, while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged into crisp thin air
Right thro' the sky they broke;
Cougar and Cougette
Reel'd from the mountain top
Shatter'd and sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the eleven.

5.

Mountain to right of them,
Mountain to left of them,
Mountain behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with cleat and ped,
While sweat and gel fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of eleven.

6.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the Bend Brigade,
Noble Eleven.

[mtnbiker]

Wow, bluegoose and PAC, those were awesome.

I think I found my calling: mechanic to the stars.

[Jeff Lebowski]

Dang. I am sad I missed out.

[SteelBlue]

My report:

First I have to say that this was the first time I've ever met up with people that I only know on the internet. I will not lie, I was thinking it was going to be at least 6 kinds of awkward.

Goose and I rolled into town amid a sudden thunderstorm. Hoping it wasn't a sign of things to come we found our condo and began to unpack. The condo was a nice place, perfect for our needs and set-up. Got to meet Mtnbiker and Bella as well as Archaea at that point. It was funny seeing the looks on everyone's faces when I unloaded my loaner bike and set it amid the $15K worth of bikes set-up in the garage. While the bike was not pleasing to the eye it was just fine for my needs and actually a very decent bike 15 years ago. I was grateful for the loan on such short notice, even if it was a museum piece.

We headed out to Hutch's bike shop so Arch could flirt with the girl at the counter we could pick up some last minute supplies and then it was off to dinner. As we approached the car Bella noticed her phone sticking halfway out of the driver's side door and that said door was completely shut. Needless to say she was phone shopping in Bend on Saturday evening.

At the restaurant it was fun watching everyone arrive and recognizing most of them from pictures from the last ride or facebook etc... Dinner was great and just as I expected PAC played the Godfather role, keeping the conversation moving all throughout the meal. Everyone's meals looked huge except for poor Archaea's who I swear received 3 tortellinis in a gigantic plate. The food was an excellent pre-ride meal.

The ride began at the Mr./Mrs. PAC's hotel. It was here that goose and I made our first mistake by riding down from our condo instead of taking a car. Oh well, you live and learn. The group took off together after a brief photo shoot and way more information (from our random stranger photographer) about cycling in Maryland in the 40's than any of us ever needed to know. Once on the road, the climbing began almost immediately. We climbed at what I'd assume was about a 5% average grade for the next 2 hours. We did miss one turn at the very beginning which provided me with my favorite quote from the whole ride. Piney said "how could you guys have missed that sign?" I said, "I'm just following people, I didn't even see a sign." He smiles and says "It was two and a half stories tall with 6 foot lettering, I can see how you'd miss that."

I was quite happy to arrive at the top of that long climb and get a little bit of rest. I enjoyed getting to know some of my fellow CUFers as they blew past me up that hill. The scenery on this ride was incredible, and to add to it we found ourselves in the middle of a very large and well supported team relay (134 miles in 12 legs). This turned out to be a huge blessing because the roads were clogged with slow moving relay vans who were watching out for runners and kept any crazy drivers from speeding past. It was also very entertaining to see the runners going by. Some of them were costumed quite creatively. It was at that point that I think I received a sign that I wasn't worthy to be on this ride. One of those costumed runners was dressed as Jesus and he was growing impatient waiting for his van. He bolted across the street to join with some others in his group without seeing me and I had to lock on my brakes to not hit him. Of course he sees me and freezes in my path and then when he realizes I've braked enough not to collide with him he nobly waves for me to go first. Let's face it, even though I know it's just a guy dressed as Jesus, it lookslike Jesus telling me to "ride on my son". A very entertaining moment to say the least.

The ride was flat to slightly down hill with a few rollers until our next stop at Lava Lake campground. Prior to arriving there I was riding in a pace line with MrsPAC/BBB/Sassinator. I was being a parasite at the back and thought "I wonder if I could eat a Gu and still keep the wheel." The answer came immediately as I watched them disappear. Those women are beasts on the flats. We rode in to the campground as a big group hoping to find water and not seeing any readily available. I was completely out of water at this point and fairly certain I would die before the next stop without it. PAC asked a woman (who would end up being our next random photographer) if she knew where any water was. She stated quite matter of factly that "it's right behind you" (she didn't say "moron" but implied it with the tone of her voice) pointing to the lake. Needless to say she wasn't much help. BBB saved my life by buying me water (who forgets cash on a long ride?) at the campground store and I will forever be in her debt. After having about 200 photos taken by our kind photog, we attempted to leave only to have her stop us again and ask if we'd ride by in a line and let her snap a few shots of us that way. PAC gracefully declined and we were off.

The next leg consisted of HFN and I talking BYU football, the ridiculousness of going independent and basically solving the world's problems while climbing some hills that neither of us had been expecting and that neither of us really welcomed. There were a few moments on those hills that I wished I actually had collided with Jesus those 15 miles back. We did roll in to our lunch stop without either of us having needed CPR and we enjoyed the bounteous replenishment that HFN had himself provided. I get the sense that HFN is a dude that knows everyone in Oregon. He's got the power to get people to drop off lunch for random strangers in the middle of the forest on their own time. He's probably got the power to make you disappear. You can't discount that. After having my cleat repaired by Mtnbiker (this guy was like a super domestique, I swear he did some of the climbs twice helping people out) Husky and I were faced with a decision. Do we go back through Sun River and miss the climbing but face highway 97 and it's bad riding conditions? Or do we go for more climbing? It was an easy decision for me and thankfully HFN agreed to come along.

We dropped into Sun River and there were tourists everywhere hopping into the Deschutes river to float back into Bend. We toyed with the idea of tubing back, bikes hoisted over head but opted to ride. There was some decent climbing (at this point anything above 0 was a decent climb to me) as we approached Highway 97 and HFN was starting to get some quad cramping. Out of nowhere a truck appears and a guy that knows Husky (I told you) rolls down the window and asks if he needs anything. I would not have blamed HFN had he chucked his bike in back and SAGed it back to Bend as at this point he was already approaching his longest ride ever and we still had 15 miles to go (and we both still thought we had 25 to do). I will forever remember that he chose to suffer with me for another hour, even braving Hwy 97.

We finally got to 97 and a small miracle took place. Obama's stimulus money had built us a road (Yes we can!) and for now it was private. We rode on pristine, never driven asphalt for the next 7 miles missing all of the section of 97 where there was only 1 lane in each direction. When we were finally spit back onto that Highway we had a much safer situation and were in the home stretch.

As we rolled into Bend I was ready to be done. Fresh off the thrill of realizing the route was some 10 miles shorter than we'd been told, we toughed it out and made it back to PAC's hotel. We grabbed some shade and collapsed for the next half hour. I got to meet LadyDuckCoug and the kids and we hung out with the Piney clan as they waited for their dad to come in. Husky's kids wanted to know one thing: "did you win"? I told them we absolutely did win, by at least 20 minutes!

The climbers arrived and we had a very welcomed meal courtesy of the PAC's. Everything was good but the secret recipe cookies were what I needed most. I ate my body weight in those cookies and looked forward to the drive back to the condo where I could nap. At this point I realized goose and I had ridden our bikes down and so would have to ride back home. While only a few minutes away, getting back on that bike had to be the most painful part of the trip. I tried to stand up the whole way back but was unsuccessful.

I had a great time and thank all who came and rode with us. Everyone was very gracious and fun to hang out with. I can't wait to do it again next year.

Edit: I forgot one of my favorite moments of the ride. PAC and I were about a mile from the top of that 2 hour climb and in the spirit of shared suffering we both admitted to kind of not hating Taylor Swift. Then he dropped me like a hot rock. PAC can climb!

[PaloAltoCougar]

... I forgot one of my favorite moments of the ride. PAC and I were about a mile from the top of that 2 hour climb and in the spirit of shared suffering we both admitted to kind of not hating Taylor Swift.

Great report, except for the lamentable edit. It's amazing how a lactic acid overdose eliminates any last remnants of judgment or dignity. And on the drive to the office this morning, I actually joined in for a moment on You Belong With Me--a 57 year-old corporate lawyer singing "She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers..", after which I started sobbing and some nice people came to my aid.

They say they'll release me after a couple days of observation.

[PaloAltoCougar]

One final photo... Here's a shot of the pre-ride dinner, taken just at the moment when creekster appeared out of nowhere to award his trophy to bluegoose.