Question for the CUF Ladies

[myboynoah]

I firmly believe that no good can come from being friends with the people in your ward.

That's funny.

This whole topic points out that we seem to go through different social stages in our lives (and this is not just confined to interaction in a ward, but extends to all of or social groups).

Single
Married, no children
Married, young children
Married, children playing soccer
Married, older children
Married, no children, some grand children
Widowed
Dead

(I understand there can be a divorced option, but I don't believe in divorce, so I left it out.)

For the most part our friends tend to mirror our positions in the continuum.

There, I've stated the obvious

[Rosebud]

Who are is MoTab playing this week? Their last outing was brutal. They need to trade Wilberg and fast. Get some young blood in there.

Hey... they just hired a new associate director. He's got to be in his late 20s or early 30s and I think he's starting this week. You may not be into classical music... but this kid can play the organ!!! I'm thinking MoTab is in for a positive change.

[Rosebud]

I've never really fit into the moms' club, either. It's always fun to go hang out a little with the other moms but usually I don't feel like I have much in common with them. Truth is that most of them think I'm weird. (They're right, obviously.)

I really prefer living outside of Utah because I have more options to make friends with people that aren't in my ward. Being in Michigan is a plus. Maybe she needs to look at a third option. There have to be women to hang out with who aren't in her ward and who don't go to strip clubs. It's possible that she's just working with shallow women. There are lots of good community organizations she could get involved in that would help her make new acquaintances.

[Surfah]

Every ward I've been in, various leadership folks are always making a point to the men to babysit the kids so the wife can go to some RS activity. It's always amazed me that this would need to be emphasized.
Are there really men that refuse to watch their kids?

I learned early in my marriage that it's not called babysitting when it's your kid. Gidget set me straight.

As to the bigger issue here, I am kind of on the DDD side of things. This is just the place you are at. I've experienced the same thing. You get married and all of a sudden you don't hang out with your single friends so much anymore. You have a kid and then you don't hang out with your married friends without kids so much anymore.

[The Fourth Nephite]

My wife has recently begun to express negativity in respect to our ward and the women therein. She feels a bit isolated (her closest friend in the ward having recently moved) and excluded from the regular social activities of the other women her age (25-35) in the ward. We have dubbed them the Mommy Club. My wife is currently focused on her career and sans kids.

This group of Sisters frequently meet at parks, have playgroups, go to kid movies, etc. etc. My wife, in her desire to fit in, has most of these sisters as friends on Facebook. This only multiplies her frustration as she reads the posts commending one another on the great fun they had at said activity and how much they love each other.

My wife has made attempts to plan Girls' Nights and other adult only activities, but has had little response. (Apparently they all use same babysitter.)

My concern is that these negative feelings may sour her Sunday worship and ultimately her feelings toward The Church.

Any thoughts or suggestions ?

Dude, it's not complicated. Usually people become friends with people that are similar or have similar interests. Your wife is at a completely different stage of life than those in the "Mommies Club".

[LA Ute]

This will sound really cavalier, but just keep on serving and being kind to everyone, and be above cliques. This stuff works itself out over time.

[pellegrino]

There are lots of good community organizations she could get involved in that would help her make new acquaintances.

I agree with you, but that doesn't necessarily solve the negative feelings associated with church, which I think is SloanHater's greater preoccupation.

[KillerDog]

That's funny.

This whole topic points out that we seem to go through different social stages in our lives (and this is not just confined to interaction in a ward, but extends to all of or social groups).

Single
Married, no children
Married, young children
Married, children playing soccer
Married, older children
Married, no children, some grand children
Widowed
Dead

(I understand there can be a divorced option, but I don't believe in divorce, so I left it out.)

For the most part our friends tend to mirror our positions in the continuum.

There, I've stated the obvious

I just want to be left alone at Church. I have more than enough interests/responsibilities to take up my time. I don't need the Church for social purposes and I don't like it when others try and force me to socialize with them because they do.

[Gidget]

SloanHater - My advice would be similar to Marsupial's. I actually am in charge of and coordinate the Playgroup in our ward, and I would never think to invite someone who isn't a mom, especially is she works because we meet in the mornings and I would assume she is working and not interested in watching other people's kids run around. But if she does want to be included (I don't just mean in Playgroup, I mean more involved at all) she should ask around and put the word out there. I am sure that at least a couple of these women aren't complete a-holes and wouldn't mind trying to include her in more things at all. Our ward has an email list that goes around to all the women with all of the months activities. Aren't there any enrichment activities that would be a good start for her to get to know more of the women?

And as far as having things in common - it never ends trying to seek out that group at church - people have already commented that sometimes you just end up in one of those grooves where there aren't many people sharing your experience at that time in your life. And you just have to wait it out and make sure to include yourself where you can.

When we got married we moved into an older ward and there was no one our age that had a child our daughter's age. Literally, 85% of our ward had an average household size of 2 (most were retired). We made friends with the older couple that we sat next to every Sunday, and invited them over for dinner. Mind you, these people are like 60 and we were in our twenties. Well, we really fell in love with this couple and they loved us too. We had them over about once a month and even went to their house on a few occasions and met their kids (which were our age!) They have been great friends to us and when we went back to Utah for Surfah's sister's wedding we actually stayed at their house for that week!

[faith]

SloanHater - My advice would be similar to Marsupial's. I actually am in charge of and coordinate the Playgroup in our ward, and I would never think to invite someone who isn't a mom, especially is she works because we meet in the mornings and I would assume she is working and not interested in watching other people's kids run around. But if she does want to be included (I don't just mean in Playgroup, I mean more involved at all) she should ask around and put the word out there. I am sure that at least a couple of these women aren't complete a-holes and wouldn't mind trying to include her in more things at all. Our ward has an email list that goes around to all the women with all of the months activities. Aren't there any enrichment activities that would be a good start for her to get to know more of the women?

And as far as having things in common - it never ends trying to seek out that group at church - people have already commented that sometimes you just end up in one of those grooves where there aren't many people sharing your experience at that time in your life. And you just have to wait it out and make sure to include yourself where you can.

When we got married we moved into an older ward and there was no one our age that had a child our daughter's age. Literally, 85% of our ward had an average household size of 2 (most were retired). We made friends with the older couple that we sat next to every Sunday, and invited them over for dinner. Mind you, these people are like 60 and we were in our twenties. Well, we really fell in love with this couple and they loved us too. We had them over about once a month and even went to their house on a few occasions and met their kids (which were our age!) They have been great friends to us and when we went back to Utah for Surfah's sister's wedding we actually stayed at their house for that week!

Gidget - I love your story about connecting with the older couple. I think that sometimes these odd couple-seeming sorts of friendships end up being the most fun. Thanks for sharing.

[il Padrino Ute]

SloanHater - My advice would be similar to Marsupial's. I actually am in charge of and coordinate the Playgroup in our ward, and I would never think to invite someone who isn't a mom, especially is she works because we meet in the mornings and I would assume she is working and not interested in watching other people's kids run around. But if she does want to be included (I don't just mean in Playgroup, I mean more involved at all) she should ask around and put the word out there. I am sure that at least a couple of these women aren't complete a-holes and wouldn't mind trying to include her in more things at all. Our ward has an email list that goes around to all the women with all of the months activities. Aren't there any enrichment activities that would be a good start for her to get to know more of the women?

And as far as having things in common - it never ends trying to seek out that group at church - people have already commented that sometimes you just end up in one of those grooves where there aren't many people sharing your experience at that time in your life. And you just have to wait it out and make sure to include yourself where you can.

When we got married we moved into an older ward and there was no one our age that had a child our daughter's age. Literally, 85% of our ward had an average household size of 2 (most were retired). We made friends with the older couple that we sat next to every Sunday, and invited them over for dinner. Mind you, these people are like 60 and we were in our twenties. Well, we really fell in love with this couple and they loved us too. We had them over about once a month and even went to their house on a few occasions and met their kids (which were our age!) They have been great friends to us and when we went back to Utah for Surfah's sister's wedding we actually stayed at their house for that week!

This is a great little story, Gidget.

Once younger folks accept that our elders have a lot to offer when it comes to friendship, it's amazing the connection that can be made.

One of my best friends in the neighborhood was the WWII veteran who lived across the street. He was terrific.

[SloanHater]

Thanks to everyone that responded publicly and privately! (Especially the ladies)

Tripletdaddy has convinced me that buying a boat is the best and easiest solution. If it worked for him, I guess it can work for anyone.

[faith]

Sloan-hater,

Is your wife interested in reading? Perhaps, she can start a book group and invite sisters from the ward.

My very favorite ward that I attended became my favorite because of a book club. I was a brand new mother at the time and we had just moved to New Haven and I was in a student ward there. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to relate to the students, since I wasn't a student at the time. I was afraid that I wouldn't relate to the mothers because my child was only a newborn (and how much can you really discuss a newborn). I was working part-time and I didn't feel like I really belonged anywhere. A group of sisters invited me to participate in the book group and it was an incredible experience. I came to know and love those sisters like no others.

When I used to attend church, I often felt isolated because of my political views. Yet I discovered that there are good sisters everywhere, and that I could make friends with people with totally different worldviews. Even if I couldn't find bosom friends in some wards and branches, that became okay. It just made me not quite as enthusiastic to participate in the social parts of church. If you are a true believer, you will most likely stay with it.

[Surfah]

Gidget - I love your story about connecting with the older couple. I think that sometimes these odd couple-seeming sorts of friendships end up being the most fun. Thanks for sharing.

To echo what my wife has said, it was a bit discouraging when we first moved into our ward. HFN is familiar with the area as it was one of the old Butler wards. The primary had about 20 kids total. It was a geriatric ward.

Our first Sunday this older couple made room on their pew for us. Our daughter immediately fell in love with the wife. She'd wear big costume jewelery that my daughter coveted. She'd take our girl right out of our laps and bounce her on hers for the entire sacrament meeting. They have become dear friends to us. We have stayed at their home twice since moving from Utah last year.

So friends can come in all shapes, sizes, and ages.

[Babs]

I've never really fit into the moms' club, either.

lol. I don't doubt it.