Question for the CUF Ladies

[SloanHater]

My wife has recently begun to express negativity in respect to our ward and the women therein. She feels a bit isolated (her closest friend in the ward having recently moved) and excluded from the regular social activities of the other women her age (25-35) in the ward. We have dubbed them the Mommy Club. My wife is currently focused on her career and sans kids.

This group of Sisters frequently meet at parks, have playgroups, go to kid movies, etc. etc. My wife, in her desire to fit in, has most of these sisters as friends on Facebook. This only multiplies her frustration as she reads the posts commending one another on the great fun they had at said activity and how much they love each other.

My wife has made attempts to plan Girls' Nights and other adult only activities, but has had little response. (Apparently they all use same babysitter.)

My concern is that these negative feelings may sour her Sunday worship and ultimately her feelings toward The Church.

Any thoughts or suggestions ?

[Jarid in Cedar]

My wife has recently begun to express negativity in respect to our ward and the women therein. She feels a bit isolated (her closest friend in the ward having recently moved) and excluded from the regular social activities of the other women her age (25-35) in the ward. We have dubbed them the Mommy Club. My wife is currently focused on her career and sans kids.

This group of Sisters frequently meet at parks, have playgroups, go to kid movies, etc. etc. My wife, in her desire to fit in, has most of these sisters as friends on Facebook. This only multiplies her frustration as she reads the posts commending one another on the great fun they had at said activity and how much they love each other.

My wife has made attempts to plan Girls' Nights and other adult only activities, but has had little response. (Apparently they all use same babysitter.)

My concern is that these negative feelings may sour her Sunday worship and ultimately her feelings toward The Church.

Any thoughts or suggestions ?

Do you live in Cedar City? That describes our previous ward there to a T.

[Donuthole]

I am not a lady, but I'm into fashion and I enjoy interior decorating/design, so I'm going to go ahead and chip in my two cents.

Cliques do not end in high school. They do not end in college. Pretty much every ward with young couples has a clique of "cool couples," and most outsiders probably aren't going to break into that clique, even if they try.

My suggestion would be to be friendly to those in the "Mommy Club" but don't get caught up in trying to be a part of it. Surely there are other couples on the outside looking in. Look for them, and make friends with them. In doing so, you'll do both them and yourselves a favor.

[TripletDaddy]

My wife has recently begun to express negativity in respect to our ward and the women therein. She feels a bit isolated (her closest friend in the ward having recently moved) and excluded from the regular social activities of the other women her age (25-35) in the ward. We have dubbed them the Mommy Club. My wife is currently focused on her career and sans kids.

This group of Sisters frequently meet at parks, have playgroups, go to kid movies, etc. etc. My wife, in her desire to fit in, has most of these sisters as friends on Facebook. This only multiplies her frustration as she reads the posts commending one another on the great fun they had at said activity and how much they love each other.

My wife has made attempts to plan Girls' Nights and other adult only activities, but has had little response. (Apparently they all use same babysitter.)

My concern is that these negative feelings may sour her Sunday worship and ultimately her feelings toward The Church.

Any thoughts or suggestions ?

I don't understand the dilemma.

Your working wife with no children is surprised that she doesn't have a lot of daily social commonalities with women that are SAHMs raising children? And she is discouraged because these women talk about their activities and their experiences raising children, yet don't seem to take much interest in the goings on in a single person's life?

Is your wife annoyed that she doesn't have a lot in common with the Laurels in your ward, as well? Both groups are one step removed from your wife's current station.

Personally I am not sure anything can be done, short of moving, having your own children, or accepting the fact that single/DINK/SIK are all vastly different social stations in the informal Church social structure.

[TripletDaddy]

I am not a lady, but I'm into fashion and I enjoy interior decorating/design, so I'm going to go ahead and chip in my two cents.

Cliques do not end in high school. They do not end in college. Pretty much every ward with young couples has a clique of "cool couples," and most outsiders probably aren't going to break into that clique, even if they try.

My suggestion would be to be friendly to those in the "Mommy Club" but don't get caught up in trying to be a part of it. Surely there are other couples on the outside looking in. Look for them, and make friends with them. In doing so, you'll do both them and yourselves a favor.

One sure-fire way to get into any clique: buy a boat. I don't know what it is with Mormons and boats, but for whatever reason Mo's love boats. All of a sudden everyone is your friend when you have a boat.

Rent one for awhile just and test it out. In case I am wrong you wont be stuck with a depreciating asset.

[Eddie]

I'm not one of the gals, but I've seen what you describe quite a bit as well. Just different places in life with different things going on.

It seems like most of the play dates, park visits, movies, etc. are things that the women go to during the day - when they are all home with the kids and husbands are at work. Kids becomes the focus of their world, which makes it the focus of their discussions and activities. Which is OK, but can cause women like your wife to be left out.

The reason ladies night out doesn't seem to work is because they tend to have this complex that once the husband is home they want to be home with him. They've had all day to run around to activities and hang out with friends - while your wife has been at work and/or disinterested in the play date stuff.

In our ward we ran into the fact that we were one of the few families with school age kids. Everyone else had infants or toddlers or high school and older. Same issue - little in common with most of the ward when it came to my wife and the other women.

I'm not sure what to add beyond saying good luck. Eventually we've had a couple of families move in that she's made friends with. But for a long time it was a lot like being the outcast.

Know anyone not in the ward with a kid she could borrow for the day?

[TripletDaddy]

The reason ladies night out doesn't seem to work is because they tend to have this complex that once the husband is home they want to be home with him.

My wife and her friends do Girls Night Out at least twice a month, if not three times. She has zero problems getting away and taking a break from the kids. I think it is great.

She doesn't like that I refer to it as "GyNO." But I cant think of a better term.

[Color Me Badd Fan]

I am not a lady, but I'm into fashion and I enjoy interior decorating/design, so I'm going to go ahead and chip in my two cents.

Cliques do not end in high school. They do not end in college. Pretty much every ward with young couples has a clique of "cool couples," and most outsiders probably aren't going to break into that clique, even if they try.

My suggestion would be to be friendly to those in the "Mommy Club" but don't get caught up in trying to be a part of it. Surely there are other couples on the outside looking in. Look for them, and make friends with them. In doing so, you'll do both them and yourselves a favor.

My last ward was really bad in this respect. The women in the Mommy Club were all around my age and around 4 years older than my wife. We didn't have a kid yet and my wife was basically ignored. The funny thing was that these women didn't particularly have the most accomplished husbands and some of the women that did weren't shrews like the members of the Mommy Club.

Our new ward isn't the same way. First, they cut our ward in half about a year ago, a few months before we moved in. Second, the homes are all pretty new and some people have moved out due to economic problems and a lot of people have moved in.

[pellegrino]

My wife has made attempts to plan Girls' Nights and other adult only activities, but has had little response. (Apparently they all use same babysitter.)

Why do they need a babysitter for a girls' night out? Can't their husbands stay home and watch the kids?

One thing she might try is to get a weekly game night going. My wife has done this with friends where Wednesday night, after the kids go to bed they all meet at someone's house and play games or just hang out. They started meeting pretty late (usually not until 10:00) and they'd go for as long as they felt like (sometimes until 2:00) so they started calling their group the Late Night Ladies, LNL for short. The group was pretty diverse, most of them were in their 20s or 30s, some had kids and some didn't. It ended up being a great group of friends for my wife and she missed them when we moved. She's talked about starting up another one in our new area.

[JohnnyLingo]

My suggestion would be to be friendly to those in the "Mommy Club" but don't get caught up in trying to be a part of it. Surely there are other couples on the outside looking in. Look for them, and make friends with them. In doing so, you'll do both them and yourselves a favor.

THIS. If a group feels like you don't belong, you're not going to get far trying to bust your way in... if anything, the clique will get more cliquish. Or there will be superficial attempts to include, and no one likes those.

[SloanHater]

Do you live in Cedar City? That describes our previous ward there to a T.

Nope. We live in Michigan. Sorry to hear you've been in the same situation.

[byu71]

I don't understand the dilemma.

Your working wife with no children is surprised that she doesn't have a lot of daily social commonalities with women that are SAHMs raising children? And she is discouraged because these women talk about their activities and their experiences raising children, yet don't seem to take much interest in the goings on in a single person's life?

Is your wife annoyed that she doesn't have a lot in common with the Laurels in your ward, as well? Both groups are one step removed from your wife's current station.

Personally I am not sure anything can be done, short of moving, having your own children, or accepting the fact that single/DINK/SIK are all vastly different social stations in the informal Church social structure.

Point well taken. I don't have a lot in common with the folks in my ward. That's why I don't go anymore. Don't get me wrong. I like them, but aside from our beliefs, we just don't have the same interests.

I drop in. Take the sacrament and go home and watch the Tabernacle choir.

[TripletDaddy]

THIS. If a group feels like you don't belong, you're not going to get far trying to bust your way in... if anything, the clique will get more cliquish. Or there will be superficial attempts to include, and no one likes those.

Thanks for sharing that JohnnyLingo. I always appreciate your comments and look forward to your future participation on CUF!

[ERCougar]

Do you live in Cedar City? That describes our previous ward there to a T.

"Previous ward"?

[Jarid in Cedar]

"Previous ward"?

We lived in Fiddler's canyon for 5 years.