Why mormons disaffect from church

[Northwestcoug]

You mean you chose your disaffection from church over your relationship. All your wife wanted to do was keep playing by the rules that you both decided to live by when you got married.

This is why I admire Jay Santos so much, and JIC and a few others. Honorable.

In a sense, sure. But this type of argument can be used in any type of divorce. What about 2 people who are devoted to the church, yet have a terrible relationship and need to divorce for their own mental health? Did they stop playing by the rules they agreed to when they got married? Would you say the same thing to them, as in they chose their own mental health over their family and children?

In regards to divorce and disaffection in the church, you've argued some persuasive points in the past. Anyone married in the temple who subsequently breaks away from the church should not be surprised that the spouse will harbor some serious doubts about their future together. I'm sure the same thing happens in other faiths, though I doubt many of them carry as much existential pressure as the Mormons. Some consider the eternal burden placed on relatively young adults can potentially be very unhealthy in a relationship, though it's obvious that it can be a source of strength for others. Regardless, for better or worse, it does place a potential wedge between couples who might otherwise have a beautiful relationship together despite differences of belief.

[imanihonjin]

For something that is so importantly offensive to you to make the effort to post about it, you don't seem to actually care enough to explain. So, why even bother engaging at all? Why is my opinion so upsetting to you?

Nice try. I wasn't offended and couldn't care less what you say about the Church and your disaffection towards it. I do find it astonishing that you seem surprised by the push back you are receiving based on how you have approached the subject and by how you are now playing the victim role.

[Goatnapper'96]

One: You know very little about our relationship, and are in no position to judge. So, that's a very presumptuous judgment you are making.

Two: No, she never lived by the rules. Our relationship was not her highest priority, not by a long shot. Our relationship wasn't any more important to her than her relationship with some third-cousin, twice removed. My disaffection came after my decision to divorce. My disaffection served to confirm my decision to divorce.

Three: there was nothing honorable in us remaining in a marriage to which: neither of us were happy in, we tried our best to save by marriage counseling, and we had fundamental disagreement about what our marriage agreement was. I never agreed to be a sackless, Peter Priesthood.

It appears you spent significant time confused about what your marriage relationship was about as well. Warning others not to judge based upon their lack of understanding, which is based upon your understanding of the relationship which you admit was flawed most of the time, seems disingenuous. Afford her the same privilege you afforded yourself!

[Goatnapper'96]

What kind of Spanish name is Jay??? When I was in HS Spanish class, I sat next to someone named "Jay" and he had to change his name to "Jose". His first pick of Spanish names was "Jesus" but Senora Inguanzo nixed that.

I didn't say he was very good at his lies. That is one of the many reasons I don't believe them.

[YOhio]

My working theory as to why longtime* mormons disaffect from church. Three elements are at work:

I agree about there being three elements. Church attendance, sincere prayer and daily scripture study. Stop doing those and boom. Disaffected.

[Goatnapper'96]

In participating in other forums where disaffected mormons are dealing with the possibility of separation/divorce, the disaffected mormons often feel the devoted partner is choosing church over their relationship. The disaffected mormon typically accepts their partner's devotion to church participation, but the devoted partner typically rejects the disaffected partner's choice away from church. Typically the devoted partner puts a lot of pressure on the disaffected spouse to comply with church behavior because the eternal union is at stake. Typically the disaffected partner just wants to emphasize the relationship, but the fundamental difference of opinion on the church becomes an incredible obstacle to both.

I am sure that is what disaffected blogosphere will proclaim because as mormons the love of being persecuted is deeply imbued on your dna and unfortuantely, from my perspective, it appears that the persecution complex is the one attribute of Mormonism y'all can't get away from once when you figure out the religion is a smokescreen. Never forget that whether you like or not you came from those who trudged up Rocky Ridge so pull the string will ya?

[imanihonjin]

If you actually couldn't care less, then you wouldn't have even given it a second thought, let alone make the effort to post a response. or be "astonished", or "surprised". So, it does bother you to some degree.

I think you have a hard time following dialogue. I haven't posted any point of view regarding your actual opinions towards the church or your disaffection from it nor does my being astonished or surprised have anything to do with your disaffection.

[imanihonjin]

I'm following the dialogue fine. I think you have a hard time giving a direct answer to a direct question.

You didn't ask a question....let alone a direct one.

If you actually couldn't care less, then you wouldn't have even given it a second thought, let alone make the effort to post a response. or be "astonished", or "surprised". So, it does bother you to some degree.

[imanihonjin]

Absolutely, I did:

You are hopeless. Enjoy your lack of awareness, followed by astonishment of getting blow bank and then playing the victim. You seem like a real peach.

[Katy Lied]

Some consider the eternal burden placed on relatively young adults can potentially be very unhealthy in a relationship, though it's obvious that it can be a source of strength for others. Regardless, for better or worse, it does place a potential wedge between couples who might otherwise have a beautiful relationship together despite differences of belief.

I'm actually not against differences of belief. If a Mormon marries a Catholic or Baptist or Muslim , no problem. They are both clear on what they are, and what they will be. It would be great if they decided before any babies are born what religion that baby will have.

Im also not against a change in belief, as long as both are moving away from belief at roughly the same rate,

I'm also not against the cessation of a terrible relationship, whether both are believers or non believers or mixed.

[YOhio]

I'm sincerely sorry if I offended anyone. Despite my strong feelings against the church, I wish to be at peace with mormons. I'll keep my negative opinions about the church to myself.

Are you a BYU or Utah fan?

[Northwestcoug]

I'm actually not against differences of belief. If a Mormon marries a Catholic or Baptist or Muslim , no problem. They are both clear on what they are, and what they will be. It would be great if they decided before any babies are born what religion that baby will have.

Im also not against a change in belief, as long as both are moving away from belief at roughly the same rate,

I'm also not against the cessation of a terrible relationship, whether both are believers or non believers or mixed.

That's quite the tall order. Of course relative unity in belief is the ideal. But life happens, and it can certainly change quicker for one spouse than the other. And in my opinion, this imbalance is more common.

Look, any change of religious belief in marriage will take a significant amount of work to find a new equilibrium. It takes honesty, communication, humility, empathy, and willingness to compromise. I sincerely empathize when this happens in a temple marriage. The emotions are raw and tear at the heart of what has usually been taught and hoped for an entire life. No doubt it is too tough for too many. But what I am pushing against is the idea that disbelief of one spouse is OK, only as long as the balance of compromise is more on the belief side. For some, that's OK, and I think some of the active non-believers on this board do a good job of that. But a spouse should also be a best friend. If a non-believer cannot maintain activity in the church due to his/her sense of integrity, and the couple still wants to remain together, the believing spouse shouldn't ask for a charade of a life.

[falafel]

Oh man, really? I'm an alumnus of both. Thus, my previous moniker, Son of Perdition. After my church disaffection I considered whether I was still a BYU fan or not, and I decided I was. That annoys some of my postmo acquaintances. I attend some BYU and Utah games with my kids last season.

Oh yeah, we played xbox a time or two. For some reason I thought you were SoccerMan a/k/a EuropeanSoccerMale.

[BigFatMeanie]

Oh man, really? I'm an alumnus of both. Thus, my previous moniker, Son of Perdition. After my church disaffection I considered whether I was still a BYU fan or not, and I decided I was. That annoys some of my postmo acquaintances. I attend some BYU and Utah games with my kids last season.

Really. This is a BYU board. If you look like a BYU fan on the outside and self-identify as a BYU fan, but you were actually born a Ute fan, then take this shtick over to UtahBy5.com. We don't want your Rachel act here.

[Eddie]

I'm sincerely sorry if I offended anyone. Despite my strong feelings against the church, I wish to be at peace with mormons. I'll keep my negative opinions about the church to myself. The original post was really just trying to share my perspective of why some of us leave, and will never come back.

I don't care if you have strong feelings. I don't care if you express them. But I think when you do - even when you believe you may be doing your best to temper your feelings in your posts - you should at least be prepared for other people to have strong feelings and express them too. And you should at least be willing to be honest with yourself that you are expressing strong feelings and that others are going to react to them.

It wasn't that you expressed strong feelings that got you in trouble. We have all kinds of strong feelings expressed about differing views here. No big deal. It's the fact that you act surprised when people react that is more of an issue.

Stick around or go. No big deal. If you stay, you won't be the only one here who is a non-believer and shares that. If you go, you won't be the only one who is a non-believer and has decided to leave and not return. Really - either choice is up to you.