Share your worst experience in an LDS church

[myboynoah]

This story comes second hand, but given the source, I don't doubt it for a second. I used to race bikes with a guy that was on the fringe of the church and gradually making his way out. While he was still fairly active, he was in an interview with the stake president. I'm thinking that it was a temple recommend interview, but I could be mistaken. Regardless, the subject of wearing the garment as often as possible came up and my friend assured the stake president that he did. The stake president got a little animated and said, "How can you sit there and make that assertion when I can clearly see that you're not even wearing them now."

My friend happened to be in this interview wearing a pair of shorts that went above his knees when sitting. Now, being that he was a cyclist and very proud of his smooth and sculpted legs, I think that he tended to use the tactic of buying garments a size smaller than recommended, so they weren't as long. Well, to prove to the stake president was out of line with his accusation, my friend claims that he stood up and promptly removed his shorts in his defense.

I failed to ask how the remainder of the interview went.

As for a personal tale. I remember playing young men's basketball (someone should really start a "Share Your Worst non-basketball, non-scouting Experience in an LDS Church" thread) and our team made it to regionals. We show up to the given church building several stakes over at the given time and place and notice that there's a fair amount of young women hanging around in the lobby. Now this is some fantastic support. The game starts and about 10 minutes into it, some woman comes storming into the gym, claiming to be the stake YW president and they had the church reserved for some event and that we needed to pack up and leave. There were a few words exchanged between the adults running the basketball and this woman and just as quickly as she stormed on, this woman stormed off.

Shortly after half time, this lady's husband comes rushing in to defend her honor and her activity. Essentially, everyone with testicles had to leave. Our coach at the time was a real hot head and didn't take crap from anyone. I'm pretty sure that he was given the calling as a reactivation tool. I don't remember exactly how we got there, but before we knew it, our coach and this stake president were chest to chest and in each others' face letting loose many a sordid word.

In the end, I'm pretty sure that we finished our game. But our assistant coach was the only one around for the final buzzer.

Did you win?

[Dwight Schr-ute]

Did you win?

I hit a three at the buzzer for the win. Since you asked.
Unfortunately, there wasn't a foyer full of YW to congratulate me any more.

[oxcoug]

There is a single event w/ nothing even close to competition for me.

I was at a wedding reception at a church building near where I grew up. I was probably 11. Myself and some people of my age group were playing hide and seek.

Looking somewhat breathlessly for a place to hide I opened up a door in a hurry and was two steps in when I saw the bride and the groom, obviously shocked to see me - by the time I had looked their way (I had taken a peek down the hall before turning into the room) the Groom's back was to me and he was clearly trying to put something back in his pants. The bride was just looking at me speechlessly and kind of wide-eyed - she was a friend of my oldest sister's. She was probably 24, which seemed super old to me at the time.

I was wise enough in my pre-teen state to know that something shady and maybe kind of awesome was going down but I had the irrational thought that I shouldn't let myself back out because the hide-and-seeker would be out looking for me but I wasn't quite sure if they'd understand why I couldn't walk out. So I just kind of stared back.

Meanwhile she looked back at me like she was sure I'd leave any second and probably thinking I was some perv of an 11-year old for hanging around for some more action and she simply didn't know what to say. In retrospect I assume that this was the first time she'd touched her husband below the belt (highly observant LDS family) and very likely the first time she'd ever touched man parts at all - and here was this little punk who wouldn't leave.

I was half-comprehending but still very concerned about the game of hide and seek which involved a girl who I hoped would one day touch me in the same way (she didn't - also, she kind of got unattractively large by the time we were juniors in high school).

Not totally understanding but knowing that something was seriously FUBAR in the situation - the dude still had his back to me and was certainly swearing under his breath - but not ready to go out in the hall, I had another idea, which was to open the sliding curtain (every Mormon kid knows how to do this) on the room and move over to the next room.

I did this (probably no more than 15-20 seconds passed before I made that decision), still no one said anything and I didn't discuss it with anyone except some teenage non-Mormon buddies years later until I was on my mission.

In retrospect I have thought of what kind of hell that girl must have been in through her reception because I'm sure she thought I was blabbing her big moment to my family.

[Shaka]

Mine involves a roadshow and an overzealous director.

I notice a few other's experiences were the result of roadshows.

[Dwight Schr-ute]

Color me naive, but there's about three more experiences involving catching someone in a sexually compromising position in a church building than I expected to read about when this thread started.

[Portland Ute]

Welcome Lyle. Swing by Ellis Island and give us an intro.

Moose? The moniker sure fits...

[Portland Ute]

Valencia but I can't remember which city. Andres Martinez was his name.

Not the same guy but he was exactly as you described.

[Pheidippides]

Color me naive, but there's about three more experiences involving catching someone in a sexually compromising position in a church building than I expected to read about when this thread started.

Yeah, but ox's made me laugh. Silly kids. Wait 21+ years and then can't wait for more than 10 minutes.

[wuapinmon]

I am starting to think that atheistcougar is a fake. A cleverly designed caricature of the bitter ex-mo stereotype.

Whoever made this character up: bravo.

Sick ewth8r on him, then we'll know.

If you are anything like your board persona she probably couldn't get out soon enough.

I don't really care for atheistcoug very much, but this is beyond the pale. You should apologize.

[Surfah]

I tried thinking about this and I am not sure I'd have anything that I considered worst experience in an LDS church. We almost got in a fist fight once in a regional basketball game growing up. But that wasn't bad, rather fun actually. I had friends that did some drano bombs at the church that landed them in some trouble. But that too was kind of fun. Probably my worst experience was my freshman year of HS. The church was on the corner of a large intersection about 50 yards from our HS. The kids that rode the city bus instead of school transportation (I was one of them), would sit there on the wall in front of the church building to wait. The parking lot was a prime pick up area for parents and friends as well. It was also the designated fight spot. One time while waiting for the bus a fight broke out. A car pulled up and someone yelled gun. Everyone scattered like cockroaches. Fortunately, the bus pulled up just then and everyone tried to push their way on to the bus. We escaped and I don't know what if anything happened after that. No shots were fired though. And I am not even positive that someone had a gun. Anyway, that was scary, but probably doesn't count because it didn't happen in an LDS church, technically.

[Green Monstah]

Dwight,

Sinceyou've got all the reality tv connects, im going to assume your cycling buddy is Tyson Apostol of Survivor fame.

[Brian]

I think I shared this already. Happened about 2.5 years ago.

The chapel has the sacrament table up on the stand, with the bench for the priests also on the stand. I was asked to give the prayer, and from where I was sitting, I had to walk up the stairs to the stand, and in front of the priests who were sitting on the bench in front of the sacrament table.
The two priests that day were two fellows that I kid around with a lot.
As I walked up, the first priest stuck out his foot in my path, I turned to give him a "ha ha" look, and stepped over his foot. While my head was turned, I didn't notice that the second priest had extended his foot, and I tripped over it. I didn't fall, but I took a couple of big foot pounding steps trying to catch myself. The whole congregation let out a loud, collective gasp.
And then I said the prayer.
Both priests just sat there with their heads in their hands trying to hold back the laughs. I don't know how they made it through the sacrament prayer. I was looking at them trying to make eye contact and make them bust up, but they refused to look my way.

[The Ghost of Lyle Alzado]

Moose? The moniker sure fits...

Not Moose, but I should have probably thought of that before picking the moniker. I can't express how much I hate that guy.

[Portland Ute]

Not Moose, but I should have probably thought of that before picking the moniker. I can't express how much I hate that guy.

Sure.

[RobinFinderson]

I fell asleep and had a dream that I was molested in church, and then I woke up, and I was in church. I'd have to say that was my worst experience in an LDS church.