How do I tell my wife I've lost my testimony?

[NorthShoreCoug]

It always boggles my mind how grown adults feel like they need the bishop's permission in how to act.

As I said, it isn't going to see him to repent, or get his permission, etc. More to hopefully get his support, or at least understanding, as to where you at. For example, you might tell him that you no longer are a believer, but your wife is, and you find some benefits to you and your family to participating. So you may make some contributions to tithing, fast offerings, etc., but will not be paying a full-tithe, and will not be coming to tithing settlement. And that you are willing to help clean the building, work in scouts, and a few other sorts of callings, but other callings probably wouldn't work because of your unbelief or unwillingness to make certain time or spiritual commitments.

You might talk to him about whether or not you're still willing to home teach/be home taught, reassure him that you will not "rock the boat" in callings or home teaching, tell him whether you are willing to offer prayers and such. The bishop might want to get additional information - perhaps to help shepherd you back into the fold, but perhaps (for example) just to get a better feel whether HE would be comfortable calling you to serve in the callings you have expressed a willingness to do. He may want to know what you are comfortable he shares some of this information with, for example, your EQ president. He may want to know if you've talked to your wife and kids, and how they are handling things, and what might be the best way the ward can be supportive in that area without stepping on toes.

So it is about setting expectations and finding commonalities that allow you to continue to participate in a way you feel better meets your and your family's needs, not getting permission.

[NorthwestUteFan]

I don't know. That sounds a bit like 'talking to the sales manager ' when you really just want to walk away from the dealership.

[jay santos]

When you're married with kids, none of your actions are done in a vacuum. Everything you do affects others in important ways. I would suggest to anyone in a situation where they're making big changes like this, that they take baby steps and each one being taken only after a lot of discussion with the spouse and maybe some marriage counseling.

p.s. I don't think the bishop has much of a role in any of this, unless he's giving you grief and you need to explain things to him.

[Portland Ute]

I think you may want to have a discussion with your bishop, first, assuming he is a reasonable man. Not as someone going in to "repent", but as equals. Tell him where you stand, how you feel the church does and doesn't contribute to your family and you individually, and how you think you might fit in as you go forward. Tell him if and how you are willing to serve and contribute.

I've known a few people who have taken this approach, and it has seemed to work fairly well for them. And doing so might give you more wiggle room to deal with the three legged stool of yourself, your family, and the church.

I would not recommend this.

[DrumNFeather]

When you're married with kids, none of your actions are done in a vacuum. Everything you do affects others in important ways. I would suggest to anyone in a situation where they're making big changes like this, that they take baby steps and each one being taken only after a lot of discussion with the spouse and maybe some marriage counseling.

p.s. I don't think the bishop has much of a role in any of this, unless he's giving you grief and you need to explain things to him.

I've noticed an unusual level of distain for bishops here...not sure if that comes from the personality of the bishop in various posters home wards, or a general distain for that calling, or church leadership in general. However, it is quite possible that some people just trust their bishop. If it's a matter of him not being qualified to comment on marital issues, I totally get it, but if someone has spiritual issues and trusts their bishop, what is the harm in reaching out?

[Sullyute]

I've noticed an unusual level of distain for bishops here...not sure if that comes from the personality of the bishop in various posters home wards, or a general distain for that calling, or church leadership in general. However, it is quite possible that some people just trust their bishop. If it's a matter of him not being qualified to comment on marital issues, I totally get it, but if someone has spiritual issues and trusts their bishop, what is the harm in reaching out?

I agree with you here, with the emphasis on trust. The bishop is going to realize something is up sooner or later when you stop coming to church. However, I think the conversation should be had between the husband and wife before you decide to go to the bishop.

[Sullyute]

I would not recommend this.

Port, I would love to here more about your reasoning. I know that you posted quite a bit about your meeting with your bishop earlier this year on the temple recommend issue, but I thought that you felt it was actually a really good meeting. Have things turned south since you last posted about it?

[Pheidippides]

My insight. I'm not out nor do I plan to be, but I am not sure I buy a lot of stuff and I'm not happy with a lot that goes on at church.

I used to be quite orthodox. My "fall" if you want to call it that started 10 years ago. I only talked to my wife (not an ubermullah or super orthodox, but definitely a believer) about all my misgivings and doubts and even hatred three years ago, after careful consideration. It was the right call, but it was difficult for a while. Her first question was if I didn't believe in the temple stuff anymore, what did that mean about our marriage? It took some time to reassure her that our marriage was the one thing I did believe in.

Opening up to her was the right call because she is intelligent and open-minded, so I now have somebody to share my issues with instead of hiding them. Earlier this year I discussed my issues with the bishop, a close friend of mine who is trustworthy. I do not recommend this to everybody. In my case it was a good thin because of who my bishop is. But both my bishop and I think it would be disastrous to share with my SP, for example.

It's a judgment call in both cases, and I can't tell you if it's right for you. I do think it's hard to live a lie with a spouse. I go to church for many reasons. I skip priesthood for many more. My wife knows all of this and it works out well for us - and she is effective at telling me when I'm getting to angry again and suggesting that I back off from whatever is making me angry. I appreciate that.

[Green Monstah]

My insight. I'm not out nor do I plan to be, but I am not sure I buy a lot of stuff and I'm not happy with a lot that goes on at church.

I used to be quite orthodox. My "fall" if you want to call it that started 10 years ago. I only talked to my wife (not an ubermullah or super orthodox, but definitely a believer) about all my misgivings and doubts and even hatred three years ago, after careful consideration. It was the right call, but it was difficult for a while. Her first question was if I didn't believe in the temple stuff anymore, what did that mean about our marriage? It took some time to reassure her that our marriage was the one thing I did believe in.

Opening up to her was the right call because she is intelligent and open-minded, so I now have somebody to share my issues with instead of hiding them. Earlier this year I discussed my issues with the bishop, a close friend of mine who is trustworthy. I do not recommend this to everybody. In my case it was a good thin because of who my bishop is. But both my bishop and I think it would be disastrous to share with my SP, for example.

It's a judgment call in both cases, and I can't tell you if it's right for you. I do think it's hard to live a lie with a spouse. I go to church for many reasons. I skip priesthood for many more. My wife knows all of this and it works out well for us - and she is effective at telling me when I'm getting to angry again and suggesting that I back off from whatever is making me angry. I appreciate that.

My wife is not super-orthodox either, but she doesn't really think much about church/gospel other than it's a way of life she loves. She's very devout in some things and very unorthodox in others (e.g., she just took a month off from church/calling because it was stressing her out) If I were to open up completely, I think she'd seriously consider separation/divorce, so I've had to very slowly tell her that I have issues and doubts with certain things. This works for us because I enjoy church a lot of the time (though I skip third hour 90% of the time) and I like my calling--even though it's hard to teach GD when you don't necessarily believe a lot of what is in the manuals, etc.

My point is, my relationship with my wife requires that I don't drop bombs on her. Luckily, this is fine with me, since I'm open to idea that I may one day have more faith in Church and Gospel than I do right now.

[Ma'ake]

Part of the pressure to conform is because of the overwhelming perception that going to church and being righteous makes you a better person, happier, etc. And sin of course works in the other direction, it leads to unhappiness and distance from the Lord, etc. Sigh...

I'd combat this perception obliquely - take a Sunday morning and tell your family your want to serve you fellow man that day and go help out at a soup kitchen, or something. Say you need time to think about your relationship with God and go hiking.

Then you can relay how it was a fulfilling experience, it made you feel close to God, really made you think about life, you felt inspired, etc. Tough to criticize charity.

There will be somewhat of a conflict in perception among those closest to you in the ward, in your family, because you dodged church but spent the time in an entirely honorable, non-selfish way. It's important to establish that there are multiple roads to fulfillment, that no road has a monopoly on truth and virtue.

I think it's important for folks leaving a church that is so overwhelmingly social with all the attendant social pressures to replace it with something that is positive. The stereotype of bitter ex-Mormons is something to be avoided, it feeds right into the alienation from your kids you want to avoid.

Whenever somebody gives me the question about why I grew up Mormon and now I'm not active, I tell them I've had a lot of experiences and I believe in a broader truth, which is not to be critical of any church, but that universal truth is bigger than any church.

I think most LDS are sort of programmed to think that some fundamental sin or a social offense is at the root of the disengagement. When people find you've moved in a positive direction and are not antagonistic about the church, per se, they really don't have much of an angle to pursue.

[judyhotbooty]

As a new member to the forum I was hesitant to post in this column. But because of some personal experiences with this topic I wanted to share my insight.
A little over 4 years ago I told my wife about my not buying into the "one and only" church lingo. She, like any person that was raised in the LDS faith had concerns not so much about me personally but about the family. After a lot of talks with her we came to the decision that I am still going to support her and the kids and attend church SOME of the time. Even though I don't believe in a lot of the so called truths the church teaches, I love the family aspect of it.

So my recommendation to you would be to support your wife and help her with the transition. If she is like my wife she is concerned about how it will affect her "position" and social schedule in the church. We all know Mormons love to gossip about what is going on, and who isn't coming etc. So I supported her in not rocking her world anymore than I had.

I have a friend that has gone the other way and persecuted the church, trying to prove that it was false etc. Nothing good comes out of it, in my opinion. I always tell people that although the church and its teachings are not for me, I will never try and change anyones mind about how they feel.

Support your wife and kids and the rest will fall in line. At least it did for me and we are actually much more happy today.

[Spicy McHaggis]

I'm in the same place you are. I haven't believed in 5 or 6 years. I still haven't discussed it with my wife but she's a smart gal so I'm sure she's figured it out. I attend but before I was put in primary I went home after the first hour.
I think there is so much cognitive dissonance going on in most mormons that if you explain it to her logically and kindly she will probably acknowledge she has problems taking most of it literally as well.