Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[TripletDaddy]

Well, you are right, that is the irony of that position. Still, I just don't know what good it does. This is not black and white for me, the other side of the argument has a lot of merit here. There is force to the argument that she should get to choose. I still don't think I would tell, but since that is not something I have done, would do or (lets be real) am going to get the opportunity to do, it is hard for me to judge.

UD, Agreed 100%. a horrible situation all around.

I think the most honest approach is thus: "I cheated on my wife, didn't want to get busted, hoped that it would all go away. Now, all these years later, I don't see what good it would do to tell my wife, but what I mean by this mostly is that I am further entrenched in my lie and why bring it up now? I got away with it and what my wife doesn't know won't hurt her. Also, I don't have to go through the embarrassment of telling my kids, who are now older and will understand that I was a loser. My current friends in the ward won't have to find out that I was loser. And my family and in-laws won't have to find out that I am a loser. Really, I am protecting everyone by keeping this secret! It is all about protecting everyone else!"

Rocky is right. Guys that claim to be refraining from admitting the truth to their wife out of "concern" for their wife......oh, brother.

[UtahDan]

I'm a little befuddled by the whole..."I'm protecting my wife by not telling her (cough, cough, bullshit), and if I still don't say anything then I'm still (cough, cough, bullshit) protecting her.

The truth is you're still just covering your own ass.

I think clearly that is a big component of it. I'm not trying to say otherwise.

[UtahDan]

While I agree with your general point, it is hard to take a guy seriously when he says he would jump in front of a train to protect his wife, except for the case in which he destroys her by having sex with another woman.

"Hey, baby, I love you. I just can't stop beating you up!"

Well, you are right, that is the irony of that position. Still, I just don't know what good it does. This is not black and white for me, the other side of the argument has a lot of merit here. There is force to the argument that she should get to choose. I still don't think I would tell, but since that is not something I have done, would do or (lets be real) am going to get the opportunity to do, it is hard for me to judge.

[RockyBalboa]

I'm a little befuddled by the whole..."I'm protecting my wife by not telling her (cough, cough, bullshit), and if I still don't say anything then I'm still (cough, cough, bullshit) protecting her.

The truth is you're still just covering your own ass.

[TripletDaddy]

I have two comments about this. The first is that if I had done this and it was not coming out otherwise, I would keep my mouth shut. I would not unburden my conscience at the expense of destroying my wife's world. I just wouldn't and if that means I get eaten inside for the rest of my life, so be it. I would jump in front of a train to protect her so sucking up a little (or a lot) of personal angst would be something I would accept.

Second, I'm not so sure that another bishop or stake president (maybe even this guy's current one) would have the same take on that issue. I know for a fact that this is not universally required that a confession be made to a spouse. I think it depends a lot of the circumstances, but here I am with Cardiac that doing it now would be selfish.

I don't think that you or I are in a position to predict what the fall out would be.

While I agree with your general point, it is hard to take a guy seriously when he says he would jump in front of a train to protect his wife, except for the case in which he destroys her by having sex with another woman.

"Hey, baby, I love you. I just can't stop beating you up!"

[UtahDan]

Procrastination is the thief of eternal life. My guess that if this is eating at this guy now, after 10 years, how bad will it be in another 10. I think that they both would be better off, in the end, if he reveals to her what has happened. I have witnesssed what an affair does to a family. It is not good. But there is an opportunity to grow from that experience, together. It is a case by case scenario.

I have two comments about this. The first is that if I had done this and it was not coming out otherwise, I would keep my mouth shut. I would not unburden my conscience at the expense of destroying my wife's world. I just wouldn't and if that means I get eaten inside for the rest of my life, so be it. I would jump in front of a train to protect her so sucking up a little (or a lot) of personal angst would be something I would accept.

Second, I'm not so sure that another bishop or stake president (maybe even this guy's current one) would have the same take on that issue. I know for a fact that this is not universally required that a confession be made to a spouse. I think it depends a lot of the circumstances, but here I am with Cardiac that doing it now would be selfish.

I don't think that you or I are in a position to predict what the fall out would be.

[TripletDaddy]

This is a tough predicament. Much of the advice here centers around the notion that with the passage of time, just forgot about stuff and move on.

However, this doesn't change the fact that the guy was a huge liar and cheated on his spouse....one of the worst possible things you can do in a marriage.

This isn't like drinking from the milk carton or peeing on the toilet seat.

This is a major breach of trust.

Sometimes the catharsis comes in being honest and having integrity, regardless of whether it makes anyone feel better. In fact, in the case of an extra-marital affair, there is no time frame within which either party will be made to feel better for having revealed the indiscretion.

I have no idea what this guy should do. I do know that I am really happy to not be in that awful situation.

Sooner or later the wife will find out. And she will be crushed. Nobody finds out about an extramarital affair and says, "oh, well...that is ancient history."

It is clear that this guy purposely avoided telling his wife all those years ago because he knew he would be screwed. So his motives were selfish. Sounds like his motives remain selfish.

[SoCalCoug]

On the other hand (as opposed to procrastination), I can remember my father telling me that time is often a significant element of repentance - I took it to mean that the passage of time without repeat of the same sin. In other words, the significance of a sin (and associated church punishment) may be reduced the farther back in time it occurred.

In other words, if the guy goes to his bishop and confesses the adultery now, he likely would not face the same consequences.

[wuapinmon]

Well his bishop is his judge in Israel, and the Church handbook of instruction spells out rather clearly how things work when it comes to a confession that puts your membership in jeopardy. He may find that his old bishop or high council disfellowshipped him. I know that different bishops react differently to sins, but this is the big, second-only-to-murder, deal that we all think it is.

The covenant of marriage demands fidelity, even in an extra-religious sense.

He violated the covenant, the wife has a right to know. Is that right at this point an odious horrible burden to shoulder? Hell yes! But, does her right to know overwhelm his need to tell her, her comfort, her ability to enter the Gospel and accept it. If he gets sealed to her in the temple without telling her, that's as much a betrayal as anything because he would be lying, and the ceremony reminds us, in plain language, that God will not be mocked. He would be mocking her and mocking God by entering into the greatest of all covenants unworthily.

He has to tell her. No matter how much it sucks for both of them, if she continues in the Gospel, he has to tell her.

Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves, but this one violated a covenant he made her, even if it was before the law, it was still a promise he broke.

This is just dreadful; I think by not telling her he is continuing his infidelity because he fears worldly consequences more than spiritual consequences.

If my wife had had an affair, I would be crushed, but I would forgive her. I love her no matter what or who she does. If she didn't tell me about the affair, I would be crushed. I would want to know.

If I were him, I'd go talk to my current bishop. Even though he's just someone who lives in his ward, he holds the keys.

[FN Phat]

Procrastination is the thief of eternal life. My guess that if this is eating at this guy now, after 10 years, how bad will it be in another 10. I think that they both would be better off, in the end, if he reveals to her what has happened. I have witnesssed what an affair does to a family. It is not good. But there is an opportunity to grow from that experience, together. It is a case by case scenario.

[Surfah]

It is my personal opinion that we will all be faced with situations that make us question our convictions to the breaking point. Abraham passed that test, but most of us will fail it.

I believe this as well.

[cowboy]

You have to have a very strong conviction that the afterlife is exactly the way that orthodox, literally-minded Mormons imagine it to justify hurting your wife and kids like that.

It is my personal opinion that we will all be faced with situations that make us question our convictions to the breaking point. Abraham passed that test, but most of us will fail it.

We are honest, chaste, benevolent (pick a virtue) to the point that it begins to matter, and then most of us break. Most of us try to tell the truth all of the time, for example, but we'd all lie in a heartbeat to protect our home and family.

Some of our trials are self-imposed, and others are a test of our mettle. I hope to pass as many of these as possible, and still hold to my convictions, but sometimes I wonder....

[Surfah]

It seems illogically superstitious to think that in order to reap a benefit in the next life, God requires that he dredge up all this old stuff that will hurt his marriage and hurt his children right now. You have to have a very strong conviction that the afterlife is exactly the way Mormons imagine it to justify hurting your wife and kids like that.

I agree, the difference though is one of those judges in Israel told him to tell his wife initially and he didn't.

Which is an interesting topic in itself. My dad and me have had these conversations before discussing how some guys will heed the counsel of their leaders, go through the repentance process, face disciplinary action while others like Cowboy's friend can withdraw from the church and after a period of time return without incident and all is forgiven. Maybe forgiven is the wrong word, forgotten.

[RC Vikings]

What good does telling a wife about an affair that happened ten years ago do? It won't make her feel any better.

[CardiacCoug]

I think confession is an important part of the repentance process, but I also think that people make too much of it at times. Ultimately, God is the only one we need to confess all of our sins to - confession to others depends on the circumstance.

My guess is that he is thinking that he will wait until they are old and then unload on her - procrastination is always the easiest option.

BTW, I know about this because he confided in his brother with whom I am friends. We spoke about it more in a "this really sucks" way than a "guess what Johnny did now" way - though we did travel down the gossip trail a little when we talked about how the affairee was the smokin' hot married daughter of another ward's bishop...

I think "unload on her" is an appropriate choice of terminology. Especially if it's many years after the fact, I really don't think it's a very nice thing to burden his wife with it just because he wants to "get it of his chest."

It seems illogically superstitious to think that in order to reap a benefit in the next life, God requires that he dredge up all this old stuff that will hurt his marriage and hurt his children right now. You have to have a very strong conviction that the afterlife is exactly the way that orthodox, literally-minded Mormons imagine it to justify hurting your wife and kids like that.