Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[SeattleUte]

I am confused. if a husband cheats and he is married to such a shrew as you describe (possibly the reason for the initial cheating), why in the world would you be advocating that he cover up his affair? To preserve a loveless marriage? It would seem that you would advocate that he tell the truth, reveal the underlying reasons for the indiscretion, and then begin the process of moving forward, be it together or apart.

Nobody said that any of these answers are easy, btw.

I said previously that the most compelling case for telling is when the the cheating spouse says I'm leaving and she asks why. I've also said that usually an affair means the marriage is doomed anyway and its death should not be delayed. Even then, though, why give her more material for poisoning the kids?

[creekster]

You know, this is such an intensely personal decision, on so many levels, fraught with implications for both spouses and children in this life and for eternity, if so disposed, that I fail to see how any of us can deign to prescribe the course of action that 'should' be followed.

The older I get the more I realize life just isn't that simple. I don't know what he should do, nor do I know what I would necessarily do. This is why we try to learn correct principles and think them through ahead of time. For this purpose, this discussion has been a good one. For purposes of figuring out what this particular guy shoud do, however, it is impossioble to know without being him. We only get one chance and we all have to stay in the same skin throughout; be wise, be prudent, try not to hurt others, follow what you believe, and do what you think is right.

[TripletDaddy]

It's not shocking. But in my opinion it says more about the character of the cuckold than the cheater. A high percentage of people love themselves more than their children.

This is why there are no easy answers and why--though, as I've noted, infidelity is usually the plunging of a dagger in the heart of a marriage (even as the cheater tells himself that is not what's intended)--there are often no easy villians or heros. If you are advocating that if you find yourself in an affair maybe it's time to move out I agree totally.

I am confused. if a husband cheats and he is married to such a shrew as you describe (possibly the reason for the initial cheating), why in the world would you be advocating that he cover up his affair? To preserve a loveless marriage? It would seem that you would advocate that he tell the truth, reveal the underlying reasons for the indiscretion, and then begin the process of moving forward, be it together or apart.

Nobody said that any of these answers are easy, btw.

[RobinFinderson]

nobody is arguing this. she casts it in a false light by making it seem that lots of experts do not. she expounds by using the "world over" hyperbole. pretty transparent tactic when the argument starts breaking down...the old, "everyone who is smart thinks this way."

Are there no experts that advocate telling the wife? and if so, why are they not mentioned?

Real 'experts' are not moral guides. They will ask the individual what s/he hopes to achieve, and then give 'expert' advice on how to achieve that goal. The same 'expert,' if s/he was acting professionally, might give very different guidance to two different cheaters, depending on what the client hoped to achieve.

[Jeff Lebowski]

nobody is arguing this. she casts it in a false light by making it seem that lots of experts do not. she expounds by using the "world over" hyperbole. pretty transparent tactic when the argument starts breaking down...the old, "everyone who is smart thinks this way."

Are there no experts that advocate telling the wife? and if so, why are they not mentioned?

I am sure there are. In my **limited** experience, I would say that most experts would advocate not confessing old affairs.

Of course, Babs and I could be wrong with our perception of the expert opinions. And of course, the experts could be wrong. But there you go.

[tooblue]

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

I also think that lots of experts would say that confession is the best path in cases like this.

The simple fact is the man has lived a lie for 10 years. His actions are not omission but commission. The desire to go back to church has forced him to come face to face with the reality of his infidelity. He will need to speak to his Bishop and I have faith that only good would come from it.

[TripletDaddy]

I'm asking exactly the stated question: are you saying the only path to restoring the lost integrity requires the wife finding out? I didn't ask if you thought it was the end destination on the path.

no. but it is part of the path. again, i dont get where you are going with it, but there is my answer.

[TripletDaddy]

I didn't bring it up because I think the omission captures the "honest" approach. I brought it up because you characterizing the opposite position as advocating "lying." Consulting the dictionary, lying is a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. You're exaggerating any dissenting opinion to build yours up, and that's what I'm taking issue with.

well, this is a hypo. can you prove that the wife did not ask the husband? it is not some unreasonable stretch to claim that dishonesty and deceit are involved. you said yourself, you are splitting hairs.

My point is that there is deception taking place.

What is your main point here? defintions of the word, lie? Seems very Clintonian.

[TripletDaddy]

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

nobody is arguing this. she casts it in a false light by making it seem that lots of experts do not. she expounds by using the "world over" hyperbole. pretty transparent tactic when the argument starts breaking down...the old, "everyone who is smart thinks this way."

Are there no experts that advocate telling the wife? and if so, why are they not mentioned?

[beelzebabette]

I do not understand what you are asking here.

I don't even think that telling the truth "restores" the integrity. The 10 years of faithfulness is equally as important to helping restore things. There are many moving pieces to the issue. You can't restore integrity by admitting your affair, anymore than you can regain trust by confessing the affair to your wife. It takes time to rebuild.

I'm asking exactly the stated question: are you saying the only path to restoring the lost integrity requires the wife finding out? I didn't ask if you thought it was the end destination on the path.

[RobinFinderson]

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

It is a values judgment. If you value honesty and integrity above convenience, there is no choice. The cheater must confess. If you value comfort and happiness above honesty and integrity, dishonesty might be the better choice.

I'm with DDD. I value honesty over convenience and comfort.

[SeattleUte]

or a good reason to not be married to that person any longer. in which case, tell them the truth and move on.

I am not sure why the kids need to know. I am just observing that the kids always find out. Do you dispute this? In the cases of infidelity, the kids often find out? What is so shocking about that statement?

It's not shocking. But in my opinion it says more about the character of the cuckold than the cheater. A high percentage of people love themselves more than their children.

This is why there are no easy answers and why--though, as I've noted, infidelity is usually the plunging of a dagger in the heart of a marriage (even as the cheater tells himself that is not what's intended)--there are often no easy villians or heros. If you are advocating that if you find yourself in an affair maybe it's time to move out I agree totally.

[Jeff Lebowski]

I'd like to see your research.

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

[beelzebabette]

Have an affair. As long as the wife doesn't ask about it, you aren't really lying. Solid. The old omission/commission approach.

I didn't bring it up because I think the omission captures the "honest" approach. I brought it up because you characterizing the opposite position as advocating "lying." Consulting the dictionary, lying is a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. You're exaggerating any dissenting opinion to build yours up, and that's what I'm taking issue with.

[TripletDaddy]

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

getting personal, I see.

As I stated, the "cover up the lie with another lie" stance withstands little scrutiny, which explains why you resort to this junk.