Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[TripletDaddy]

I just had this discussion with Gidget and she said she'd want to know just as I predicted.

My wife and I chatted about it last night. She also said she would want to know.

She then followed up with "why are you asking me this?"

I got pissed and peeled out of the driveway and didn't return until about 1AM.

[beelzebabette]

She's not married, right?

Before anyone jumps on me for not listening to single folk, I'm only pointing this out because I certainly held some idealistic views of marriage when I was single. Of course, you have married people on here who agree with her, so that's not necessarily being idealistic. I guess it's interesting that every married woman on here would rather not know (unless I'm misinterpreting or missing something...).

This is a dumb argument to get into. 1) It's not my place to share her past here, 2) she's still entitled to an opinion, and 3) I disagree with her so does that make me less idealistic? It's a simple opinion that I thought was adequately disclosed as coming from someone of single status when I related she was my roommate.

[Surfah]

And then the question is how would she react? Does she want to know so she can divorce you, or would she be willing to work things out?

I hate speaking for her but she said that of course she'd be devastated. But that she said she should know. She also threw in the same caveat that I did when I predicted she'd want to know, and that is her capacity to forgive. So yes, it'd be so we could work it out. Gidget is not a quitter.

We've all been through our own "ish" but Gidget has had more than her fair share and how she's been able to forgive some of these people and their grievous offenses is beyond my comprehension. In fact, there are times when I get upset with her because she's not bitter or holding grudges. She's a rare bird like that and that is why I married her.

[Surfah]

Gidget hasn't been married ten years.

I'll get back to you in 8 more, but her answer won't change.

[cowboy]

I just had this discussion with Gidget and she said she'd want to know just as I predicted.

And then the question is how would she react? Does she want to know so she can divorce you, or would she be willing to work things out?

[Babs]

She's not married, right?

Before anyone jumps on me for not listening to single folk, I'm only pointing this out because I certainly held some idealistic views of marriage when I was single. Of course, you have married people on here who agree with her, so that's not necessarily being idealistic. I guess it's interesting that every married woman on here would rather not know (unless I'm misinterpreting or missing something...).

I was going to say the same thing.

I just had this discussion with Gidget and she said she'd want to know just as I predicted.

Gidget hasn't been married ten years.

[UtahDan]

In respect to extramarital affairs, I just don't know how anyone can keep it a secret forever. People have to know or at least suspect. You'd think it'd be just a matter of time before it got back to your spouse. I guess that is another reason for honesty with me. I'd much rather find out from a contrite spouse than through the grapevine.

I would rather know too, but that is very specific to me. Believe it not, these things stay secret. I am aware of a man who was a leader in his community and the church who copped to a series of affairs going back 30 plus years. No one suspected him. I don't think there is any one size fits all for this in either direction.

[Surfah]

She's not married, right?

Before anyone jumps on me for not listening to single folk, I'm only pointing this out because I certainly held some idealistic views of marriage when I was single. Of course, you have married people on here who agree with her, so that's not necessarily being idealistic. I guess it's interesting that every married woman on here would rather not know (unless I'm misinterpreting or missing something...).

I just had this discussion with Gidget and she said she'd want to know just as I predicted.

[ERCougar]

I related the discussion to my roommate last night. She said she'd absolutely want to know and became more entrenched as I related more women joining in on the viewpoint. I was focused on laughing at her exercise video, but I remember her saying something about it not being a good decision to carry forward as a couple with incomplete information.

She's not married, right?

Before anyone jumps on me for not listening to single folk, I'm only pointing this out because I certainly held some idealistic views of marriage when I was single. Of course, you have married people on here who agree with her, so that's not necessarily being idealistic. I guess it's interesting that every married woman on here would rather not know (unless I'm misinterpreting or missing something...).

[beelzebabette]

I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems like this is the position of all the females who have contributed. Interesting.

I related the discussion to my roommate last night. She said she'd absolutely want to know and became more entrenched as I related more women joining in on the viewpoint. I was focused on laughing at her exercise video, but I remember her saying something about it not being a good decision to carry forward as a couple with incomplete information.

[RobinFinderson]

This thread is like a firework that goes off, then stops, and all of the kids run up to it to see who can be the first to kick it over when *BOOM* it starts to light up again, then stops, the kids approach and *BOOM*!

[ERCougar]

My wife said essentially the same thing.

The pragmatic thing to do is not to tell the wife. The impractical thing (with purely abstract/intangible/religious benefits) is to tell the wife.

I'm a pragmatist. The correct decision for each individual probably depends on what kind of person he is.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems like this is the position of all the females who have contributed. Interesting.

[CardiacCoug]

My wife said the same thing as well. If enough time has passed so that one could reasonably conclude she's not at risk for an STD, and that there's little chance of recidivism on my part, should would regard disclosure as purely self-serving on my part and would forever alter our relationship and not for the better.

My wife said essentially the same thing.

The pragmatic thing to do is not to tell the wife. The impractical thing (with purely abstract/intangible/religious benefits) is to tell the wife.

I'm a pragmatist. The correct decision for each individual probably depends on what kind of person he is.

[cowboy]

There's a sense of irony in that statement as you know that nothing in small towns stays secret for long. I'm just busting your balls here.

Bust away. I knew I was leaving myself open on that one, which is why I qualified it.

[cougarobgon]

Maybe not. But already he has confided in his brother, who has confided in you with whom you have shared this with your wife. And who knows who the gal in this matter has told. Interestingly, IIRC you mentioned that the girl he cheated with was a Bishop's daughter, correct? I wonder if she too has never confessed.

I can pretty much gaurantee you that the number individuals of who know about the situation is larger than people think. Everyone has someone to confide in and it is in the nature of people to talk. Friends have shared things with me about other friends that were told to them in confidence. Who knows, it may have already gotten back to the wife and she has chosen to remain in the relationship.

If his long term objective is to return to full fellowship I don't think he has any other choice than to have a talk with his new bishop. I have not read all the posts, so I apologize if this has already been discussed, was a disciplinary council held after his original confession and if so, is he currently disfellowshipped or excommunicated? If disciplinary action was taken, he has no choice but to talk to the bishop to return to full fellowship. There will be a record of the proceedings including the terms of his reinstatement.

Tough predicament to be in, but, confession is the only way to set things right.