The Official "SU Rant" Contest

[TripletDaddy]

Ah, the "no one could have written such a magnificent book" argument. WEAK SAUCE. This is the last refuge and a sure litmus test to tell a Mormon who has never read much of anything worthwhile.

Or the sure litmus test of an inspired volume of scripture!

[PaloAltoCougar]

Ah, the "no one could have written such a magnificent book" argument. WEAK SAUCE. This is the last refuge and a sure litmus test to tell a Mormon who has never read much of anything worthwhile.

No fair. You can't enter the contest. We prohibited grapevine from entering his contest, too.

[Babs]

Jealousy rears its ugly head.

Actually, it's rather quite fetching, if I do say so myself.

[Fiyero]

First entry:

(Context: Solon creates a thread about great meals in literature. Wuapinom, Babs, Utah Dan and Fiyero profoundly add to the discussion; SU interjects with a slam on funeral potatoes that is littered with out-of-place anti-mormon jabs about animal sacrifices and blood atonement; and YOhio makes light of SU's claim that he spends more on meals on an average weekend than a typical mormon family of 9 spends in a year. The following is SU's response):

No shithead, your ignorance on the subject speaks volumes. Bovine digestment in its most Pious form was perfected by Herculaneum. Unquestionably Sappho, Hesiod and Archilochus would feast on a curator of fine meats, accompanied by aged wines from the Naples region. When topped with smoked gouda and scallions from an Oxyrhynchus conquest at sea, an symphony of culinary orgasms ring within the papillae and epiglottis.

[YOhio]

First entry:

(Context: Solon creates a thread about great meals in literature. Wuapinom, Babs, Utah Dan and Fiyero profoundly add to the discussion; SU interjects with a slam on funeral potatoes that is littered with out-of-place anti-mormon jabs about animal sacrifices and blood atonement; and YOhio makes light of SU's claim that he spends more on meals on an average weekend than a typical mormon family of 9 spends in a year. The following is SU's response):

No shithead, your ignorance on the subject speaks volumes. Bovine digestment in its most Pious form was perfected by Herculaneum. Unquestionably Sappho, Hesiod and Archilochus would feast on a curator of fine meats, accompanied by aged wines from the Naples region. When topped with smoked gouda and scallions from an Oxyrhynchus conquest at sea, an symphony of culinary orgasms ring within the papillae and epiglottis.

FAIL! SU would never call me shithead, only smartass. We're amigos.

[Colly Wolly]

First entry:

(Context: Solon creates a thread about great meals in literature. Wuapinom, Babs, Utah Dan and Fiyero profoundly add to the discussion; SU interjects with a slam on funeral potatoes that is littered with out-of-place anti-mormon jabs about animal sacrifices and blood atonement; and YOhio makes light of SU's claim that he spends more on meals on an average weekend than a typical mormon family of 9 spends in a year. The following is SU's response):

No shithead, your ignorance on the subject speaks volumes. Bovine digestment in its most Pious form was perfected by Herculaneum. Unquestionably Sappho, Hesiod and Archilochus would feast on a curator of fine meats, accompanied by aged wines from the Naples region. When topped with smoked gouda and scallions from an Oxyrhynchus conquest at sea, an symphony of culinary orgasms ring within the papillae and epiglottis.

If that's legit, that's the best thread post in the history of the internet.

[TripletDaddy]

FAIL! SU would never call me shithead, only smartass. We're amigos.

This kind of aggressive criticism will only serve to have a chilling effect on future entries. Why are you trying to skew the results? Stop Black Panthering us with your phony tough guy attitude and just let everyone submit their own entries in peace.

[YOhio]

This kind of aggressive criticism will only serve to have a chilling effect on future entries. Why are you trying to skew the results? Stop Black Panthering us with your phony tough guy attitude and just let everyone submit their own entries in peace.

It was reminiscent of the aggressive push polling organized by LDS bishops and their minions during the anti-gay Prop 8 campaign. Not unlike the pressure applied during elections in the deep south in the early twentieth century. But that's what we've come to expect from a religion so steeped in their dogma of pre-enlightenment traditionalism. Makes my blood boil.

[byu71]

Dipshit, dumbass, old, senile, mullah he tried them all on me. Either through luck or trial and error, he stumbled on the adjective for me that cuts deep. My opinions are born out of ignorance. I have no answer. Speaks volumes.

[All-American]

I think you meant regress in item 1. I corrected it for you.

No, I'm specifically giving something that will offend and upset the SU of potential respondents. That way, the post is a reaction to the prompt rather than a response. It makes for a more authentic feel.

[All-American]

For the record, each voter may put forth his own criteria for a good SU post, but mine are as follows.

A good SU rant will:

1. Demonstrate a familiarity with it subjects that is both extensive and uncomprehensive;
2. Contains familiar SU catch-phrases; and
3. Exhibit an authentic relationship between SU and both the subject matter and the readers.

[Fiyero]

Just give me the Washington. This contest was over before it began.

[Babs]

I am flattered to see that at least the youngest among us has appreciation for the finer aspects of this board. No doubt he has not forgotten who helped him see the error of his ways and saved him from a lifetime of regret had he inexplicably passed on Chicago in favor of NYU. I'm certainly not one to draw attention to my selfless acts of altruism, but I can't help but think that my generous assistance to young AA has endeared him to myself.

While I normally wouldn't enter a contest in my own honor, the monetary award compels me to participate. No doubt should any of the lemmings win, they will dutifully and blindly remit their tithe to the church, and I shudder to think that even a single dime should be contributed to that archaic and mindless institution in my honor.

As to the question of atheism and agnosticism: AA being the disciple of my posts that he is, he surely recognizes the futility of the question as stated. But I do appreciate him constructing an opportunity for me to reiterate that the distinction between atheists and agnostics is an imagined one. Agnostics are atheists by the very definition. Throughout antiquity and through the ensuing centuries, atheism has always represented the simple absence of belief. Men like Democrates, Epicurus, and Lucretius would not have suggested that god did not exist, only acknowledged that there was no evidence of his presence, yet were considered atheist rather than agnostic.

The truth is that agnosticism is a modern invention constructed and embraced by those atheists who celebrate the rigorous empiricism whose inevitable result is the rejection of faith, but who fear societal retribution and frankly lack the balls to honestly acknowledge and embrace their a-theistic worldview as such.

In closing I should point out that it is wholly unsurprising that a board full of LDS believers and Utah residents should look to an urban apostate to contribute anything intelligent or interesting enough to inspire a competition. Speaks volumes.

[Jarid in Cedar]

Like him, love him, or hate him, our own SU is an institution of sorts. It is in recognition of his singular personality and contribution to this board that I announce the official "SU Rant" contest.

I am offering a cash prize of $1.00 to the poster who submits the post in this thread that would most pass for an authentic SeattleUte rant. You may write on any topic you wish, but here are some suggested prompts:

1. Describe in detail how you feel the Mormon Church has contributed to the ideological progress of the modern world
2. Select a philosopher or group of thinkers, ancient or modern, that best represent your views. Show how their perspective supports your own.
3. Compare and contrast agnosticism with atheism, and evaluate the merits of gnostic atheism.


You have until next Friday, July 3rd, to submit your entry. We will begin voting once we've had enough time to read and digest the entries. The winner may then claim his cash prize.

Are you looking for something that could be confused with an "Original" SU work or something that is more of a caricature?

[SeattleUte]

I am flattered to see that at least the youngest among us has appreciation for the finer aspects of this board. No doubt he has not forgotten who helped him see the error of his ways and saved him from a lifetime of regret had he inexplicably passed on Chicago in favor of NYU. I'm certainly not one to draw attention to my selfless acts of altruism, but I can't help but think that my generous assistance to young AA has endeared him to myself.

While I normally wouldn't enter a contest in my own honor, the monetary award compels me to participate. No doubt should any of the lemmings win, they will dutifully and blindly remit their tithe to the church, and I shudder to think that even a single dime should be contributed to that archaic and mindless institution in my honor.

As to the question of atheism and agnosticism: AA being the disciple of my posts that he is, he surely recognizes the futility of the question as stated. But I do appreciate him constructing an opportunity for me to reiterate that the distinction between atheists and agnostics is an imagined one. Agnostics are atheists by the very definition. Throughout antiquity and through the ensuing centuries, atheism has always represented the simple absence of belief. Men like Democrates, Epicurus, and Lucretius would not have suggested that god did not exist, only acknowledged that there was no evidence of his presence, yet were considered atheist rather than agnostic.

The truth is that agnosticism is a modern invention constructed and embraced by those atheists who celebrate the rigorous empiricism whose inevitable result is the rejection of faith, but who fear societal retribution and frankly lack the balls to honestly acknowledge and embrace their a-theistic worldview as such.

In closing I should point out that it is wholly unsurprising that a board full of LDS believers and Utah residents should look to an urban apostate to contribute anything intelligent or interesting enough to inspire a competition. Speaks volumes.

Heh, Babs agrees with me re atheism vs. agnosticism. Game over.