My list (not limited to athletes per se):
1. The Steinbrenners. There is so much to like about New York, but you have somehow identified every bad quality the city has and embodied into a soulless phantasm of a baseball team.
1a. Derek Jeter. Captain of said team. Also overrated, and dates people who are way above his league in looks.
1b. Alex Rodriguez. Not only is he a complete pussy, he is now dating somebody who is little more than a walking set of genitals.
1c. Jerry Jones. See 1 above, except not as bad. Extra points for all those years that the 49ers lost in the NFC championship game.
2. The unknown BYU football player who knocked up by next door neighbors daughter and never got punished back in the mid 90s. Nice going, dude. A whole segment of people hate the entire university now.
2a. The Honor Code office. See above, and also the time they thought my sister's vanillaroma incense was marijuana.
3. Emmitt Smith/Steven A. Smith/Colin Cowherd, etc. Biological note: shit is supposed to come from the other major orifice. You might want to get that checked out.
4. Barry Bonds. For warping the morals and expectations of an entire city with the gravitational forces emanating from your planetoid cranium.
5. Karl Malone. For speaking. Ever. Also, for nearly running me off the road in your (admittedly nifty) truck.
6. Larry H. Miller. For failing to give 25 letters of the alphabet their proper respect.
7. Charlie Weis. For the front bum. And hoping that a big deal about calling one play for a sick boy will make us forget that you have Summer's Eve tattooed to your forehead.
7a. Notre Dame. Just because.
8. Vlade Divac/Manu Ginobili. The old, aging football player in me, who never took a play off or used an unfair advantage, as well as the current pick-up ball player in me, who rarely calls fouls of any sort, would like to meet both of you in a dark alley with a length of steel pipe. We'll teach you toughness old-school.
9. Stephen Marbury. Because you are naught more than carbon-based pollution.
10. The stupid guy with the pornstache that comes to pick-up ball. Learn the different between a hard foul and battery. And not to whine when you get nudged. And the meaning of "call your own". And a good explanation as to why your back is so bad you make your home teachers do your yard work, but yet not bad enough to keep you from playing ball every Tuesday. Seriously, you have almost died at multiple people's hands many times now.
1. The Steinbrenners. There is so much to like about New York, but you have somehow identified every bad quality the city has and embodied into a soulless phantasm of a baseball team.
1a. Derek Jeter. Captain of said team. Also overrated, and dates people who are way above his league in looks.
1b. Alex Rodriguez. Not only is he a complete pussy, he is now dating somebody who is little more than a walking set of genitals.
1c. Jerry Jones. See 1 above, except not as bad. Extra points for all those years that the 49ers lost in the NFC championship game.
2. The unknown BYU football player who knocked up by next door neighbors daughter and never got punished back in the mid 90s. Nice going, dude. A whole segment of people hate the entire university now.
2a. The Honor Code office. See above, and also the time they thought my sister's vanillaroma incense was marijuana.
3. Emmitt Smith/Steven A. Smith/Colin Cowherd, etc. Biological note: shit is supposed to come from the other major orifice. You might want to get that checked out.
4. Barry Bonds. For warping the morals and expectations of an entire city with the gravitational forces emanating from your planetoid cranium.
5. Karl Malone. For speaking. Ever. Also, for nearly running me off the road in your (admittedly nifty) truck.
6. Larry H. Miller. For failing to give 25 letters of the alphabet their proper respect.
7. Charlie Weis. For the front bum. And hoping that a big deal about calling one play for a sick boy will make us forget that you have Summer's Eve tattooed to your forehead.
7a. Notre Dame. Just because.
8. Vlade Divac/Manu Ginobili. The old, aging football player in me, who never took a play off or used an unfair advantage, as well as the current pick-up ball player in me, who rarely calls fouls of any sort, would like to meet both of you in a dark alley with a length of steel pipe. We'll teach you toughness old-school.
9. Stephen Marbury. Because you are naught more than carbon-based pollution.
10. The stupid guy with the pornstache that comes to pick-up ball. Learn the different between a hard foul and battery. And not to whine when you get nudged. And the meaning of "call your own". And a good explanation as to why your back is so bad you make your home teachers do your yard work, but yet not bad enough to keep you from playing ball every Tuesday. Seriously, you have almost died at multiple people's hands many times now.
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