Puerto Rico, the 51st state

[Coach McGuirk]

For example, I haven't even seen Titanic yet.

The boat sinks.

[Indy Coug]

For example, I haven't even seen Titanic yet.

Really?

Spoiler for Titanic:

Billy Zane wears a hairpiece.

[SoonerCoug]

Really?

Spoiler for :

Billy Zane wears a hairpiece.

Nope. I just read the Cliffs Notes version from Eric Snider:

There is also an audio version on of this on his web page: http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/clash-of-the-titanic/

Clash of the Titanic

Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you -- I am speaking to the women here -- have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.

I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. (Note to reader: From the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it.) Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie. I had to shave twice during this movie. Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.

As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version of "Titanic." All I want in return is a lot of money.

(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat sank.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

* * *

(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of course you will have to take off all your clothes.
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

* * *

(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

* * *

(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me, I --
AUDIENCE: Boo! Boo!
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway--
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

* * *

(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was -- hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!

(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)

[TripletDaddy]

i thought I had seen the last of that eric snider titanic when I was at school.

[SoonerCoug]

i thought I had seen the last of that eric snider titanic when I was at school.

Don't dis him. I just invited him to join CUF.

[Pheidippides]

i thought I had seen the last of that eric snider titanic when I was at school.

I actually still read his film reviews quite a bit.

[Katy Lied]

I missed that because the LDS Church exiled me to Siberia without access to news from 1997 until 1999.

Sheesh every time you say stuff like this I get jealous. I would love to go to Novosibirsk State U. For a semester, for a year, for a research op.

[dabrockster]

Another reason why this whole thing is shady and is pretty clear it is nothing more then a ploy by the Dems/Progressives..

From Wiki (The New Progressive Party of Puerto Rico) What is their sole mission... Gee. I wonder.:
[ame="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Progressive_Party_of_Puerto_Rico"]New Progressive Party of Puerto Rico - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia@@AMEPARAM@@/wiki/File:PNP.logo.png" class="image" title="New Progressive Party logo"><img alt="New Progressive Party logo" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/7/75/PNP.logo.png/200px-PNP.logo.png"@@AMEPARAM@@en/thumb/7/75/PNP.logo.png/200px-PNP.logo.png[/ame]


FYI: It does say a majority of them are registered Republicans.. However, I do not know what that means.. If it means it would be a Repub delegate or a Dem delegate f this actually happens...

[Hallelujah]

In my experience, the people of PR don't want it to become a state.

They want the benefits but not the costs.

[beefytee]

So is Puerto Rico a state yet? I heard it was only supposed to take a month or so.

[KillerDog]

I thought it was a two stage vote that was likely to get 2/3 support for change initially, then a majority vote for statehood in the second vote. I think the first vote was going to take about a month. I don't recall what the second was going to take.

I think P.R. should be a state. I think the people of P.R. are right in trying to keep the current situation. Absent the "no taxation without representation" thing, they have it pretty good.

[All-American]

For people who think MSNBC is purely liberal, I beg to differ. They just did a piece on Puerto Rico potentially becoming the 51st state, and their only guest was a guy from the Heritage Foundation (super conservative think tank). He went on and on about how the vote is rigged because Puerto Ricans who live in America will be able to vote on whether Puerto Rico should become a state. (I fail to see how this is unfair. We allow Americans who live elsewhere to vote in our presidential elections.) He also says it's a ploy by the democrats to get two more senate seats. That may be true, but no opposing viewpoint was provided.

Why shouldn't PR be able to become a state if that's what the people want?

I understand that there will be an announcement on June 11th. Everybody meet at Beto's.

(I don't think anything will happen, personally. PR doesn't bring in enough television sets.)

[frank ryan]

I understand that there will be an announcement on June 11th. Everybody meet at Beto's.

(I don't think anything will happen, personally. PR doesn't bring in enough television sets.)

That got a legit lol

[UtahDan]

I don't care if it is a liberal ploy to get more votes in the legislature. If they go through the process and statehood is approved then we will welcome them as a state. I feel the same way about DC. If that is a blow to the Republican party, so be it. Work harder and win over the voters. This should have nothing to do with politics.

EDIT: I should add that, of course, it is up to Congress, not Puerto Ricans. Though no one is likely to vote for it if they themselves don't want it.

[Katy Lied]

I don't care if it is a liberal ploy to get more votes in the legislature. If they go through the process and statehood is approved then we will welcome them as a state. I feel the same way about DC. If that is a blow to the Republican party, so be it. Work harder and win over the voters. This should have nothing to do with politics.

EDIT: I should add that, of course, it is up to Congress, not Puerto Ricans. Though no one is likely to vote for it if they themselves don't want it.

I was going to say, if that's all it takes, I know a bunch of really poor areas in Romania who would love to vote to become the 52nd state (after PR).