LDS blogger comes out with his wife.

[HauteCoug]

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

This is fascinating, and I don't know if it's really fair of me to judge this whole situation... but I don't know if I would be able to do this either.

[New Mexican Disaster]

Good for him. But, I am sure that I would not want my parent's sexuality being a topic of conversation for a lot of people. I think these types of things would be better off private.

[Swimmer]

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club...me-out-of.html

This is fascinating, and I don't know if it's really fair of me to judge this whole situation... but I don't know if I would be able to do this either.

I honestly hope it works out for both of them. I am pretty sure I was just as committed to making my mixed-orientation marriage work as he is, and I was able to pretend for a long time, but eventually it became too much to handle, and it all fell apart. Having kids helped, but even that wasn't enough in the long run. My marriage ended in an ugly manner - I hope that doesn't happen to him, no matter what he eventually decides to do.

[Indy Coug]

I honestly hope it works out for both of them. I am pretty sure I was just as committed to making my mixed-orientation marriage work as he is, and I was able to pretend for a long time, but eventually it became too much to handle, and it all fell apart. Having kids helped, but even that wasn't enough in the long run. My marriage ended in an ugly manner - I hope that doesn't happen to him, no matter what he eventually decides to do.

Was your ex-wife aware of your orientation prior to your marriage? If not, at what point did she become aware?

[Swimmer]

Was your ex-wife aware of your orientation prior to your marriage? If not, at what point did she become aware?

No...she was not aware of it - I was told repeately by my Bishop and Stake President to never tell her. She found out about my sexuality 18 years into the marriage when the Bishop's wife took it upon herself to tell her. Coincidentally, this happened exactly one day after I shared the information with the Bishop.

[DU Ute]

No...she was not aware of it - I was told repeately by my Bishop and Stake President to never tell her. She found out about my sexuality 18 years into the marriage when the Bishop's wife took it upon herself to tell her. Coincidentally, this happened exactly one day after I shared the information with the Bishop.

That's not cool.

[Pheidippides]

That's not cool.

On a few levels.

[Swimmer]

That's not cool.

No...you're right, it's not cool. It was one of the most devastating moments of my life. I wish people could understand that no matter how badly I didn't want to tell my wife about my sexuality, I absolutely wanted, and deserved, to be the one to tell her. It absolutely nearly destroyed me...and my wife.

[The Rambam]

No...she was not aware of it - I was told repeately by my Bishop and Stake President to never tell her. She found out about my sexuality 18 years into the marriage when the Bishop's wife took it upon herself to tell her. Coincidentally, this happened exactly one day after I shared the information with the Bishop.

Exhibit A on why you should never counsel with a untrained lay minister in the Mormon Church. If you need to talk, get a referral to LDS Social Services.

[The Rambam]

Thanks for sharing this. I am amazed by her love and his honesty. They both are truly amazing people and I greatly respect and am happy for the peace they have found together.

But I do note that the entire set-up is fraught with incredible danger. Is he really going to be satisfied never being with a man his whole life? I hope he can maintain the balance he has currently built. I would think the failure rate in this type of situation would be very high. A dangerous choice for both of them, I think all would admit.

And the foundation for the life-long denial of sexual self is the Proclamation on the Family, which he quotes two parts of to explain why he made the choice he made. He calls the idea that marriage is only between a man and a woman and that children are "entitled" to be raised in a family with a mother and a father "key doctrines" in the Church. I don't need to point out that the Proclamation was first introduced at a General Relief Society meeting in the fall of 1995. Elder Packer refered to it as "scripture" in his spoken General Conference talk, but he had to revise the published version to instead just say: "It is a guide that members of the Church would do well to read and to follow." The reference to it being scripture was deleted. http://www.lds.org/general-conferenc...e-inner-vessel

My point is that it really isn't our doctrine that marriage must be between a man and a woman. In fact the scriptures are replete with sanctioned sexual relationships that don't fit our Victorian ideal of romantic love between one man and one woman. From Abraham sleeping with his slaves, to the 12 Tribes being born of two wives and two concubines, to Moses' arranged political marriage to the Queen of Sheba, to David and Solomon's harems, to Jesus and Paul's celibacy (as far as we know) to Joseph and Brigham's polygamy and polyandry. To try to wrap all that gospel history into a neat little Victorian package as the Proclamation has nothing to do with eternal law, but instead is a current policy preference.

And if God is going to allow that kind of diversity in sexuality, it is so far afield to allow homosexuality? Only 4 verses refer to homosexuality in the scriptures. Four. It is called and abomination in the OT--along with eating shellfish and touching menstruating women. Christ never felt the subject worth his mention. His biographers in the NT didn't feel the need to comment on homosexuality (but is was very common in the Greek and Roman worlds). The Book of Mormon, written for our day by Prophets who saw us and knew the struggles and trials we would face, never mentions homosexuality or same-sex marriage.

The BofM spends literally hundreds of verses on the dangers of being prideful in wealth and not taking care of the poor. But it never mentions the dangers of same sex marriage or homosexuality in any context. It was written for our day, Mormon and Moroni say. Hmmmm.

The Doctrine and Covenants, given by the head of our dispensation sets forth the doctrine and the governance of the Church in the last dispensation. Not a single revelation mentions homosexuality or defines marriage as being limited to one man and one woman.

The point is that there is plenty of room to consider our stand against gay marriage and homosexuality in general as a policy position which can be changed without revising the revelations and scripture that govern us. There is frankly more scriptural support for banning blacks the Temple and priesthood (scant v. none).

So the couple in the article are choosing a very hard and unconventional path. They might make it. I hope they do. And under the current policies of the Church, maybe it is the best way for a gay man to proceed. Assuming they never crack and assuming the current policy never changes. If either thing comes to pass, it would have been better had they not married. Probably. It is hard to know for sure in these matters.

[Blueintheface]

No...you're right, it's not cool. It was one of the most devastating moments of my life. I wish people could understand that no matter how badly I didn't want to tell my wife about my sexuality, I absolutely wanted, and deserved, to be the one to tell her. It absolutely nearly destroyed me...and my wife.

That makes my stomach hurt. You probably already answered this but do you think had you had the chance to tell her yourself that your marriage would have survived or was it inevitable that change was necessary?

[Swimmer]

That makes my stomach hurt. You probably already answered this but do you think had you had the chance to tell her yourself that your marriage would have survived or was it inevitable that change was necessary?

No...she never would have stayed with me knowing it, and I was ready to live an honest and authentic life, but I still think I should have not had that "opportunity" taken away from me. That one thing has caused a huge barrier to the two of us being effective co-parents/friends since the divorce. She will never be the same - and I cannot help but blame myself sometimes.

[Blueintheface]

No...she never would have stayed with me knowing it, and I was ready to live an honest and authentic life, but I still think I should have not had that "opportunity" taken away from me. That one thing has caused a huge barrier to the two of us being effective co-parents/friends since the divorce. She will never be the same - and I cannot help but blame myself sometimes.

I'm so sorry. I know you've probably been told this countless times, but don't blame yourself. You were doing what you'd been taught to do and for nearly 20 years you denied yourself the most basic of human instincts. Was not telling her a cause for guilt? I'm not sure that it should be. You knew her well and despite your true feelings you repressed that for her and the kids. That's worth something. Heres to hoping she matures quickly, for your children's sake.

[TripletDaddy]

It isn't a judgment call. The Obispo should not be telling his wife anything that comes out of a personal meeting with a ward member.

For any of our resident Cuffers that have worn the crown, is the training pretty clear that confidential information is confidential from spouse? Or is it something that isn't discussed much?

[frank ryan]

No...she never would have stayed with me knowing it, and I was ready to live an honest and authentic life, but I still think I should have not had that "opportunity" taken away from me. That one thing has caused a huge barrier to the two of us being effective co-parents/friends since the divorce. She will never be the same - and I cannot help but blame myself sometimes.

Anyone who really knows you can attest to what an excellent parent you are. Any barriars separating you from your kids are tragic.