Very tough night

[snowcat]

Like everyone else in the world, I have been through some very tough things in life. Being gay, coming out, leaving the church, and getting divorced were all extremely tough things to deal with, but the very worst thing I have ever experienced was losing my entire family. My parents, all 8 siblings, and many of my friends have completely stopped associating with me due to my church resignation and sexuality.

I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered and continue to experience. It makes me very sad to see the pain that gays, especially in our LDS culture, have to experience. I hope and pray for God to help us find a way to eliminate this.

Unlike some, I am slow to condemn your family members for their hurtful behavior.

To the very orthodox being gay is a choice. To many others, living as a sexually active gay is a choice even if it is not a choice to be gay. I believe that here lies the problem. As a parent or other family member we hate to see our loved ones making choices that we believe are wrong and ultimately will bring them pain. As a result, it is very difficult to know how to respond to one who is openly making this "choice". However, wrong headed I think they are, I am guessing that your families motives may be better than their actions.

One of my son's best friends came out last year. It has been hell for his parents trying to know how to handle this. Do they accept his partner as any other spouse in the family? His parents are not hard core orthodox, they are just trying to do what is best for the son they love dearly.

We look to our church to help us know what this "best" is. Why, because we are looking for God to tell us what is best. Reading Hopfrog's thoughts have helped me to better understand that I should be going directly to God for these kind of answers in my life.

Don't lose all faith in your family. I pray that they will have a change of heart that will bring them back into your life. I hope that your pain will diminish and I am glad that you do have people in your life that support you.

[Swimmer]

GN, you make my nipples hard.

I agree fully! For some reason, ice cream, on a hot Summer day, always tasted better in Shoshone.

[Green Monstah]

I'll pray for your family. I'm glad your kids are wonderful to you. You deserve it.

[SoCalCoug]

Swimmer, I've had some similar experiences in my family (my brother who's 13 months younger than me is gay), and I know it's really tough when you don't get the support you should get from your family.

It's been a difficult few years for gay Mormons.

[clackamascoug]

I think the church's trend is moving to more acceptance. There are still some later comers out there, but as a whole its getting better.

Years ago, we had a family member go on a mission, and after 2 months decided he decided the Lord's plan of happiness was not living a lie.

On Easter Sunday he and I ended sitting by each other and we had a good talk. He's in a good place, and I told him if he's not going to have kids or go to church on Sunday's, he ought to take up golfing. I told him if I was in his shoes, that's what I'd do. And then I offered to teach him the basics. Kind of groom him for a "better way."

[Uncle Ted]

Was there a better soft ice cream cone on God's green earth than those bad boys the Shoshone Frostee's Freeze was churning out in the 70's and 80's?

There was nothing better in all of Lincoln County.

Do people even stop in Shoshone any more? I guess there is not a reason to take a fly fishing trip any more up to Ketchum and Sun Valley given it has been overrun by the movie stars and Bill Gates.

[Indy Coug]

Was there a better soft ice cream cone on God's green earth than those bad boys the Shoshone Frostee's Freeze was churning out in the 70's and 80's?

I had completely forgotten about that place. It was really good, but I was in elementary school back then and didn't have very discriminating tastes.

[FMCoug]

Your family must be extremely orthodox. With my limited knowledge, saying that is not passing judgement on you or them, just an observation as to what could cause such a strain.

Sad that when we hear of such un-christlike behavior the first thing that comes to mind is how orthodox they must be. All is NOT well in Zion.

The shunning of gay family members or apostates for any reason has always been so confusing to me.

FIFY.

Unlike some, I am slow to condemn your family members for their hurtful behavior.

Sorry but this is bullshit. Family trumps all even if you believe as you said, loving the "sinner" unconditionally is what the Gospel I believe in teaches.



This stuff pisses me off to no end. Perhaps my perspective is different given that I grew up with basically no family and have no extended family to speak of to this day but I cannot fathom "shunning" for any reason. And I mean any. I would love my kids no matter what they did. It's not Christlike and not in harmony with the Gospel and I believe that those who engage in such actions will be judged 1000x more harshly for them than the "sins" they are judgmental about.

"STOP IT!" President Uchtdorf rocks!

[hopfrog]

Most of my closeted life was spent with my family asking me why I was such a sissy and saying stuff like "You're not like that, are you, son?" I had no idea what they were talking about at first. A gay child learns that they are gay because they are told so by society and family. Being gay is their natural and innocent state of being. Then life becomes twisted as we learn how homosexuals are regarded as sick freaks who molest children and crawl with disease, or whatever, and we fight not to be "like that." My parents, for most of my life, kept asking me at various times in my young life, "You're not like that, are you?" and I said "No." They knew my best teenage friend was gay before I did and told me, "He's strange, son, he's different. You're not like that, are you?"

I finally told my parents, "Yes, I'm like that." They told me to move to San Francisco so that I wouldn't shame the family with my presence. Losing my family was devastating. I had longed, all of my life, with trying to win my father's love, but he was too uptight about his suspicions. One afternoon, I was around eleven, I had built a fort with my lincoln logs, and I was playing with my wee plastic soldiers. I thought this was a very "dude" thing to do, and I pointed out to my father the glories of my fort and its manly soldiers. "Don't you have something better to do than play with dolls?" was his response.

Family can often come to their senses when they begin to miss their child, and that was my case. When my sister finally married her black boyfriend, I was no longer the major family "embarrassment" and began to be invited back for Christmas dinner, &c. The things that saved me were good friends and self-acceptance, and being happy in my employment. Being part of a happy and healthy work force was essential, it gave me a place to go five days a week, a labor to perform as well as I could, and a work family, some of whom became good friends. Self-love is essential. Being happy in our skins, in our selves, shines a light that all can see and few but the very uptight can argue with.

It's getting easier to be happily gay in this world, but there are still too many who are lonely and miserable because of the hard-hardheartedness of family members who are prejudiced against the things they cannot comprehend. I experienced this same kind of bigotry from some of my queer friends, who dropped me when I returned to the church because I was now sleeping with the enemy and they hated me for my return to faith. Good riddance to false friends.

It is important to tell our stories, to tell the world what they have done to us, how we have been damaged and how we can heal. I'm in a very strange situation at the moment because of being in this wonderful movie, Far Between -- I expect my priesthood leaders to freak out at what could possibly become the wide exposure of my punk drag queen persona. My life is probably beyond the comprehension of any general authority who lives in Utah, and this new exposure could easily lead to dis-fellowship or a second excommunication. I am preparing myself emotionally in case any such thing happens, hoping that it does not. I have covenanted with God that I will never again leave the church because my testimony of the restored gospel is so absolutely rock solid, and I fully intent to stay as active as possible no matter what, even if I get kicked out again. I have no intention of changing anything about my life, my lifestyle. I Am as I Am. Yet will I be filled with deep sorrow if I lose membership again.

So many paths in life. But once we realize the right path for us, we walk it with head held high. If we suffer the elements of fate, we do so with song in throat and hope in heart. We walk proud. If we are true to ourselves, we never walk alone.

[DrumNFeather]

Most of my closeted life was spent with my family asking me why I was such a sissy and saying stuff like "You're not like that, are you, son?" I had no idea what they were talking about at first. A gay child learns that they are gay because they are told so by society and family. Being gay is their natural and innocent state of being. Then life becomes twisted as we learn how homosexuals are regarded as sick freaks who molest children and crawl with disease, or whatever, and we fight not to be "like that." My parents, for most of my life, kept asking me at various times in my young life, "You're not like that, are you?" and I said "No." They knew my best teenage friend was gay before I did and told me, "He's strange, son, he's different. You're not like that, are you?"

I finally told my parents, "Yes, I'm like that." They told me to move to San Francisco so that I wouldn't shame the family with my presence. Losing my family was devastating. I had longed, all of my life, with trying to win my father's love, but he was too uptight about his suspicions. One afternoon, I was around eleven, I had built a fort with my lincoln logs, and I was playing with my wee plastic soldiers. I thought this was a very "dude" thing to do, and I pointed out to my father the glories of my fort and its manly soldiers. "Don't you have something better to do than play with dolls?" was his response.

Family can often come to their senses when they begin to miss their child, and that was my case. When my sister finally married her black boyfriend, I was no longer the major family "embarrassment" and began to be invited back for Christmas dinner, &c. The things that saved me were good friends and self-acceptance, and being happy in my employment. Being part of a happy and healthy work force was essential, it gave me a place to go five days a week, a labor to perform as well as I could, and a work family, some of whom became good friends. Self-love is essential. Being happy in our skins, in our selves, shines a light that all can see and few but the very uptight can argue with.

It's getting easier to be happily gay in this world, but there are still too many who are lonely and miserable because of the hard-hardheartedness of family members who are prejudiced against the things they cannot comprehend. I experienced this same kind of bigotry from some of my queer friends, who dropped me when I returned to the church because I was now sleeping with the enemy and they hated me for my return to faith. Good riddance to false friends.

It is important to tell our stories, to tell the world what they have done to us, how we have been damaged and how we can heal. I'm in a very strange situation at the moment because of being in this wonderful movie, Far Between -- I expect my priesthood leaders to freak out at what could possibly become the wide exposure of my punk drag queen persona. My life is probably beyond the comprehension of any general authority who lives in Utah, and this new exposure could easily lead to dis-fellowship or a second excommunication. I am preparing myself emotionally in case any such thing happens, hoping that it does not. I have covenanted with God that I will never again leave the church because my testimony of the restored gospel is so absolutely rock solid, and I fully intent to stay as active as possible no matter what, even if I get kicked out again. I have no intention of changing anything about my life, my lifestyle. I Am as I Am. Yet will I be filled with deep sorrow if I lose membership again.

So many paths in life. But once we realize the right path for us, we walk it with head held high. If we suffer the elements of fate, we do so with song in throat and hope in heart. We walk proud. If we are true to ourselves, we never walk alone.

This paragraph really jumped out at me. It would be tough enough to have one side of your support system bail because of a lack of understanding...but to have the other side, a seemingly more sympathetic side also bail because of a lack of understanding would be doubly tough.

It sounds like you have found a good balance both within yourself as well as in those with whom you associate both inside the church and out. For that, I applaud you.

[Blueintheface]

Swimmer/Hopfrog, my heart hurts thinking about the situations that have played out in your lives. I can only hope that relationships you develop in your adult lives can help fill the void left by thoughtless family members and friends. That you both are working through issues that I couldn't begin to deal with is beyond admirable. Ultimately my hope is that your family and friends beg your forgiveness and accept you as the same wonderful people you've always been, but if that never happens just realize that even people that haven't met you yet can read your words and instantly see what thoughtful and compassionate people you are. Best of luck to both of you.

[Swimmer]

I can only hope that relationships you develop in your adult lives can help fill the void left by thoughtless family members and friends.

Thank you so much. I know I am definitely finding the family I need - even if those family members are not related to me biologically. Life is not perfect, but I have truly never been happier in all my years.

[wuapinmon]

Thank you so much. I know I am definitely finding the family I need - even if those family members are not related to me biologically. Life is not perfect, but I have truly never been happier in all my years.

Really? I can't imagine having my entire family despise me while calling myself happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I hope that this is truly the case for you, and I'm sorry that you've had such a hellish time with revealing your orientation to those who should love you no matter what.

Do you think your happiness stems more from you're newfound freedom about who you are, or more from being free from all of the baggage you've had to carry because you had to hide who you are? I cannot fathom the mental toll while feeling obligated by God and Man to fake being attracted to someone in marriage for years and years, raise kids with them, and find no fulfillment in the act of physical intimacy with them, other than fantasy that you could never share.

Yours is a burden that I could never bear. Lifelong obesity seems frivolous as a struggle compared to what you've gone through.

[Swimmer]

Really? I can't imagine having my entire family despise me while calling myself happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I hope that this is truly the case for you, and I'm sorry that you've had such a hellish time with revealing your orientation to those who should love you no matter what.

Do you think your happiness stems more from you're newfound freedom about who you are, or more from being free from all of the baggage you've had to carry because you had to hide who you are? I cannot fathom the mental toll while feeling obligated by God and Man to fake being attracted to someone in marriage for years and years, raise kids with them, and find no fulfillment in the act of physical intimacy with them, other than fantasy that you could never share.

Yours is a burden that I could never bear. Lifelong obesity seems frivolous as a struggle compared to what you've gone through.

I don't know about that - we all have our struggles in life. While I wish my family was willing to be a part of my life, I just have no choice at this time other than to be happy with things the way they are. I have an amazing partner, 5 incredible kids, and some amazing friends.

Doing the best we can is all that we can expect of ourselves - and when others expect more of us than we can possibly do, something has to give. Besides, it's my family that is missing out by not knowing my "significant other".

[Blueintheface]

Thank you so much. I know I am definitely finding the family I need - even if those family members are not related to me biologically. Life is not perfect, but I have truly never been happier in all my years.

Great to hear. Keep posting and keep your chin up.

Hey, and don't limit yourself to the Foyer. Get out there and see the world of CUF.