Funniest Church moments of the past 20 years.

[TripletDaddy]

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Hey, listen. This thread is about funny CHURCH stories, not funny game show stories.

I hate mission reunions!

[TripletDaddy]

Doesn't it seem suspicious that so many people have a story about a slow-reading Priest who mumbled a curse word into the mic after messing up the sacrament prayer? I'm sure it's happened before, but I've been hearing stories like this for years. Sounds a little urban legendy.

I think they curse after they find out that the Church won't accept their tithes from gambling, as outlined in Book 1.

[Color Me Badd Fan]

Second week at BYU, is a fast and testimony meeting.

Bishop Warner gets up and bears his testimony something to the effect "I know ow hard it is to live the law of chastity. In fact at work there are some nurses that always want to have sex with me and pour hot oil and mayonnaise all over my naked body. Sometimes I want to let them."

Dead silence, except for yours truly braying with laughter on the top row seats in the Maeser building. Several people got up and walked out. That was the bishop's last week as our bishop.

I think this one can definitely compete with Robert Applegate.

[utahby5]

My bishop's top three

My Bishop is a constant source of great material.

1) I was his executive secretary when first called and after one particularly gruelling evening of interviews with several needy sisters he said to me, "These sisters come in and they just bitch, bitch, bitch, and I can't blame them because their husbands are pricks."

2) In Ward Council, referring to the young women that were turning 18 and anxious to move into the relief society and out of the YW's, he said, "what's their hurry, don't they know that the RS is a slow death?" The RS president perked up quickly.

3) In PEC he called a brother in the ward a cocksucker, then said "I guess that might have come across wrong". He then tried to explain that as he grew up on a dairy farm, he simply meant to imply that the guy wasn't too bright since a cocksucker was a calf that didn't know the difference between his mother and father.

[Jeff Lebowski]

My Bishop is a constant source of great material.

1) I was his executive secretary when first called and after one particularly gruelling evening of interviews with several needy sisters he said to me, "These sisters come in and they just bitch, bitch, bitch, and I can't blame them because their husbands are pricks."

2) In Ward Council, referring to the young women that were turning 18 and anxious to move into the relief society and out of the YW's, he said, "what's their hurry, don't they know that the RS is a slow death?" The RS president perked up quickly.

3) In PEC he called a brother in the ward a cocksucker, then said "I guess that might have come across wrong". He then tried to explain that as he grew up on a dairy farm, he simply meant to imply that the guy wasn't too bright since a cocksucker was a calf that didn't know the difference between his mother and father.

Excellent first post. Welcome.

[Color Me Badd Fan]

My Bishop is a constant source of great material.

1) I was his executive secretary when first called and after one particularly gruelling evening of interviews with several needy sisters he said to me, "These sisters come in and they just bitch, bitch, bitch, and I can't blame them because their husbands are pricks."

2) In Ward Council, referring to the young women that were turning 18 and anxious to move into the relief society and out of the YW's, he said, "what's their hurry, don't they know that the RS is a slow death?" The RS president perked up quickly.

3) In PEC he called a brother in the ward a cocksucker, then said "I guess that might have come across wrong". He then tried to explain that as he grew up on a dairy farm, he simply meant to imply that the guy wasn't too bright since a cocksucker was a calf that didn't know the difference between his mother and father.

It would be awesome to serve under Bishop Finstock. Too bad he didn't take the time to ask if the 18 year old girls had developed the requisite Relief Society Arms in order to earn passage from Young Women's.

[SoCalCoug]

This could either be a more churchwide event or something that happened at the local level- anything related to the church.

My personal favorite (in hindsight) was when Cody Judy got taken down and guys were punching and kicking him while 20,000 people were singing "We Thank Thee of God For A Prophet."

"Don't mess with the Elders of Israel!" I was there. I don't think I was singing, though - I was looking for the exits - I was about halfway up and saw him waving something black in his hand - I actually thought it was a gun - though I did hear him say the word "detonator" - another reason I was looking for the exit.

My favorite conference moment was when Pres. Hunter was speaking in conference. I was listening with my head down when all of a sudden the talk stopped mid-sentence. I looked up only to see an empty podium. They got him back up, and he started again right where he left off.

[TheAzzuri]

I am skeptical the following story is actually true, since it came to me secondhand. However, I completely trust the person who told me.

We have some family members with a couple of autistic children. They are part of an online support group for LDS families with autistic kids and some friends on the site shared the following story:

As you probably know, autistic individuals depend heavily on routine to get them through the day, and that includes sacrament meeting. For this one particular child, any sort of deviation from the norm in conducting the meeting often sends him into a fit and usually results in him flipping off whomever is conducting, and not in a quiet manner either. It's usually front and center. The parents have learned to sit in the back corner and have various coping strategies and ward members have basically learned to ignore.

However, one sacrament meeting, there was a new (somewhat unpolished) member of the bishopric who was conducting for the first time. He got a bit flustered and started to do things slightly out of order. Basically, he got so flustered and made so many mistakes that the kid got angry and instead of flipping him off, stood up on the bench, turned around, and mooned the poor guy.

Talk about an initiation.

[BigPiney]

My favorite conference moment was when Pres. Hunter was speaking in conference. I was listening with my head down when all of a sudden the talk stopped mid-sentence. I looked up only to see an empty podium. They got him back up, and he started again right where he left off.

I did that once. Word of advice - Don't lock your knees.

This was as a fresh RM and I was doing the go with different HC members thingy. I never got a call to speak again after that one.

[Surfah]

Doesn't it seem suspicious that so many people have a story about a slow-reading Priest who mumbled a curse word into the mic after messing up the sacrament prayer? I'm sure it's happened before, but I've been hearing stories like this for years. Sounds a little urban legendy.

Of course. But mine was witnessed and heard in person Saugus 1st ward, circa 94-95. We were roommates in college. As soon as he graduated from HS he went inactive.

[HuskyFreeNorthwest]

While serving as a missionary in the San Andreas ward it became apparent one morning that nobody was going to give the opening prayer to Sacrament meeting. After the song was finished we all say in silence for a few moments. Then one of the counselors got up and said I guess we are missing the prayer, Brother X will now come up and give it for us.

After the prayer I think the counselor felt like he had come across as making a demand rather than asking him to do so. So as the prayer giver was walking back to his seat the counselor said "That one act alone gives you a spot in the Telestial kingdom, much like those pioneers that President Young spoke of years ago. I hope nobody thinks I am being self-religious here."

I had no need for a black berry during that sacrament meeting.

[smokymountainrain]

I think this one can definitely compete with Robert Applegate.

Assuming both stories are true, the Bobby Applegate story doesn't hold a candle to the Bishop Warner story.

utahby5's Bishop sounds like a Bishop we would all enjoy working with. Good stuff.

[UtahDan]

Within the boundaries of the ward I grew up in, and lived in again while going to law school, is a "training center" which is essentially a facility for adult men who are mentally disabled or disturbed enough that they need full time care. Experience has shown over the years that these unaccountable (in the eternal sense) individuals don't really cause much trouble but also don't (apparently) benefit much other than of course that is something some of them enjoy.

Anyway this produced a number of very entertaining individuals. Jose for example was a very intelligent and apparently educated man who was lucid at times and other times believed that he was Jesus himself. He would rise and in an accent very similar to Antonio Banderas start by saying "hello my children" and then chasten us for not adequately appreciating His suffering.

The best, though, had to be brother pan handler. Brother panhandler was a black gentleman, which I mention only because his experience and upbringing in a black Baptist church was obvious (if you have been to one, you know what I mean). Anyway, he got the name brother panhandler because he would work the crowd during sacrament meeting, moving from pew to pew asking for money and sitting uncomfortably close to the sisters. I would always ask him what he wanted the money for because I knew the answer: cigarettes. And he would always say so without hesitation.

Some other gems from brother panhandler were him throwing his arms in the air during the sacrament prayer and shouting "holy lord" and later in that same meeting when a newly returned missionary started his homecoming address with "how is everyone doing," brother panhandler shouting from the back of the chapel "everybody doin' ah-ite!" Good times.

[ERCougar]

I think that my church days have been far more boring than yours (and Utah Mormons are weird?....). I have heard countless variations of the fetish comment in church meetings--members are clueless to the connotation of this word and it usually ends up being pretty funny. Here's a good one from my wife:
As a teenager, she had performed with a string quartet in sacrament meeting. After the meeting closed and everyone was waiting for SS opening exercises to start, they went up to gather music and instruments. She bends over, butt to the congrgation, to pick up her violin and the violinist next to her picks up his music stand, hooking her dress and lifting it up over her head. Full-moon to the congregation.

[NorCalBYUFan]

Please, oh please, don't let this thread die. I've cried twice reading it. Some serious comedy here. Thank you!
Please keep it coming.

I agree, President Hunter falling over in Gen. Conf, then getting helped up - not saying a word about it, and just continuing on was the wackiest thing I've seen during GC.

The first time I heard about someone dropping an S bomb at the sacrament table was from my roomate in DT, summer of '88. Said he did it as a Priest just a few years earlier.

I had multiple friends (one of them a member of the Bishopric sitting on the stand at the time) talk to me about how a sister in their ward dropped the S bomb from the pulpit.
'Yes, in life S... happens. That's right, you heard me right, S... happens.' Bishop did nothing, just let the meeting continue. I mean really, what do you do at that point?

And I was at the Cody Judy / President Hunter moment. It was CRAZY! His VW bug with a skull and crossbones painted on the outside parked right in front of us as we walked in. What a nut job. I got my wife up and we walked out after everyone piled on top of him. I didn't want the place to go up in smoke and have us under the rubble.