marrying too young...

[PaloAltoCougar]

It just isn't reasonable to ask a 20-something to make a choice that will have to be honored by the same person as a 40-something. People change, and those promises that are made fail to take into account how people change.

I’ve found the quoted view to be widely shared, and rather sad. It’s like Woody Allen’s response, after Mia discovered he was sleeping with their daughter (his stepdaughter), Soon-Yi: “The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.” That view treats “to love” as a passive verb; it just happens, and you run with it. Love is simply one batch of hormones calling out to the other, and a relationship rests on the hope that one’s partner won’t find a more attractive deal down the road. But that makes marriage a marketplace, not a committed relationship.

Genuine commitment requires the view that love is an active verb. Even in those times in which you don’t like your spouse very much, you continue to love him/her, behaving and doing things that look like love, and shunning thoughts and behaviors that don’t. The cool thing is that eventually the thing that peeved you about your spouse, or the allure of someone else, eventually subsides, and your active behavior of “loving” your spouse makes your passive “love” greater than before. If one doesn’t take that approach, then each spouse is simply waiting and hoping that a better deal doesn’t come along for the other.

[PAC Marriage Tip No. 34 (newsletter subscriptions available)] As great as she is, there are times when She Who Must Be Obeyed bugs me (admittedly, often the cause of this annoyance is my fault, but still...). I’ve come to realize that I have a choice. I can focus on the annoyance and let it fester, I can succumb to the flirtations of an office assistant or work acquaintance (sadly, these flirtations are coming far less often in my fifties), I can fell sorry for myself, etc. After a brief wallow in self-pity, I pull out the mental DVD collection I have in my head that features many dozens, even hundreds, of memories of Mrs. PAC in action: by her side at childbirth; holding her hand as she struggled through a miscarriage; vacations with the kids; vacations without the kids (including, e.g., a memorable drive to a Maui hotel—there’s an extensive Adults Only collection in my memory); mile 80 of our first century when we came up behind a small group of serious riders I knew I could pass but was concerned if the missus could keep up, and then from right behind me I simply heard the words “Jam it!,” and we cruised past the group; and “those thousand decencies that daily flow from all her words and actions,” as Milton wrote of Eve. As I focus on Mrs. PAC’s Greatest Hits, whatever ill feelings I might have had toward her, or the warm fuzzies I might be feeling about the office Lolita, shrink to insignificance.

We married when I had just turned 22, and Mrs. PAC wasn’t quite 21. We will celebrate our 35th anniversary this summer. Other things being equal, I’d recommend people wait longer before making the commitment. But once the commitment is made, I think in most cases it’s possible to make it work, and work very well. People do change, but if the focus remains on actively loving the other, the change can be for the better, for the couple as well as the individual.

Sorry the length, but I didn’t have time to make it shorter, or less preachy. My focus can now turn to basketball and the size of Goatnapper’s breasts.

[wuapinmon]

I’ve found the quoted view to be widely shared, and rather sad. It’s like Woody Allen’s response, after Mia discovered he was sleeping with their daughter (his stepdaughter), Soon-Yi: “The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.” That view treats “to love” as a passive verb; it just happens, and you run with it. Love is simply one batch of hormones calling out to the other, and a relationship rests on the hope that one’s partner won’t find a more attractive deal down the road. But that makes marriage a marketplace, not a committed relationship.

Genuine commitment requires the view that love is an active verb. Even in those times in which you don’t like your spouse very much, you continue to love him/her, behaving and doing things that look like love, and shunning thoughts and behaviors that don’t. The cool thing is that eventually the thing that peeved you about your spouse, or the allure of someone else, eventually subsides, and your active behavior of “loving” your spouse makes your passive “love” greater than before. If one doesn’t take that approach, then each spouse is simply waiting and hoping that a better deal doesn’t come along for the other.

[PAC Marriage Tip No. 34 (newsletter subscriptions available)] As great as she is, there are times when She Who Must Be Obeyed bugs me (admittedly, often the cause of this annoyance is my fault, but still...). I’ve come to realize that I have a choice. I can focus on the annoyance and let it fester, I can succumb to the flirtations of an office assistant or work acquaintance (sadly, these flirtations are coming far less often in my fifties), I can fell sorry for myself, etc. After a brief wallow in self-pity, I pull out the mental DVD collection I have in my head that features many dozens, even hundreds, of memories of Mrs. PAC in action: by her side at childbirth; holding her hand as she struggled through a miscarriage; vacations with the kids; vacations without the kids (including, e.g., a memorable drive to a Maui hotel—there’s an extensive Adults Only collection in my memory); mile 80 of our first century when we came up behind a small group of serious riders I knew I could pass but was concerned if the missus could keep up, and then from right behind me I simply heard the words “Jam it!,” and we cruised past the group; and “those thousand decencies that daily flow from all her words and actions,” as Milton wrote of Eve. As I focus on Mrs. PAC’s Greatest Hits, whatever ill feelings I might have had toward her, or the warm fuzzies I might be feeling about the office Lolita, shrink to insignificance.

We married when I had just turned 22, and Mrs. PAC wasn’t quite 21. We will celebrate our 35th anniversary this summer. Other things being equal, I’d recommend people wait longer before making the commitment. But once the commitment is made, I think in most cases it’s possible to make it work, and work very well. People do change, but if the focus remains on actively loving the other, the change can be for the better, for the couple as well as the individual.

Sorry the length, but I didn’t have time to make it shorter, or less preachy. My focus can now turn to basketball and the size of Goatnapper’s breasts.

With people debating the marriage age thing again in another thread, I just wanted us all to have a chance to read this gem by the Sage, and reflect on what he says and how he says it.

[old_gregg]

With people debating the marriage age thing again in another thread, I just wanted us all to have a chance to read this gem by the Sage, and reflect on what he says and how he says it.

wow. pac, i would like you to know that you have received the honor of writing the first post on an internet message board that i have printed out and also saved in a word doc. honestly. awesome post. thank you.

[smokymountainrain]

I’ve found the quoted view to be widely shared, and rather sad. It’s like Woody Allen’s response, after Mia discovered he was sleeping with their daughter (his stepdaughter), Soon-Yi: “The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.” That view treats “to love” as a passive verb; it just happens, and you run with it. Love is simply one batch of hormones calling out to the other, and a relationship rests on the hope that one’s partner won’t find a more attractive deal down the road. But that makes marriage a marketplace, not a committed relationship.

Genuine commitment requires the view that love is an active verb. Even in those times in which you don’t like your spouse very much, you continue to love him/her, behaving and doing things that look like love, and shunning thoughts and behaviors that don’t. The cool thing is that eventually the thing that peeved you about your spouse, or the allure of someone else, eventually subsides, and your active behavior of “loving” your spouse makes your passive “love” greater than before. If one doesn’t take that approach, then each spouse is simply waiting and hoping that a better deal doesn’t come along for the other.

[PAC Marriage Tip No. 34 (newsletter subscriptions available)] As great as she is, there are times when She Who Must Be Obeyed bugs me (admittedly, often the cause of this annoyance is my fault, but still...). I’ve come to realize that I have a choice. I can focus on the annoyance and let it fester, I can succumb to the flirtations of an office assistant or work acquaintance (sadly, these flirtations are coming far less often in my fifties), I can fell sorry for myself, etc. After a brief wallow in self-pity, I pull out the mental DVD collection I have in my head that features many dozens, even hundreds, of memories of Mrs. PAC in action: by her side at childbirth; holding her hand as she struggled through a miscarriage; vacations with the kids; vacations without the kids (including, e.g., a memorable drive to a Maui hotel—there’s an extensive Adults Only collection in my memory); mile 80 of our first century when we came up behind a small group of serious riders I knew I could pass but was concerned if the missus could keep up, and then from right behind me I simply heard the words “Jam it!,” and we cruised past the group; and “those thousand decencies that daily flow from all her words and actions,” as Milton wrote of Eve. As I focus on Mrs. PAC’s Greatest Hits, whatever ill feelings I might have had toward her, or the warm fuzzies I might be feeling about the office Lolita, shrink to insignificance.

We married when I had just turned 22, and Mrs. PAC wasn’t quite 21. We will celebrate our 35th anniversary this summer. Other things being equal, I’d recommend people wait longer before making the commitment. But once the commitment is made, I think in most cases it’s possible to make it work, and work very well. People do change, but if the focus remains on actively loving the other, the change can be for the better, for the couple as well as the individual.

Sorry the length, but I didn’t have time to make it shorter, or less preachy. My focus can now turn to basketball and the size of Goatnapper’s breasts.

Bottom line here: Love can either be something we choose to do or we can allow ourselves to simply fall in and out of it as the wind blows. Hopefully, with our wives, we always make it the former.

[LA Ute]

I’ve found the quoted view to be widely shared, and rather sad. It’s like Woody Allen’s response, after Mia discovered he was sleeping with their daughter (his stepdaughter), Soon-Yi: “The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.” That view treats “to love” as a passive verb; it just happens, and you run with it. Love is simply one batch of hormones calling out to the other, and a relationship rests on the hope that one’s partner won’t find a more attractive deal down the road. But that makes marriage a marketplace, not a committed relationship.

Genuine commitment requires the view that love is an active verb. Even in those times in which you don’t like your spouse very much, you continue to love him/her, behaving and doing things that look like love, and shunning thoughts and behaviors that don’t. The cool thing is that eventually the thing that peeved you about your spouse, or the allure of someone else, eventually subsides, and your active behavior of “loving” your spouse makes your passive “love” greater than before. If one doesn’t take that approach, then each spouse is simply waiting and hoping that a better deal doesn’t come along for the other.

[PAC Marriage Tip No. 34 (newsletter subscriptions available)] As great as she is, there are times when She Who Must Be Obeyed bugs me (admittedly, often the cause of this annoyance is my fault, but still...). I’ve come to realize that I have a choice. I can focus on the annoyance and let it fester, I can succumb to the flirtations of an office assistant or work acquaintance (sadly, these flirtations are coming far less often in my fifties), I can fell sorry for myself, etc. After a brief wallow in self-pity, I pull out the mental DVD collection I have in my head that features many dozens, even hundreds, of memories of Mrs. PAC in action: by her side at childbirth; holding her hand as she struggled through a miscarriage; vacations with the kids; vacations without the kids (including, e.g., a memorable drive to a Maui hotel—there’s an extensive Adults Only collection in my memory); mile 80 of our first century when we came up behind a small group of serious riders I knew I could pass but was concerned if the missus could keep up, and then from right behind me I simply heard the words “Jam it!,” and we cruised past the group; and “those thousand decencies that daily flow from all her words and actions,” as Milton wrote of Eve. As I focus on Mrs. PAC’s Greatest Hits, whatever ill feelings I might have had toward her, or the warm fuzzies I might be feeling about the office Lolita, shrink to insignificance.

We married when I had just turned 22, and Mrs. PAC wasn’t quite 21. We will celebrate our 35th anniversary this summer. Other things being equal, I’d recommend people wait longer before making the commitment. But once the commitment is made, I think in most cases it’s possible to make it work, and work very well. People do change, but if the focus remains on actively loving the other, the change can be for the better, for the couple as well as the individual.

Sorry the length, but I didn’t have time to make it shorter, or less preachy. My focus can now turn to basketball and the size of Goatnapper’s breasts.

I somehow missed this post until today, Thanksgiving Day. As I give thanks for my own manifestation of She Who Must Be Obeyed (30 years next fall), this is perfect, and I can say it has been 100% true for us as well. Thanks, old bean.

[UtahDan]

I somehow missed this post until today, Thanksgiving Day. As I give thanks for my own manifestation of She Who Must Be Obeyed (30 years next fall), this is perfect, and I can say it has been 100% true for us as well. Thanks, old bean.

Agree, good stuff.

[Coastal Ute]

I’ve found the quoted view to be widely shared, and rather sad. It’s like Woody Allen’s response, after Mia discovered he was sleeping with their daughter (his stepdaughter), Soon-Yi: “The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.” That view treats “to love” as a passive verb; it just happens, and you run with it. Love is simply one batch of hormones calling out to the other, and a relationship rests on the hope that one’s partner won’t find a more attractive deal down the road. But that makes marriage a marketplace, not a committed relationship.

Genuine commitment requires the view that love is an active verb. Even in those times in which you don’t like your spouse very much, you continue to love him/her, behaving and doing things that look like love, and shunning thoughts and behaviors that don’t. The cool thing is that eventually the thing that peeved you about your spouse, or the allure of someone else, eventually subsides, and your active behavior of “loving” your spouse makes your passive “love” greater than before. If one doesn’t take that approach, then each spouse is simply waiting and hoping that a better deal doesn’t come along for the other.

[PAC Marriage Tip No. 34 (newsletter subscriptions available)] As great as she is, there are times when She Who Must Be Obeyed bugs me (admittedly, often the cause of this annoyance is my fault, but still...). I’ve come to realize that I have a choice. I can focus on the annoyance and let it fester, I can succumb to the flirtations of an office assistant or work acquaintance (sadly, these flirtations are coming far less often in my fifties), I can fell sorry for myself, etc. After a brief wallow in self-pity, I pull out the mental DVD collection I have in my head that features many dozens, even hundreds, of memories of Mrs. PAC in action: by her side at childbirth; holding her hand as she struggled through a miscarriage; vacations with the kids; vacations without the kids (including, e.g., a memorable drive to a Maui hotel—there’s an extensive Adults Only collection in my memory); mile 80 of our first century when we came up behind a small group of serious riders I knew I could pass but was concerned if the missus could keep up, and then from right behind me I simply heard the words “Jam it!,” and we cruised past the group; and “those thousand decencies that daily flow from all her words and actions,” as Milton wrote of Eve. As I focus on Mrs. PAC’s Greatest Hits, whatever ill feelings I might have had toward her, or the warm fuzzies I might be feeling about the office Lolita, shrink to insignificance.

We married when I had just turned 22, and Mrs. PAC wasn’t quite 21. We will celebrate our 35th anniversary this summer. Other things being equal, I’d recommend people wait longer before making the commitment. But once the commitment is made, I think in most cases it’s possible to make it work, and work very well. People do change, but if the focus remains on actively loving the other, the change can be for the better, for the couple as well as the individual.

Sorry the length, but I didn’t have time to make it shorter, or less preachy. My focus can now turn to basketball and the size of Goatnapper’s breasts.

Wow PAC, that was really something. Really impressive. I usually don't come over here, but am glad that I did this time.

[Jeff Lebowski]

Sister Lebowski and I have been married 27 years today. I can honestly say that our relationship has never been better. Decades together in the trenches of life can result in a deep bond that is beyond description and a constant source of joy and happiness. PAC's observations are right on the money.

[Surfah]

I too missed this the first time around. Wuap you finally bumped something worth revisiting!

PAC that was great. Thanks for that.

[BlueHair]

Sister Lebowski and I have been married 27 years today. I can honestly say that our relationship has never been better. Decades together in the trenches of life can result in a deep bond that is beyond description and a constant source of joy and happiness. PAC's observations are right on the money.

Congrats! You must be a lot older than I thought.

[RC Vikings]

Sister Lebowski and I have been married 27 years today. I can honestly say that our relationship has never been better. Decades together in the trenches of life can result in a deep bond that is beyond description and a constant source of joy and happiness. PAC's observations are right on the money.

Congratulations Jeff. She must be a hell of a woman to put up with you that long.

[happyone]

JL, congrats for making it that long - next week makes it 22 for Mrs HO and I

[RC Vikings]

One question I've had is by marrying young and no premarital sex how are two kids going to know if they are compatible sexually? I've had two friends get divorced and blame it on this.

[Sullyute]

Sister Lebowski and I have been married 27 years today.

You were married on Thanksgiving?!

[RC Vikings]

You were married on Thanksgiving?!

It looks like the 25th was on a Friday that year. I bet Jeff's bride is still mad at him for picking that day because she probably didn't eat on Thanksgiving because she was worried about gaining a half pound before her wedding day.