Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[UtahDan]

So what did she say? Would she rather know or not?

I didn't push her either way and she pretty quickly said that she didn't see what good it did. We talked around it a fair amount but her position was that it would do more harm than good. Interesting that the couple of women who have opine all seem to be saying that.

[Surfah]

I didn't push her either way and she pretty quickly said that she didn't see what good it did. We talked around it a fair amount but her position was that it would do more harm than good. Interesting that the couple of women who have opine all seem to be saying that.

In respect to extramarital affairs, I just don't know how anyone can keep it a secret forever. People have to know or at least suspect. You'd think it'd be just a matter of time before it got back to your spouse. I guess that is another reason for honesty with me. I'd much rather find out from a contrite spouse than through the grapevine.

[cowboy]

In respect to extramarital affairs, I just don't know how anyone can keep it a secret forever. People have to know or at least suspect. You'd think it'd be just a matter of time before it got back to your spouse. I guess that is another reason for honesty with me. I'd much rather find out from a contrite spouse than through the grapevine.

This is a pretty closely held secret. I don't think this one will get back to her, but I could be wrong.

Interestingly, my wife feels the same as Utah Dan's.

[Surfah]

This is a pretty closely held secret. I don't think this one will get back to her, but I could be wrong.

Interestingly, my wife feels the same as Utah Dan's.

Maybe not. But already he has confided in his brother, who has confided in you with whom you have shared this with your wife. And who knows who the gal in this matter has told. Interestingly, IIRC you mentioned that the girl he cheated with was a Bishop's daughter, correct? I wonder if she too has never confessed.

[FN Phat]

I didn't push her either way and she pretty quickly said that she didn't see what good it did. We talked around it a fair amount but her position was that it would do more harm than good. Interesting that the couple of women who have opine all seem to be saying that.

My wife and I had this conversation yesterday evening. She suprised the hell outta me and said that she wouldn't want to know because it would destroy the good relationship that we currently have (10 years later). I would have put money on it that she would say otherwise.

[cowboy]

Maybe not. But already he has confided in his brother, who has confided in you with whom you have shared this with your wife. And who knows who the gal in this matter has told. Interestingly, IIRC you mentioned that the girl he cheated with was a Bishop's daughter, correct? I wonder if she too has never confessed.

The bishop's daughter lives out of state. I agree that nothing is ever certain, but this one is guarded as well as a secret can be in a small town.

[PaloAltoCougar]

Interestingly, my wife feels the same as Utah Dan's.

My wife said the same thing as well. If enough time has passed so that one could reasonably conclude she's not at risk for an STD, and that there's little chance of recidivism on my part, should would regard disclosure as purely self-serving on my part and would forever alter our relationship and not for the better.

[Surfah]

My wife and I had this conversation yesterday evening. She suprised the hell outta me and said that she wouldn't want to know because it would destroy the good relationship that we currently have (10 years later). I would have put money on it that she would say otherwise.

You know the flip side to all of these people who wouldn't want to know, if they found out from anyone other than their offending spouse it'd be much worse. There would be no, "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt you" defense in that case.

I have yet to talk with this about Gidget, but unlike all the other female opinions thus far, I am pretty certain she would want to know. Gidget also has a capacity to forgive that is incomparable in my experience.

This brings up an interesting twist though to our moral dilemma. What if Cowboy's friend had a similar conversation with his spouse and his spouse told him the same as many of those here, that if there were any indiscretion she'd never want to know? The friend confesses to his Bishop, but the time passed isn't sufficient and in order to get back into good standing with the Church, his Bishop requires him to confess despite the wife's wishes to know. What do you do?

[Surfah]

The bishop's daughter lives out of state. I agree that nothing is ever certain, but this one is guarded as well as a secret can be in a small town.

There's a sense of irony in that statement as you know that nothing in small towns stays secret for long. I'm just busting your balls here.

[cougarobgon]

Maybe not. But already he has confided in his brother, who has confided in you with whom you have shared this with your wife. And who knows who the gal in this matter has told. Interestingly, IIRC you mentioned that the girl he cheated with was a Bishop's daughter, correct? I wonder if she too has never confessed.

I can pretty much gaurantee you that the number individuals of who know about the situation is larger than people think. Everyone has someone to confide in and it is in the nature of people to talk. Friends have shared things with me about other friends that were told to them in confidence. Who knows, it may have already gotten back to the wife and she has chosen to remain in the relationship.

If his long term objective is to return to full fellowship I don't think he has any other choice than to have a talk with his new bishop. I have not read all the posts, so I apologize if this has already been discussed, was a disciplinary council held after his original confession and if so, is he currently disfellowshipped or excommunicated? If disciplinary action was taken, he has no choice but to talk to the bishop to return to full fellowship. There will be a record of the proceedings including the terms of his reinstatement.

Tough predicament to be in, but, confession is the only way to set things right.

[cowboy]

There's a sense of irony in that statement as you know that nothing in small towns stays secret for long. I'm just busting your balls here.

Bust away. I knew I was leaving myself open on that one, which is why I qualified it.

[CardiacCoug]

My wife said the same thing as well. If enough time has passed so that one could reasonably conclude she's not at risk for an STD, and that there's little chance of recidivism on my part, should would regard disclosure as purely self-serving on my part and would forever alter our relationship and not for the better.

My wife said essentially the same thing.

The pragmatic thing to do is not to tell the wife. The impractical thing (with purely abstract/intangible/religious benefits) is to tell the wife.

I'm a pragmatist. The correct decision for each individual probably depends on what kind of person he is.

[ERCougar]

My wife said essentially the same thing.

The pragmatic thing to do is not to tell the wife. The impractical thing (with purely abstract/intangible/religious benefits) is to tell the wife.

I'm a pragmatist. The correct decision for each individual probably depends on what kind of person he is.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems like this is the position of all the females who have contributed. Interesting.

[RobinFinderson]

This thread is like a firework that goes off, then stops, and all of the kids run up to it to see who can be the first to kick it over when *BOOM* it starts to light up again, then stops, the kids approach and *BOOM*!

[beelzebabette]

I haven't read the whole thread, but it seems like this is the position of all the females who have contributed. Interesting.

I related the discussion to my roommate last night. She said she'd absolutely want to know and became more entrenched as I related more women joining in on the viewpoint. I was focused on laughing at her exercise video, but I remember her saying something about it not being a good decision to carry forward as a couple with incomplete information.