Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[TripletDaddy]

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

nobody is arguing this. she casts it in a false light by making it seem that lots of experts do not. she expounds by using the "world over" hyperbole. pretty transparent tactic when the argument starts breaking down...the old, "everyone who is smart thinks this way."

Are there no experts that advocate telling the wife? and if so, why are they not mentioned?

[TripletDaddy]

I didn't bring it up because I think the omission captures the "honest" approach. I brought it up because you characterizing the opposite position as advocating "lying." Consulting the dictionary, lying is a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. You're exaggerating any dissenting opinion to build yours up, and that's what I'm taking issue with.

well, this is a hypo. can you prove that the wife did not ask the husband? it is not some unreasonable stretch to claim that dishonesty and deceit are involved. you said yourself, you are splitting hairs.

My point is that there is deception taking place.

What is your main point here? defintions of the word, lie? Seems very Clintonian.

[TripletDaddy]

I'm asking exactly the stated question: are you saying the only path to restoring the lost integrity requires the wife finding out? I didn't ask if you thought it was the end destination on the path.

no. but it is part of the path. again, i dont get where you are going with it, but there is my answer.

[tooblue]

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

I also think that lots of experts would say that confession is the best path in cases like this.

The simple fact is the man has lived a lie for 10 years. His actions are not omission but commission. The desire to go back to church has forced him to come face to face with the reality of his infidelity. He will need to speak to his Bishop and I have faith that only good would come from it.

[Jeff Lebowski]

nobody is arguing this. she casts it in a false light by making it seem that lots of experts do not. she expounds by using the "world over" hyperbole. pretty transparent tactic when the argument starts breaking down...the old, "everyone who is smart thinks this way."

Are there no experts that advocate telling the wife? and if so, why are they not mentioned?

I am sure there are. In my **limited** experience, I would say that most experts would advocate not confessing old affairs.

Of course, Babs and I could be wrong with our perception of the expert opinions. And of course, the experts could be wrong. But there you go.

[RobinFinderson]

nobody is arguing this. she casts it in a false light by making it seem that lots of experts do not. she expounds by using the "world over" hyperbole. pretty transparent tactic when the argument starts breaking down...the old, "everyone who is smart thinks this way."

Are there no experts that advocate telling the wife? and if so, why are they not mentioned?

Real 'experts' are not moral guides. They will ask the individual what s/he hopes to achieve, and then give 'expert' advice on how to achieve that goal. The same 'expert,' if s/he was acting professionally, might give very different guidance to two different cheaters, depending on what the client hoped to achieve.

[TripletDaddy]

It's not shocking. But in my opinion it says more about the character of the cuckold than the cheater. A high percentage of people love themselves more than their children.

This is why there are no easy answers and why--though, as I've noted, infidelity is usually the plunging of a dagger in the heart of a marriage (even as the cheater tells himself that is not what's intended)--there are often no easy villians or heros. If you are advocating that if you find yourself in an affair maybe it's time to move out I agree totally.

I am confused. if a husband cheats and he is married to such a shrew as you describe (possibly the reason for the initial cheating), why in the world would you be advocating that he cover up his affair? To preserve a loveless marriage? It would seem that you would advocate that he tell the truth, reveal the underlying reasons for the indiscretion, and then begin the process of moving forward, be it together or apart.

Nobody said that any of these answers are easy, btw.

[creekster]

You know, this is such an intensely personal decision, on so many levels, fraught with implications for both spouses and children in this life and for eternity, if so disposed, that I fail to see how any of us can deign to prescribe the course of action that 'should' be followed.

The older I get the more I realize life just isn't that simple. I don't know what he should do, nor do I know what I would necessarily do. This is why we try to learn correct principles and think them through ahead of time. For this purpose, this discussion has been a good one. For purposes of figuring out what this particular guy shoud do, however, it is impossioble to know without being him. We only get one chance and we all have to stay in the same skin throughout; be wise, be prudent, try not to hurt others, follow what you believe, and do what you think is right.

[SeattleUte]

I am confused. if a husband cheats and he is married to such a shrew as you describe (possibly the reason for the initial cheating), why in the world would you be advocating that he cover up his affair? To preserve a loveless marriage? It would seem that you would advocate that he tell the truth, reveal the underlying reasons for the indiscretion, and then begin the process of moving forward, be it together or apart.

Nobody said that any of these answers are easy, btw.

I said previously that the most compelling case for telling is when the the cheating spouse says I'm leaving and she asks why. I've also said that usually an affair means the marriage is doomed anyway and its death should not be delayed. Even then, though, why give her more material for poisoning the kids?

[TripletDaddy]

I am sure there are. In my **limited** experience, I would say that most experts would advocate not confessing old affairs.

Of course, Babs and I could be wrong with our perception of the expert opinions. And of course, the experts could be wrong. But there you go.

ok, a far different tone that what Babes laid out, which was basically to play the wuapinmon, "I have a PhD" card (substituting PhD for "I have read some research").

Ultimately, though, the point is moot. I have never said that maintaining the illusion would be convenient. I readily agree that it would be much more inconvenient.

Do these same experts that advocate not confessing old affairs...do they also state that by keeping it concealed, the spouse is being honest and acting with integrity? that is the core issue I am discussing here. I am not disputing that keeping the secret will avoid unpleasantries.

[SeattleUte]

You know, this is such an intensely personal decision, on so many levels, fraught with implications for both spouses and children in this life and for eternity, if so disposed, that I fail to see how any of us can deign to prescribe the course of action that 'should' be followed.

The older I get the more I realize life just isn't that simple. I don't know what he should do, nor do I know what I would necessarily do. This is why we try to learn correct principles and think them through ahead of time. For this purpose, this discussion has been a good one. For purposes of figuring out what this particular guy shoud do, however, it is impossioble to know without being him. We only get one chance and we all have to stay in the same skin throughout; be wise, be prudent, try not to hurt others, follow what you believe, and do what you think is right.

I agree. 3D, take note.

[RobinFinderson]

You know, this is such an intensely personal decision, on so many levels, fraught with implications for both spouses and children in this life and for eternity, if so disposed, that I fail to see how any of us can deign to prescribe the course of action that 'should' be followed.

The older I get the more I realize life just isn't that simple. I don't know what he should do, nor do I know what I would necessarily do. This is why we try to learn correct principles and think them through ahead of time. For this purpose, this discussion has been a good one. For purposes of figuring out what this particular guy shoud do, however, it is impossioble to know without being him. We only get one chance and we all have to stay in the same skin throughout; be wise, be prudent, try not to hurt others, follow what you believe, and do what you think is right.

I don't understand how any truly believing Mormon can advocate anything different than DDD has prescribed. We are talking about the willful breach of a contract that has ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES. The wronged partner needs this information to make an informed choice about how s/he will spend the eternities.

[TripletDaddy]

You know, this is such an intensely personal decision, on so many levels, fraught with implications for both spouses and children in this life and for eternity, if so disposed, that I fail to see how any of us can deign to prescribe the course of action that 'should' be followed.

The older I get the more I realize life just isn't that simple. I don't know what he should do, nor do I know what I would necessarily do. This is why we try to learn correct principles and think them through ahead of time. For this purpose, this discussion has been a good one. For purposes of figuring out what this particular guy shoud do, however, it is impossioble to know without being him. We only get one chance and we all have to stay in the same skin throughout; be wise, be prudent, try not to hurt others, follow what you believe, and do what you think is right.

I think people are sharing opinions because that is the purpose of the thread. I am not sure cowbow was necessarily looking for "cowboy, nobody really knows what should be done." Although he may have. In which case, you are correct. Ultimately, it is up to the individual.

[TripletDaddy]

I agree. 3D, take note.

I also agree. SU take note.

You were lucky creekster bailed you out. You left yourself wide open on a few very huge issues in this thread and no-so-subtly ducked them. No worries, amigo. Detente.

[CardiacCoug]

You know, this is such an intensely personal decision, on so many levels, fraught with implications for both spouses and children in this life and for eternity, if so disposed, that I fail to see how any of us can deign to prescribe the course of action that 'should' be followed.

The older I get the more I realize life just isn't that simple. I don't know what he should do, nor do I know what I would necessarily do. This is why we try to learn correct principles and think them through ahead of time. For this purpose, this discussion has been a good one. For purposes of figuring out what this particular guy shoud do, however, it is impossioble to know without being him. We only get one chance and we all have to stay in the same skin throughout; be wise, be prudent, try not to hurt others, follow what you believe, and do what you think is right.

Way too much humility and common sense there, buddy.