Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[TripletDaddy]

I realize this is probably splitting hairs. The wife didn't ask him if he'd been faithful from their vows forward. We're talking about omission.

Sounds like you've both paddled out to your island unnecessarily.

Have an affair. As long as the wife doesn't ask about it, you aren't really lying. Solid. The old omission/commission approach.

[beelzebabette]

This is one of the inconvenient things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to lie. Much easier that way.

Or... This is one of the distressing things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to protect those he loves. Much more compassionate that way.

I don't understand why you're convinced your opinion is the only correct one here.

[TripletDaddy]

To be sure I understand your position, are you saying the only path to restoring the lost integrity requires the wife finding out? If that's so, then every decision from point A (the act) to point B (telling the wife) is w/o integrity, and I don't agree that's the case. Sure, guilt may be a factor in his subsequent ten years of fidelity, but an effort to restore his integrity may come into play as well.

I do not understand what you are asking here.

I don't even think that telling the truth "restores" the integrity. The 10 years of faithfulness is equally as important to helping restore things. There are many moving pieces to the issue. You can't restore integrity by admitting your affair, anymore than you can regain trust by confessing the affair to your wife. It takes time to rebuild.

[SeattleUte]

No. I do think it is likely that the kids will eventually find out (from the mom) and then they will ask their dad about it. That seems to be a pretty natural consequence, isn't it? And when they do find out, they will most likely be mad at their dad.

This is one of the inconvenient things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to lie. Much easier that way.

Why is this the kids' businsess? This is what professionals call enmenshment. The parent can't separate his or her own interests from that of the children. I think a spouse that is so undisciplined and selfish is a good reason not to tell.

[Babs]

This one was an especially nice touch. As though that is the only stance advocated by professionals "the world over." Oh, brother.

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

[TripletDaddy]

Or... This is one of the distressing things that happen and I can see why many of you would prefer that the guy just continue to protect those he loves. Much more compassionate that way.

I don't understand why you're convinced your opinion is the only correct one here.

There is no correct/incorrect here. That is your word, not mine. There are different approaches, however.

I have already stated that lying is definitely the more convenient approach.

[tooblue]

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

I'd like to see your research.

[TripletDaddy]

Why is this the kids' businsess? This is what professionals call enmenshment. The parent can't separate his or her own interests from that of the children. I think a spouse that is so undisciplined and selfish is a good reason not to tell.

or a good reason to not be married to that person any longer. in which case, tell them the truth and move on.

I am not sure why the kids need to know. I am just observing that the kids always find out. Do you dispute this? In the cases of infidelity, the kids often find out? What is so shocking about that statement?

[RobinFinderson]

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

And me. I'm all for honesty.

[TripletDaddy]

as opposed to your stance, which is advocated by....you?

getting personal, I see.

As I stated, the "cover up the lie with another lie" stance withstands little scrutiny, which explains why you resort to this junk.

[beelzebabette]

Have an affair. As long as the wife doesn't ask about it, you aren't really lying. Solid. The old omission/commission approach.

I didn't bring it up because I think the omission captures the "honest" approach. I brought it up because you characterizing the opposite position as advocating "lying." Consulting the dictionary, lying is a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood. You're exaggerating any dissenting opinion to build yours up, and that's what I'm taking issue with.

[Jeff Lebowski]

I'd like to see your research.

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

[SeattleUte]

or a good reason to not be married to that person any longer. in which case, tell them the truth and move on.

I am not sure why the kids need to know. I am just observing that the kids always find out. Do you dispute this? In the cases of infidelity, the kids often find out? What is so shocking about that statement?

It's not shocking. But in my opinion it says more about the character of the cuckold than the cheater. A high percentage of people love themselves more than their children.

This is why there are no easy answers and why--though, as I've noted, infidelity is usually the plunging of a dagger in the heart of a marriage (even as the cheater tells himself that is not what's intended)--there are often no easy villians or heros. If you are advocating that if you find yourself in an affair maybe it's time to move out I agree totally.

[RobinFinderson]

Whether or not you agree with it, Babs is correct. Lots of experts say that confession is not the best path in cases like this.

It is a values judgment. If you value honesty and integrity above convenience, there is no choice. The cheater must confess. If you value comfort and happiness above honesty and integrity, dishonesty might be the better choice.

I'm with DDD. I value honesty over convenience and comfort.

[beelzebabette]

I do not understand what you are asking here.

I don't even think that telling the truth "restores" the integrity. The 10 years of faithfulness is equally as important to helping restore things. There are many moving pieces to the issue. You can't restore integrity by admitting your affair, anymore than you can regain trust by confessing the affair to your wife. It takes time to rebuild.

I'm asking exactly the stated question: are you saying the only path to restoring the lost integrity requires the wife finding out? I didn't ask if you thought it was the end destination on the path.