Honesty and Tact

[The_Tick]

Just some thoughts that have been running through my mind.

I am in a good spot at Church right now. I really enjoy having a calling with my wife. I enjoy the calling itself. I don't read a ton of scriptures and I don't enjoy going to the temple. I enjoy Home Teachign. I enjoy Sacrament meeting and teaching our SS class. I abhor EQ and would rather go a round with Mike Tyson than attend.

When pushed though, how honest should we be with people?

I will say that I am much more honest the older I have gotten. I credit my wife for that. But when to draw the line...

I have found it to be quite invigorating since I have learned the word "No". When you tell people at Church "No", the look that they have on their face is one of shock. It is like it is the first time they have ever heard that word uttered in a Church building. The first time I said it it was like "The invention of Lying". No one knew what to do.

I have since found it to be quite empowering. But some folks just don't like it.

Here is the most recent example:

Bro. Jones is the new Scout Master. We have a Yard Sale once a year that raises money for Girls Camp and Scout Camp. Youth have to participate to be able to use any of the funds raised for your camp acct.

Three weeks ago during opening exercises Bro. Jones announces that someone had a Grandmother pass away and they were going to donate all of her furniture to our Yard Sale. The only requirements were that the stuff needed to be picked up on Monday Night at 730. Once the stuff was picked up, you were going to need to store whatever you were able to put in your vehicle at your house until it was time for the sale. (Mid April) End of announcement.

During EQ he pulls me aside and asks me if I was going to participate. I tolde him "No." He was dumbfounded. He said "If you don't participate, your daughter wont receive any of the funds." I said "That is alright. I would rather pay 150.00 than take the time or store the furniture." Again...look of shock.

So it got me to thinking...is it better to find a way to be tactful and leave both parties happy (What we at my house call "Mormon nice"), or better to just tell the truth and let folks deal with it. If they have an issue with it it is their issue.

What are your thoughts?

[il Padrino Ute]

Just some thoughts that have been running through my mind.

I am in a good spot at Church right now. I really enjoy having a calling with my wife. I enjoy the calling itself. I don't read a ton of scriptures and I don't enjoy going to the temple. I enjoy Home Teachign. I enjoy Sacrament meeting and teaching our SS class. I abhor EQ and would rather go a round with Mike Tyson than attend.

When pushed though, how honest should we be with people?

I will say that I am much more honest the older I have gotten. I credit my wife for that. But when to draw the line...

I have found it to be quite invigorating since I have learned the word "No". When you tell people at Church "No", the look that they have on their face is one of shock. It is like it is the first time they have ever heard that word uttered in a Church building. The first time I said it it was like "The invention of Lying". No one knew what to do.

I have since found it to be quite empowering. But some folks just don't like it.

Here is the most recent example:

Bro. Jones is the new Scout Master. We have a Yard Sale once a year that raises money for Girls Camp and Scout Camp. Youth have to participate to be able to use any of the funds raised for your camp acct.

Three weeks ago during opening exercises Bro. Jones announces that someone had a Grandmother pass away and they were going to donate all of her furniture to our Yard Sale. The only requirements were that the stuff needed to be picked up on Monday Night at 730. Once the stuff was picked up, you were going to need to store whatever you were able to put in your vehicle at your house until it was time for the sale. (Mid April) End of announcement.

During EQ he pulls me aside and asks me if I was going to participate. I tolde him "No." He was dumbfounded. He said "If you don't participate, your daughter wont receive any of the funds." I said "That is alright. I would rather pay 150.00 than take the time or store the furniture." Again...look of shock.

So it got me to thinking...is it better to find a way to be tactful and leave both parties happy (What we at my house call "Mormon nice"), or better to just tell the truth and let folks deal with it. If they have an issue with it it is their issue.

What are your thoughts?

I think it's always best to be up front with people and let them decide how they want to react. Honesty can be brutal at times, but folks will always know that they'll get a straight answer from you.

[Katy Lied]

I've posted about our enrichment night where we were taught how to say "No." All the attendees were sisters who shoulder most of the burdens in the ward.

"I'm sorry that doesn't work for me."

Iit's the gentlest "no" I've ever heard, but still authoritative so that the asking person doesnt come back for round 2.

[creekster]

Honesty and tact are not mutually exclusive. One can have both in abundance.

[The Fourth Nephite]

A few months ago I quit a calling that had made me miserable for 3 years. I regret I didn't do it after 6 months. It was so liberating. So much of my stress is gone and I'm sleeping a million times better.

My new calling is OK and if I don't want to do something, I don't and I couldn't care less.

[Babs]

Honesty and tact are not mutually exclusive. One can have both in abundance.

And yet they are not a perfect intersection, either. I assume that Tick as asking about the cases in which one precludes the other.

[creekster]

And yet they are not a perfect intersection, either. I assume that Tick as asking about the cases in which one precludes the other.

Those instances are very rare. I cant think of one off hand that would be at shurch. Moreover, I am nto sure I accept your premise. Being tactful does nto necessariyl imply pain free anymore than being honest implies being painful.

[clackamascoug]

I don't imagine there are many people on here that have a problem saying no.

One of the good things about living in the same ward for a long time is that everyone knows your MO. We don't go to ward social activities, and we don't do the ward/stake temple night. These two things put us in the "iffy" category that keeps us from being abused by the inner circle.

[RC Vikings]

Are their any active members on here who have said "NO" to home teaching or having home teachers come over? I just wonder how that went for them.

[wuapinmon]

I think this thread is dying because many CUFfers are unfamiliar with the latter topic.

[Moliere]

I think it's always best to be up front with people and let them decide how they want to react. Honesty can be brutal at times, but folks will always know that they'll get a straight answer from you.

I have one calling that requires me to somewhat constantly find volunteers and I don't mind if people tell me know when I ask for help. I do have a problem with it if they never help (constantly say no and offer no alternatives to helping), yet their children benefit from the program.

However, the most annoying thing is when people say "yes" and they don't mean it. I'd much rather have someone be upfront and say "no I don't want to" than have someone say "yes" and never do it.

[Mrs. Funk]

I think it's well to temper honesty with tact. It's perfectly acceptable to say "no" and to tell people what you think, but it's best to still be charitable and to show kindness to people.

[LA Ute]

Honesty and tact are not mutually exclusive. One can have both in abundance.

To have and employ both appropriately is an art. Like most such things, some people are naturally good at that balance and some are not. But everyone can learn.

And, since I am a huge Neal Maxwell fan, I'll link to his classic talk on meekness, which is really what we are talking about in this thread. Saith NAM:

Meekness, however, is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control.

It is a great talk, one which I haved referred to many times over the years, and I wish I could make the principles he discusses more a part of me.

[Sleeping in EQ]

Being honest does not necessarily mean being clear. Sometimes, ambiguity allows you to be true to a more important virtue.

[jay santos]

Honesty and tact are lesser virtues. They won't keep you out of the celestial kingdom like sexual purity will. (please detect the sarcasm)