Sometimes I am Glad that I am a Man

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  • Clark Addison
    Senior Member
    • Nov 2008
    • 10302

    #1

    Sometimes I am Glad that I am a Man

    It is true that, as a man, I have a lot more meetings than I would like, but, in planning these meetings, very seldom do I hear someone say, "Let's have a dramatic reading". This week our ward's women are having a birthday party for "The Society". Today, my wife was asked to take part in a dramatic reading, playing the part of Sariah, wife of Lehi (I imagine that every named woman in scriptures has a part in this; I look forward to hearing about Abish's reading).

    Not being entirely familiar with copyright laws, I will reproduce just a small portion of her assigned reading here.

    Sand. Dry crusted earth. Lifeless wilderness and sand, everywhere. If it is not the scorching sun glaring off the sand, then it is the blistering winds driving the sands against us. If not the wind, why then rocky steep paths, and crying children for want of food. And when we do have food, it is seasoned with . . . with sand.

    Sometimes I sit in this place, in this land of desolation and close my eyes and envision in my memory a home. A splendid structure, spacious, modern, and filled with the comforts of Jerusalem living. And beautiful room after room of so many lovely things. . . And a kitchen! Oh, I miss that kitchen. But above all else, I miss ... the bath. I think of those clean refreshing waters soothing my tired aching body. It seems so real sometimes I reach down to splash . . . SAND!

    .. Could I leave my home, my worldly comforts, my friends and many loved ones? Could I leave it all? . . . Yes! YES! I have left it. That someday I will have much more. Much, much more. For when I think of Christ I remember the promise that . . . He prepares for me . . . a mansion. A mansion, on high
    My wife, not being thespianically inclined, is not excited about this. The RS president gave her a few suggestion: maybe dress up in a veil, or, as sand is prominantly mentioned, bring some sand and use it in the reading in some manner, but none of these ideas have really caught her imagination, so I have been attempting to come up with ideas to help her. This is what I have so far:
    • Play it as "Deranged Sariah". With each invective against sand, raise the volume until at the end she is screaming almost incoherently, then, at the end of the paragraph, she flings handfuls of sand at the audience. This one has the advantage of using the RS President's suggestion.
    • Play the entire reading completely straight, except do it with a cockney accent. Pretend nothing is odd at all.
    • Do it beatnik style. Wear black clothing and sunglasses. Sit on a stool with bongo drums between her legs, and alternate the reading with long pauses puncuated by drumming.
    • Since the author already seems to be exaggerating the comforts of 600 BC Jerusalem, embellish it a little more. Instead of just talking about missing her kitchen and bath, say "Oh, I miss that kitchen. It was only a month before we left that Laman and Sam had installed the high-intensity burners and granite counter tops. But above all else, I miss... the bath. I think of those clean refreshing waters, the 12 massaging jets, and the padded lumbar support soothing my tired aching body."

    Unfortunately, she is not entirely happy with my suggestions, so if you have anything else, I would be happy to hear it.
  • il Padrino Ute
    Junior Member
    • Nov 2008
    • 19161

    #2
    I have two suggestions:

    1. Go to the gathering but refuse to participate without telling anyone in advance that she refuses to participate. When it's her turn to read, all she has to do is sit there. Awkward silence can be very entertaining.

    2. Don't go to the gathering.
    "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy; its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill


    "I only know what I hear on the news." - Dear Leader

    Comment

    • SoCalCoug
      Ragnar Lodbrok Descendant
      • Nov 2008
      • 5214

      #3
      Sorry, but that's crap. It didn't help that I imagined it being voiced in my head by some over-dramatic thespian wannabe.

      She should do it in a Charlton Heston voice. And throw in there, "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty ape!"
      If we disagree on something, it's because you're wrong.

      "Somebody needs to kill my trial attorney." — Last words of George Harris, executed in Missouri on Sept. 13, 2000.

      "Nothing is too good to be true, nothing is too good to last, nothing is too wonderful to happen." - Florence Scoville Shinn

      Comment

      • creekster
        It is NOT a monkey!
        • Nov 2008
        • 22661

        #4
        Originally posted by SoCalCoug View Post
        Sorry, but that's crap. It didn't help that I imagined it being voiced in my head by some over-dramatic thespian wannabe.

        She should do it in a Charlton Heston voice. And throw in there, "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty ape!"
        hey now, no need to go all speciesest here.
        PLesa excuse the tpyos.

        Comment

        • clackamascoug
          Banned
          • Dec 2009
          • 9709

          #5
          My question is: "What do you wish you were, in those times when you mostly don't want to be a man?"

          (Honey, do these pink pumps make my ankles look too fat?)

          Comment

          • scottie
            Junior Member
            • Nov 2008
            • 5247

            #6
            #1 benefit of being a man: orgasm every time.

            Comment

            • Indy Coug
              Heartless Bastard
              • Dec 2008
              • 18747

              #7
              After nearly 20 years of listening to my wife discuss the struggles of maintaining harmony in auxiliary presidencies and worrying about how a simple greeting could be misconstrued into years of resentment, I'm glad I'm a man. There's just so much less drama in my church world.
              Everything in life is an approximation.

              http://twitter.com/CougarStats

              Comment

              • Jarid in Cedar
                CS Institutional Memory
                • Jun 2009
                • 13234

                #8
                Originally posted by scottie View Post
                #1 benefit of being a man: orgasm every time.
                "The first thing I learned upon becoming a head coach after fifteen years as an assistant was the enormous difference between making a suggestion and making a decision."

                "They talk about the economy this year. Hey, my hairline is in recession, my waistline is in inflation. Altogether, I'm in a depression."

                "I like to bike. I could beat Lance Armstrong, only because he couldn't pass me if he was behind me."

                -Rick Majerus

                Comment

                • RC Vikings
                  Known Heterosexual
                  • Nov 2008
                  • 8789

                  #9
                  I'm glad I'm a man every time I take a pee by a tree on a golf course.

                  Comment

                  • ewth8tr
                    Reverend of Irreverence
                    • Nov 2008
                    • 2347

                    #10
                    Originally posted by il Padrino Ute View Post
                    2. Don't go to the gathering.
                    This one has my vote.
                    "I don't mind giving the church 10% of my earnings, but 50% of my weekend mornings? Not as long as DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket is around." - Daniel Tosh

                    Comment

                    • Blueintheface
                      Senior Member
                      • Sep 2009
                      • 15382

                      #11
                      Originally posted by scottie View Post
                      #1 benefit of being a man: orgasm every time.
                      I faked it once. I was tired and it was enough and I just wanted to get some sleep.
                      "Either evolution or intelligent design can account for the athlete, but neither can account for the sports fan." - Robert Brault

                      "Once I seen the trades go down and the other guys signed elsewhere," he said, "I knew it was my time now." - Derrick Favors

                      Comment

                      • scottie
                        Junior Member
                        • Nov 2008
                        • 5247

                        #12
                        Originally posted by RC Vikings View Post
                        I'm glad I'm a man every time I take a pee by a tree on a golf course.
                        And not having to sit on a public toilet just to take a leak.

                        Comment

                        • byu71
                          Senior Member
                          • Nov 2008
                          • 22070

                          #13
                          Sometimes????????????????????????????????????????? ??????????????????

                          Comment

                          • DU Ute
                            RIP CUF
                            • Dec 2008
                            • 7393

                            #14
                            Originally posted by scottie View Post
                            #1 benefit of being a man: orgasm every time.
                            This also happens to be the #1 advantage of being married to DU Ute
                            "In conclusion, let me give a shout-out to dirty sex. What a great thing it is" - Northwestcoug
                            "And you people wonder why you've had extermination orders issued against you." - landpoke
                            "Can't . . . let . . . foolish statements . . . by . . . BYU fans . . . go . . . unanswered . . . ." - LA Ute

                            Comment

                            • wuapinmon
                              Soul Plumber
                              • Dec 2008
                              • 30711

                              #15
                              I think this kind of activity will certainly appeal to some people, but not everyone. The arts should be encouraged.
                              "Wuap's "problem" is that he is smart & principled & committed to a moral course of action. His actions are supposed to reflect his ethical code.
                              The rest of us rarely bother to think about our actions." --Solon

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