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If the church is true, I am seriously effed, but I just wanted to warn everyone now that I won't go down easy. First I will find myself at the back of a LOOOOOoooong line, and I won't be able to see up to the front. Everyone will be asking, "What is this? Where are we going?" But not me... I will be looking for the tell-tale signs of Mormonism, to see if I'm effed. Are the angels slipping each other funky handshakes? Do they have wings? Are there no longer black people, but now only people with black features and white skin? Are the obviously gay dudes now checking out spirit chicks?
So I will be taking mental notes, and the line will get shorter as we approach what I will call, for lack of a better word, 'the pearly gates,' but I won't jump the queue until I am forced to walk past Joseph Smith's smug face on my way to meet Jesus. That is when I will know for sure that I am totally effed, and that will be the beginning of my going ape shit. Oh yes, fellow CUFfers, I'm going to go ape shit before my judgment day. First I will lunge for Joseph's throat. When Gabriel tries to pull me off the prophet, I will try to kick him in the balls. I'm telling you now folks, if the church is true, and I'm about to go to hell for a life of masturbation, I'll be punching and screaming all the way.
Of course the next stop won't be Celestial, Telestial or Terrestrial, because that won't happen until I've spent a spell in Spirit Prison. A person's position in SP is determined by their tractability. The good Mormons will be teaching Mormonism, the teachable folks will be let loose among the Mormons, and then folks like me will be conveniently moved to Spirit Gitmo, and that is where I will begin to organize my revolt. Yes, fellow CUFfers, there will be another war in heaven, and I will help organize the revolution from Spirit Prison. Some wicked mo fo's can plan some serious shit in a few thousand years.
By the time Christ's minions come to drag us before the final tribunal, we will be an elite fighting force, specializing in spiritual Krav Maga (what can I say? There are going to be a lot of Jews in hell). We'll pretend to be going easy, and when the elderly temple matron and her doting husband let down their guard, we will get medieval on their asses. Of course those thousands of years of combat preparation will probably be met by the elderly couple's Yoda moves (Revenge of the Sith Yoda, not Empire Strike's Back Yoda), because apparently folks on the other side draw strength from their righteous exercise of priesthood authority.
Of course all of that combat and throat lunging may be entirely symbolic, because if we haven't received our resurrected bodies yet, our fists will be passing right through the faces of our enemies. However once we get our physical bodies back, things are going to get really nasty. And by nasty, I don't mean spilling a lot of spirit fluid (the stuff in immortal bodies that replaces blood). By this point we will have realized that combat is hopeless, and we will turn away from fighting Christ and his minions and start a massive orgy.
So there we will be, at the final judgment, with me and my friends in a massive heap of nekid sexiness, when God Almighty will summon me for my own individual final shakedown. This is when I will pull myself off of the pile and defend myself a la Scopes "Monkey" Trial. I will be so persuasive that God will regret putting me on the stand, and will wish that I had qualified for a direct ticket to Outer Darkness. Just as Satan was able to lure away one third of the hosts of heaven to give up their mortal inheritance, I will convince one third of the Almighty's angel guards to give up righteousness for rightness. Our party will have grown significantly before we are thrust down to hell, where the festivities and orgy will continue unabated.
Now according to Mormon cosmology, the Telestial Kingdom will be a place where God never visits, but there may still be some form of communication with lesser Celestial beings. Because it is one of God's Kingdoms, it will still be a glorious place. In fact I have heard Mormons surmise that it would be so perfect that mortals would kill themselves in order to hasten their arrival at such an unimaginably wonderful place. In this sense the Telestial Kingdom will be a lot like California, and my ability to communicate with Celestial beings will not be unlike my ability to post on Cougar Ute Forum.
Because Mormons believe that mortal existence is a preparatory state for existence in the eternities, the activities that other CUFfers engaged in life will most likely determine their Celestial assignments. I have no doubt that some of our more prominent posters will find themselves enlisted in a spiritual 'online' discussion that will last the eternities, for truly, the things that you do in this life are types and shadows of those things that will come. The CK itself will be like the Speak Easy, and Rosebud will be kind of pissed that she has to be a part of it, but it will be worth it, because from her lofty perch she will be able to tell me, once and for all, that she was right about porn. After two billion years of suffering in hell, All American will still be wondering why people like me and SU can leave the church, but can never truly leave it alone. But in the final analysis, the apostates will have the last laugh, because only in Hell will we be able to start a football game without knowing the final score before the first kickoff. Suck on that!
So I will be taking mental notes, and the line will get shorter as we approach what I will call, for lack of a better word, 'the pearly gates,' but I won't jump the queue until I am forced to walk past Joseph Smith's smug face on my way to meet Jesus. That is when I will know for sure that I am totally effed, and that will be the beginning of my going ape shit. Oh yes, fellow CUFfers, I'm going to go ape shit before my judgment day. First I will lunge for Joseph's throat. When Gabriel tries to pull me off the prophet, I will try to kick him in the balls. I'm telling you now folks, if the church is true, and I'm about to go to hell for a life of masturbation, I'll be punching and screaming all the way.
Of course the next stop won't be Celestial, Telestial or Terrestrial, because that won't happen until I've spent a spell in Spirit Prison. A person's position in SP is determined by their tractability. The good Mormons will be teaching Mormonism, the teachable folks will be let loose among the Mormons, and then folks like me will be conveniently moved to Spirit Gitmo, and that is where I will begin to organize my revolt. Yes, fellow CUFfers, there will be another war in heaven, and I will help organize the revolution from Spirit Prison. Some wicked mo fo's can plan some serious shit in a few thousand years.
By the time Christ's minions come to drag us before the final tribunal, we will be an elite fighting force, specializing in spiritual Krav Maga (what can I say? There are going to be a lot of Jews in hell). We'll pretend to be going easy, and when the elderly temple matron and her doting husband let down their guard, we will get medieval on their asses. Of course those thousands of years of combat preparation will probably be met by the elderly couple's Yoda moves (Revenge of the Sith Yoda, not Empire Strike's Back Yoda), because apparently folks on the other side draw strength from their righteous exercise of priesthood authority.
Of course all of that combat and throat lunging may be entirely symbolic, because if we haven't received our resurrected bodies yet, our fists will be passing right through the faces of our enemies. However once we get our physical bodies back, things are going to get really nasty. And by nasty, I don't mean spilling a lot of spirit fluid (the stuff in immortal bodies that replaces blood). By this point we will have realized that combat is hopeless, and we will turn away from fighting Christ and his minions and start a massive orgy.
So there we will be, at the final judgment, with me and my friends in a massive heap of nekid sexiness, when God Almighty will summon me for my own individual final shakedown. This is when I will pull myself off of the pile and defend myself a la Scopes "Monkey" Trial. I will be so persuasive that God will regret putting me on the stand, and will wish that I had qualified for a direct ticket to Outer Darkness. Just as Satan was able to lure away one third of the hosts of heaven to give up their mortal inheritance, I will convince one third of the Almighty's angel guards to give up righteousness for rightness. Our party will have grown significantly before we are thrust down to hell, where the festivities and orgy will continue unabated.
Now according to Mormon cosmology, the Telestial Kingdom will be a place where God never visits, but there may still be some form of communication with lesser Celestial beings. Because it is one of God's Kingdoms, it will still be a glorious place. In fact I have heard Mormons surmise that it would be so perfect that mortals would kill themselves in order to hasten their arrival at such an unimaginably wonderful place. In this sense the Telestial Kingdom will be a lot like California, and my ability to communicate with Celestial beings will not be unlike my ability to post on Cougar Ute Forum.
Because Mormons believe that mortal existence is a preparatory state for existence in the eternities, the activities that other CUFfers engaged in life will most likely determine their Celestial assignments. I have no doubt that some of our more prominent posters will find themselves enlisted in a spiritual 'online' discussion that will last the eternities, for truly, the things that you do in this life are types and shadows of those things that will come. The CK itself will be like the Speak Easy, and Rosebud will be kind of pissed that she has to be a part of it, but it will be worth it, because from her lofty perch she will be able to tell me, once and for all, that she was right about porn. After two billion years of suffering in hell, All American will still be wondering why people like me and SU can leave the church, but can never truly leave it alone. But in the final analysis, the apostates will have the last laugh, because only in Hell will we be able to start a football game without knowing the final score before the first kickoff. Suck on that!
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