Eliminating feelings towards a person

[wuapinmon]

Look, if I have no desire to act on my feelings, do I need to get over the person the feelings are for?

It's weird to me that I'm weird on this. No one else has feelings they cannot entirely erase?

There are some people that I hate so badly for things they've done that no amount of time seems to make me hate them less. The young man who tried to get me to fellate him when I was 6 and he was 13 enrages a wrath in me to this very day that makes me want to slowly and methodically sever pieces of his body from their proper place and then show them to him. Luckily, he was unsuccessful in his attempt to molest me, but the terror I felt as I ran to a neighbor's house and banged on their door screaming and crying is not something easily forgotten. So, I know of hatred that doesn't die.

But, as for love, 'feelings' as it were, I don't feel anything for people I used to think I loved. If I did, that'd be very difficult to cope with, especially in moments of despair or weakness that present themselves in any relationship.

[Indy Coug]

First and foremost, if you don't believe you can alter feelings that you believe are inappropriate, you are denying the power of the Atonement.

I have personally experienced a complete change of feelings towards several people, and that change came from within, not because of things these people did.

[Pelado]

First and foremost, if you don't believe you can alter feelings that you believe are inappropriate, you are denying the power of the Atonement.

I have personally experienced a complete change of feelings towards several people, and that change came from within, not because of things these people did.

From hatred to pity? From pity to love? From love to disdain? From disdain to hatred?

[old_gregg]

How do you erase feelings? How do you create feelings? Why do you feel? I find that life can be perfectly pleasant absent these "feelings."

nicely done

[Indy Coug]

From hatred to pity? From pity to love? From love to disdain? From disdain to hatred?

My feelings towards you just changed right now. Where do you live again?

[Bo Diddley]

First and foremost, if you don't believe you can alter feelings that you believe are inappropriate, you are denying the power of the Atonement.

I have personally experienced a complete change of feelings towards several people, and that change came from within, not because of things these people did.

Before I got to this post, this is exactly what I was going to post. I too can verify the power of the Atonement here.

[Pelado]

My feelings towards you just changed right now. Where do you live again?

I'm not sure I want to release that information in light of your recent change. Let's just say I'm north of Mexico and south of Canada.

[Drunk Tank]

Just turn the feelings to hate. Then one day you'll wake up and wonder why you hate that person and then you'll just let it go and all will be well.

[Sullyute]

First and foremost, if you don't believe you can alter feelings that you believe are inappropriate, you are denying the power of the atonement.

Does this go for gay mormons who have tried everything to alter their feelings or attraction to their same gender but to no avail?

[SandYFan]

Does this go for gay mormons who have tried everything to alter their feelings or attraction to their same gender but to no avail?

Now THAT is how you hijack a thread.

[Katy Lied]

Not sure if this is related or the place, but recently I have heard stories from some divorcing couples. In both cases the woman said, "I never loved you". This is so blatantly a lie. So disingenuous. I can see that they say these things to hurt their soon to be former spouse, but why even try and pass it off as truth. I just don't get it.

I wonder why women say that. I think it is to avoid the cognitive dissonance that comes with the divorce. Yadda yadda so many LDS women are raised with the expectation that they will marry their prince in shining armor, someone designated for them in the pre-existence and it will be beautiful and a marriage made in heaven... yadda yadda.

Then when confronted with a fallible human being, it is much easier to decide that you were wrong all along, and this was not "THE ONE" for you. "THE ONE" is out there, and he's waiting for you to rectify this mistake (your current marriage and kids) and find him, your one true love. To these women, "I never loved you" really means that you are not THE ONE, and it is noble and good for me to keep searching to find my true love. Who is not you.

[Mrs. Funk]

I wonder why women say that. I think it is to avoid the cognitive dissonance that comes with the divorce. Yadda yadda so many LDS women are raised with the expectation that they will marry their prince in shining armor, someone designated for them in the pre-existence and it will be beautiful and a marriage made in heaven... yadda yadda.

Then when confronted with a fallible human being, it is much easier to decide that you were wrong all along, and this was not "THE ONE" for you. "THE ONE" is out there, and he's waiting for you to rectify this mistake (your current marriage and kids) and find him, your one true love. To these women, "I never loved you" really means that you are not THE ONE, and it is noble and good for me to keep searching to find my true love. Who is not you.

I think you nailed it.

[Paperback Writer]

I wonder why women say that. I think it is to avoid the cognitive dissonance that comes with the divorce. Yadda yadda so many LDS women are raised with the expectation that they will marry their prince in shining armor, someone designated for them in the pre-existence and it will be beautiful and a marriage made in heaven... yadda yadda.

Then when confronted with a fallible human being, it is much easier to decide that you were wrong all along, and this was not "THE ONE" for you. "THE ONE" is out there, and he's waiting for you to rectify this mistake (your current marriage and kids) and find him, your one true love. To these women, "I never loved you" really means that you are not THE ONE, and it is noble and good for me to keep searching to find my true love. Who is not you.

Excellent post. I wonder if both genders follow that "train of thought"? In other words, she wasn't "THE ONE"....

Eternal matchmaking would be so much easier if the veil were removed just enough so that one was sure that someone was "THE ONE" designated for them in the pre-existence. Absent that, a Harry Potter sorting hat would certainly help...

Also, in some (many?) instances, its not just LDS YW (or YM) being raised that there is someone designated for them in the pre-existence. Many patriarchal blessings state as much. The harsh reality is that maybe they did marry "THE ONE"; someone as flawed and inperfect as themself.

[clackamascoug]

I wonder why women say that. I think it is to avoid the cognitive dissonance that comes with the divorce. Yadda yadda so many LDS women are raised with the expectation that they will marry their prince in shining armor, someone designated for them in the pre-existence and it will be beautiful and a marriage made in heaven... yadda yadda.

Then when confronted with a fallible human being, it is much easier to decide that you were wrong all along, and this was not "THE ONE" for you. "THE ONE" is out there, and he's waiting for you to rectify this mistake (your current marriage and kids) and find him, your one true love. To these women, "I never loved you" really means that you are not THE ONE, and it is noble and good for me to keep searching to find my true love. Who is not you.

Katy, this is among the most insightful things I've ever read on line.

[statman]

Time erases them.

I agree that you can have feelings you can't necessarily control - but you can control entertaining those feelings.

I had a gf all through high school who started at BYU the same time I did, who was "waiting for me" when I went on my mission. I left BYU in Dec 1984, got home from my mission in March 1987, and in those 27 months, she found a new dude, got engaged, married and had a child. I thought little of her after getting DJed a month out of the MTC. And I had virtually no conscious thought about her in the 26.5 years since. But she'd occasionally make an appearance in my dreams. It would freak me out when it happened - I felt unfaithful even though they weren't those kinds of dreams. So at some level, I agree there's nothing you can do about feelings. But they did diminish in frequency until I hadn't had a thought about her conscious or unconscious for probably a decade - and then earlier this year she sent me a friend request. I deleted it and haven't thought twice about it - until now. Thanks for that. If I didn't live in the next county over, I might have at least accepted her friend request. But probably not...

I did do a quick look of her facebook page and on some of her sibling's blogs. It seems that my life in the intervening years has been a lot happier than hers: Marriage.
Kid.
Divorce.
Left the Church.
Out of wedlock kid.
Marriage.
Divorce.
Four grandchildren with no married children.
Kind of come back to the church.
Marriage.
Trolling long-term ex-boyfriends on Facebook.
...

Success is the sweetest revenge - and a bit of Schadenfreude never hurts either...