FJM guest-edits Deadspin today

[BoylenOver]

Deadspin

Mitchell P Funk, the floor is yours.

[MartyFunkhouser]

Best baseball news of the year.

Taking on one of the favorite targets, Murray Chass. Please do something with Bill Plaschke, please.

http://deadspin.com/5360406/remember...e-hall-of-fame

[MartyFunkhouser]

These guys still have it

"You know what you're saying, random dude who wrote a very minor Internet-only baseball article that never thought he would get trashed and over-analyzed for little to no reason? You're saying that they look like they're giving it their all. And you know why they look that way? Because they're bad, and it literally takes them the maximum physical effort to accomplish basic baseball tasks like throwing the ball from short to first. When David Eckstein throws the ball to first base, he has to wind up like a shot-putter, spin around forty-three times, and launch it at an angle 89 degrees from the horizontal. Afterwards, he undergoes an IV drip for a fortnight and he's so out of breath that he requires several months of acupuncture to regain the power of speech. For this we laud him."

[MartyFunkhouser]

"No, the true number one on this list is David Eckstein. Let me tell you a story about David Eckstein. One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Eckstein. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to David Eckstein, "You promised me, Eckstein, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I noticed that during the most trying periods of my life, there have only been one set of prints in the sand. Why, when I have needed you most, have you not been there for me?" David Eckstein replied, "Because my little legs had gotten tired, and you were carrying me." And I looked down and saw that I was still carrying David Eckstein.

Then he grounded out weakly to second."

[BoylenOver]

It's that time of year again!

http://deadspin.com/5644053/welcome-strident-nerds

[MartyFunkhouser]

I was hoping this became a yearly occurrence. It is nice to see that occasionally get a taste of the greatest sports writing criticism blog of all time.

[MartyFunkhouser]

This is now a guy who supports horses over cars arguing against a fictional guy who supports burros over horses. I'm seriously considering dropping out of Hot Stove U. The only other dude here in class is Chris Berman, and he keeps calling me Junior from Fire "Cup o'" Joe Morgan and then laughing for like 45 seconds before yelling something incoherent about Mike Alstott. What's that, Chris? Yes, thanks, I did know that nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. Sorry, what was that? Yes, "Well-Dressed" Amani Toomer. Very good.

I always support a shot at Chris Berman.

[MartyFunkhouser]

The point is, I don't really think Mitch Albom gives a shit how many people are playing fantasy baseball. I think he's writing a faux-populist rant aimed at curmudgeonly 72-year-old people who read Parade magazine and think computers are evil machines that are trying to steal their medicine, because he, Albom, thinks there might be some grandpas out there who have not yet read Five People You Meet in Heaven (there are not) and wants them to put down their Parade magazines and pick up their day-by-day vitamin trays and say, "You know sum'im? That boy understands American values!"

Berman and now Albom. I really hope they do a Plaschke article or a HatGuy article.

[MartyFunkhouser]

The little player that could, David Eckstein.

I am something of a connoisseur of David Eckstein hyperbole, and I can say quite confidently that this is some grade-A hydroponic shit. "Ultimate little guy with a big heart," "winning influence" and "dirt-stained uniform" are all par for the course — kind of hacky, actually. But "if there is no room in baseball for someone like David Eckstein, baseball will lose a piece of its soul" — man. That is gorgeous. That is a shimmering rainbow of poopguage, which is a substance you get when you combine language with poop.