The "Simmons sucks" thread

[JohnnyLingo]

I'm going to dedicate this thread to all the stuff Simmons writes/says that will cause mpfunk to say "Simmons sucks, Klosterman is God."

Here's one from his column today:

To the Clippers, who have qualified for "It's all happening!" status a few times over the past few decades, only this time, it might stick. If you didn't notice, they turned Zach Randolph into Blake Griffin and three quality bench guys (including Mark Madsen, the first towel-waving chemistry guy they've had since ... since ... since ... I mean, have they ever had a towel-waving chemistry guy?). Now they have a killer under-22 foundation (Griffin and Eric Gordon, headed for a leap in Year 2), a fun team for this season (especially if Baron Davis and Marcus Camby are healthy) and a super-intriguing cap situation next summer (they're under $35 million). This remains the best combination basketball/big city situation for LeBron James. It's true.

Funk? It's all you!

[JohnnyLingo]

Come on, mpfunk! LeBron to the Clippers!

[MartyFunkhouser]

Come on, mpfunk! LeBron to the Clippers!

I'm confused why this should inspire hatred of Simmons. I do hate Simmons but I see nothing to rip apart in that statement. It would be very interesting to see Bron Bron in LA. In the West he could lose in the first round to get the inevitable tantrum out of the way.

[FN Phat]

If LBJ23 goes to the Clippers and they keep that core of youngins, they will be the best team in LA in 2 years!

[MarkGrace]

Funk, do you get mad when Klosterman hangs with Simmons?

FTR, I don't really like Simmons either, but I don't really have the vitriol toward him that you do.

Klosterman, despite all his pretension, I do really like (or maybe I like him because of his pretension?). I read Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs about a week or so ago, and I'm waiting on Killing Yourself to Live right now.

[MartyFunkhouser]

Funk, do you get mad when Klosterman hangs with Simmons?

FTR, I don't really like Simmons either, but I don't really have the vitriol toward him that you do.

Klosterman, despite all his pretension, I do really like (or maybe I like him because of his pretension?). I read Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs about a week or so ago, and I'm waiting on Killing Yourself to Live right now.

I don't really care about him hanging with Simmons. I wouldn't say that I have vitriol towards Simmons, I just don't find him funny and the Cult of Simmons irritates me. I have simply stated that Klosterman is what Simmons desperately wants to be.

[HuskyFreeNorthwest]

I dislike Simmons so much because I loved him so much when he first hit. I thought he was funny and creative, and when he came back from working for Jimmy Kimmel he thought he was the greatest thing in sports writing. I really can't stand him now, I don't remember the last time I sought out his column.

[JohnnyLingo]

That reminds me, my daughter is one of the most outgoing kids on the planet. She is completely unafraid of any situation, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. But two weeks ago in a playacting class in preschool, she got shy and wouldn't do her fake scene. So why did she get shy? Turns out there was a new boy in her class that she really liked -- according to her, "He has curly hair, and I like how he dresses" -- and she was so smitten that she was afraid to playact in front of him. Who was the kid, you ask. The young son of Slash, the Guns N' Roses guitarist.

(In other words, maybe I shouldn't be having drafts for Screwed-Up Celebrity Kids in 2025.)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/091009

[MartyFunkhouser]

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/091009

Did he keep the column under 50,000 words?

[JohnnyLingo]

Did he keep the column under 50,000 words?

I can't count that high.

Excellent mailbag question:

Q: I used to get regular Simmons action multiple times a week. Now I hope for a new story, mailbag or diary at least once a week, but often get shot down. Did we get married?
-- Kevin, Denver

HA!

[JohnnyLingo]

Simmons takes a look at our society and its relationship with news in his latest column (the column is 340,000 words long). Speaking about the Tiger Woods incident:

The subsequent two weeks illustrated, in ugly detail, every problem with journalism right now. There are no lines anymore. There is no middleman or filter. Stories change constantly, sometimes four or five times per day, and the accuracy of those stories doesn't totally matter as long as there's a story in the first place. Yesterday, three different friends forwarded me a clip of a porn actress bragging for 90 seconds about an alleged tryst with Tiger six months ago. Not exactly the most credible source.

Did I watch the clip? Of course. I couldn't help it. The source of information no longer matters, just the information itself. We all do it. We all send the e-mails and texts, and we all read them.

Watch this, this is probably not true but still crazy.

Read this, might be a kernel of truth in here.

This would be so funny if it's actually true.

In the pre-teen double-zero aughts, these mega-stories are like Maximus in "Gladiator," covered in blood after a fresh kill and screaming at everyone sitting in the Colosseum, "Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is that not why you are here?" We don't want to be crammed into the Colosseum, but we can't help ourselves. We also never imagined that Tiger would be wearing the Maximus outfit, and maybe that's the bigger issue here.

I don't have the same level of fascination with the Tiger story as some people apparently do, but I recognize what Simmons is talking about.

[MarkGrace]

My friend went to Simmons' book signing in Seattle a couple of weeks ago. Friend tell Simmons he's a Jazz fan, and Simmons signs the book like this:

Ben,

Jordan shoved Russell

Bill Simmons

I actually laughed.

[old_gregg]

bill simmons' hbo show got cancelled, which is too bad because it was actually pretty good. i really enjoyed the paul pierce episode. bill is obnoxious, but he's a pretty good interviewer.

[Applejack]

bill simmons' hbo show got cancelled, which is too bad because it was actually pretty good. i really enjoyed the paul pierce episode. bill is obnoxious, but he's a pretty good interviewer.

Really? I watched the first episode and that was enough.

[hostile]

Really? I watched the first episode and that was enough.

Well, he's no Boney Fuller.