So apparently the creators of Conservapedia (the conservative answer to that bastion of liberal bias Wikipedia) are now working on something called the Conservative Bible Project, where they are trying to come up with a modern translation of the Bible that combats the evil liberalism that has crept into the Good Book over the centuries. Salon.com satirically proposed a few contributions that I thought were funny:
John 8:3-7: The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"
Jesus bent down and picked up a rock. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "OK, we start on the count of three. And if I see any of you throwing like limp-wristed sissies, you're next."
Matthew 19:23-24: Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly I tell you, it is hard for a Socialist to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for Van Jones to enter the kingdom of God."
Matthew 9:10-13: While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
On hearing this, Jesus said, "Tax collectors? I had no idea, and wouldn't have eaten with them if I had known, for I favor a flat tax."
Matthew 5:3-5: Blessed are the GOP, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn the death of Christmas, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the children of the rich, for -- once Congress finally eliminates the Death Tax -- they will inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:17: Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have come to force trial lawyers to stop filing trivial lawsuits every time someone gets hurt and won't take responsibility for themselves.
Matthew 5:21-22: You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, "You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment." But I tell you that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so git 'er done.
Luke 22:17-25: After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, "Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes."
And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed. But woe to that man who betrays him!" They began to question among themselves which of them it might be who would do this.
A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. Jesus said to them, "Reagan. Definitely Reagan."
Jesus bent down and picked up a rock. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "OK, we start on the count of three. And if I see any of you throwing like limp-wristed sissies, you're next."
Matthew 19:23-24: Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Truly I tell you, it is hard for a Socialist to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for Van Jones to enter the kingdom of God."
Matthew 9:10-13: While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
On hearing this, Jesus said, "Tax collectors? I had no idea, and wouldn't have eaten with them if I had known, for I favor a flat tax."
Matthew 5:3-5: Blessed are the GOP, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn the death of Christmas, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the children of the rich, for -- once Congress finally eliminates the Death Tax -- they will inherit the earth.
Matthew 5:17: Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have come to force trial lawyers to stop filing trivial lawsuits every time someone gets hurt and won't take responsibility for themselves.
Matthew 5:21-22: You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, "You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment." But I tell you that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so git 'er done.
Luke 22:17-25: After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, "Take this and divide it among you. For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes."
And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."
In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. But the hand of him who is going to betray me is with mine on the table. The Son of Man will go as it has been decreed. But woe to that man who betrays him!" They began to question among themselves which of them it might be who would do this.
A dispute also arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest. Jesus said to them, "Reagan. Definitely Reagan."
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