Pretty much (another) open journal entry to the artist formerly known as CUF!

[Idon'tgnawonmywife]

Eesh...whelp.

Suppose I should pre-apologize for a post that will probably sound more morose, woe-is-me, and self-serving than it's really meant to be.

Honestly, coupled with my own life circumstances, Wuap is probably the biggest motivation for me in regards to making this thread. Hopefully by the end of it, I'll also have made some sort of point.

Lol, and as a final disclaimer, the proceeding words are forever and always meant more for therapeutic purposes on my behalf than anything else.

Now, with all that outta the way...

...I'm pretty y'all remember from my past posts that *I HAS* cerebral palsy, more specifically of the spastic diplegia variety. I'm currently closing in on 30 years with this and more than used to dealing, but a few things still stick in my craw. I guess at this point in my life, the cards that I have been dealt have led to me having a rather dichotomous relationship with religion. On one hand, it's (religion) been a source of hope, inspiration, and endurance. While on the unfortunate other, religion has left me wanting and feeling a bit naive at times. In an effort to be concise (and keep the violins at a minimum), I'll try to be brief and all-encompassing...at the same time. Dig it!

So basically as early as I can remember starting this life (and well on through my single-digit years), I have/had received priesthood blessings/promises that I would be healed in this life *and* in a timely manner at that! Lol, I mean, sheeeeeeeeit...at those ages, I couldn't (and didn't even entertain) my condition being a life-long burden/trial/tribulation/PITA. In hindsight, this probably made for a pretty neat coping mechanism for both myself and my family (not to mention my parent in the medical field).

Howeva (said in my best Stephen A. Smith voice)! As I aged into my teen years, particularly around my high school graduation, I started looking at those past blessings from another point of view. To be fair, at this point in time, my mental state probably was *not* helped by the fact that the words from my church leaders in regards to my condition seemed to segue from "Oh, man, it'll happen - just gotta wait it out." to "Weeeeeeell...you and I both know your healing prooooooobably isn't going to happen in this life, so just keep doing what you're doing and make the best of it."

Lol...I came home from that particular meeting with my bishop with the same facial expression I'm wearing at this moment - lips pursed in a wry smile, slowly nodding my head as if trying to force myself into some agreement to both the words I had heard as well as my situation as a whole.

Anyway, along this same timeline, you had pretty much the epitome of dysfunction junction with my family. More to the point, two of my more...special...family members told me straight up that, by gosh, it was my fault for not being healed at that time. Apparently I just didn't do enough on my own end to make things happen! Lol...eesh, did that one take awhile to reconcile.

But yeah, at that point I kinda just started going through the motions with Mormonism/religion as a whole. Frankly, it was easier for me to deal with cerebral palsy if I completely discounted the possibility of being healed in this life. Obviously I'm sure familial discord played a part in that as well.

Now, I'm definitely *not* at that same point in life right now. My faith in God/religion is stronger...but different. While I still get comfort from my personal practices that way, it is a far cry from how I felt as a starry-eyed kid - probably literally looking to those same stars then for some sorta divine intervention.

This brings me to you, Wuap. For some reason, as I was trying to sleep last night, you popped into my mind (and I hardly even know you!) as well (and as usual) as my situation. How could I not remember your posts regarding your father being stricken with CJD while being promised healing in this life? Granted, my condition isn't terminal (though in my darker hours, I sometimes wish it was...chronic, progressive pain is a beotch! Haha , but as I was in bed, I couldn't help but feel a sorta legit empathy for those feelings you must have had (and still do, I'm sure).

I can't really say much else to you, Wuap, except for that, in my own convoluted way, I really do think I feel and understand the conflict that you're dealing with in that way. Know that.

As for myself (and for what constitutes my testimony at the point in time), all I can say is that sometimes it seems that we (again, speaking for myself here) have to be somehow satisfied with the ability to endure our circumstances - or perhaps even worse, endure those of another. Maybe there's healing in that...in itself. I dunno. Kinda wish I did.

Vaya con Dios, Wuap. I know I'll try to do the same.

[Sullyute]

I kind of feel like a voyeur reading that post. It takes a lot of guts to open up like that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts/feelings/insights.

[byu71]

I usually only get through half of a long post. I read your whole post and am glad I did.

[Green Monstah]

Don'tgnaw,

Solid post.

[snowcat]

all I can say is that sometimes it seems that we ... have to be somehow satisfied with the ability to endure our circumstances - or perhaps even worse, endure those of another. Maybe there's healing in that...

There is wisdom here.

From my limited experience, one of the positives of suffering/enduring life's difficulties is the increase in empathy I have for others who are suffering. If your believe is that Christ has indeed experienced/suffered/endured all of human pains, it brings comfort that he can truly understand what we are enduring in our darkest hours.

[Pelado]

Thanks for posting that.

[wuapinmon]

Don'tgnaw,

Thanks for the post. It's frustrating to no end to hear the mental gymnastics that people use when trying to explain why a blessing didn't come to pass. Those who blamed you for your lack of healing can go fuck themselves; I feel the same rage hearing that someone said that to you as I did when my bishop asked me if I had some unrepented sin that was causing my gallbladder to torture me for a couple of years. My daddy's been dead for seven years now, and I have lost almost all faith in priesthood blessings. I feel hollow when asked to give one, but there isn't much joy in my soul. I don't get why God supposedly gives us power to act in his name if he can just not fulfill what we say because of his own reasons which he doesn't share with us, which makes him seem intolerably coy.

Cerebral palsy sucks. Blaming/shaming someone over their illnesses sucks. The only diseases that deserve any kind of blaming are those related to unprotected willful sex and vices. The other ones should fall under the shit happens category of life. I feel a lot better since I quit caring what people at church think of me. The silver lining of human suffering is that we can see nobility in how others endure their trials. See, if we have children, we never really know for whom we suffer and hope. We suffer and hope and toil for descendants we will never know, and who, in turn, will suffer and hope and toil for others who will not be happy either, for we always seek a happiness far beyond that which is meted out to us. But, our greatness consists of the very fact of wanting to be better than we are. Every innovation we create attests to this. In laying duties upon ourselves, we seek the betterment of others, even as we suffer and toil and hope and strive amid unknowable anxiety, pain, frustration, and immeasurable failures. In the Kingdom of Heaven there is no grandeur to be won, inasmuch as there all is an established hierarchy, the unknown is revealed, existence in infinite and free from physical pain, there is no possibility of sacrifice, all is rest and joy. For this reason, don'tgnaw, bowed down by physical defects, sufferings, and duties, beautiful and noble in the midst of our misery, capable of loving in the face (and often in spite of) afflictions, trials, and crippling blows, mankinds finds its greatness, our fullest measure ion the Kingdom of This World. Enduring the afflictions of another is the noblest thing we can do. Assuming he's there or even cares about us at all, God bless you.

(with a debt to Alejo Carpentier)

[Pelado]

But, our greatness consists of the very fact of wanting to be better than we are.

Thanks. I needed that today.

[LA Ute]

Thanks for the post, IDK. My heart goes out to you, and so does my admiration for your attitude. You made me think of this bit from the life of Neal Maxwell:

In October of 1997, Sister Bednar and I hosted Elder and Sister Maxwell at Brigham Young University–Idaho. Elder Maxwell was to speak to the students, staff, and faculty in a devotional assembly. Everyone on the campus eagerly anticipated his visit to the university and earnestly prepared to receive his message.

Earlier in that same year, Elder Maxwell underwent 46 days and nights of debilitating chemotherapy for leukemia. Shortly after completing his treatments and being released from the hospital, he spoke briefly in the April general conference of the Church. His rehabilitation and continued therapy progressed positively through the spring and summer months, but Elder Maxwell’s physical strength and stamina were nonetheless limited when he traveled to Rexburg. After greeting Elder and Sister Maxwell at the airport, Susan and I drove them to our home for rest and a light lunch before the devotional.

During the course of our conversations that day, I asked Elder Maxwell what lessons he had learned through his illness. I will remember always the precise and penetrating answer he gave. “Dave,” he said, “I have learned that not shrinking is more important than surviving.”

His response to my inquiry was a principle with which he had gained extensive personal experience during his chemotherapy. As Elder Maxwell and his wife were driving to the hospital in January of 1997, on the day he was scheduled to begin his first round of treatment, they pulled into the parking lot and paused for a private moment together. Elder Maxwell “breathed a deep sigh and looked at [his wife]. He reached for her hand and said … , ‘I just don’t want to shrink’” (Bruce C. Hafen, A Disciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell [2002], 16).

In his October 1997 general conference message, entitled “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,” Elder Maxwell taught with great authenticity: “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus” (Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22).

I've never had a trial like his our yours. Thanks for not shrinking. If (when) I do face a serious trial, I'll think of you.