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I'm chuckling to myself as I type this, watching the sun coming up. Of all places to post something like this, I choose this forum? Haha...ugh. If my lurking experience has taught me anything about this forum (and others), is that their seems to be a refiners' fire for the newly-initiated. In any case, allow me to bring that fire upon myself and post something both personal, and probably weird; this forum does weird.
I honestly think it's a compliment to you guys (speaking to both genders) that I'm posting. Your collective know(gnaw)ledge and intellect is at once both humbling and dizzying; I bow to your efforts to engage topics that encompass what seems to be the entire spectrum of humanity. And that, I suppose, is as good of jumping off point as any.
For the entirety of my 26 years on this earth, my main (and daily) struggle has been with my own body. I'm sure I referenced it in my Ellis Intro, but I happened to come to this earth nearly 3 months premature. Luckily I survived, but as you might imagine, not altogether intact. Spastic cerebral palsy has been my burden to bear throughout my life and something that has often put me into a surreal frame of mind, where from time to time, I wonder if I am on the right planet, haha.
Never was this experience more poignant than when I was visiting with family over this last Thanksgiving. After dinner, I proceeded to quite literally roll out in my wheelchair to my sister's backyard porch. My 3-year old nephew then looked at me and asked me how I was going to cross the grass to his playhouse. To his credit, he came up with a wide variety of possibilities which ranged from walking to crawling and even rolling. I decided to go with a literal interpretation the latter; I rolled my way all along the ground through the grass to his play area--talk about dizzying intellect, haha.
Gotta say, normally I'd knee-walk or push my chair through it all, but *somebody's* husband had not mowed their lawn in what seemed like the space of a few moons. Anyway, I was the last to return inside (a recurring, yet somewhat reassuring theme of my life) to what seemed like the atmosphere of a funeral.
My father had just learned that I had imparted to my impressionable nephew the sad truth about my physical circumstances; he seemed to be taking it harder than both myself and said nephew. As a doctor though, it's gotta be some kind of wondrous, tragic irony. I reassured him that I (we) knew this day would come and that it most assuredly was not an earth-shattering revelation by any stretch. With a mutual smile, we carried on and watched both grandson and nephew wreak havoc on my sister's house.
Fast forward a few weeks later to this morning where I found myself uncharacteristically deep in thought. No doubt (very) recent circumstances preceded this moment; however, I have often found myself here when it seems like I've hit my own personal threshold. Too often, I have sort of "turned off" the more spiritual aspects of myself out of an effort to preserve my sanity and peace of mind--you know, just one more thing off my plate...which hopefully segue's into my final paragraph(s), haha.
For the longest time, I have felt that due to my life's circumstances with cerebral palsy, that I have had this mantle of sorts thrust upon me. In that, people who have seen me go throughout my life has been thusly inspired--even if it's just seeing a kid in a chair chilling outside his truck, filling up a tank of gas. So often, I've just wanted to blend in with the crowd; whether by physical appearance, disability, or in spiritual matters. However, circumstances forced my hand and I accepted my life as best I could--trying to make my burden as easy on others as is possible.
I'm obviously far from perfect both physically or otherwise. But this much I do know; I am glad to be alive. I look forward to struggle with my body each morning even with a simple matter of putting on a pair of pants. I look forward to the wonderfully unique opportunity that I have nearly on a daily basis to assure my fellowman in the most humorous way possible that I am indeed both cognitively (mostly!) aware and functional.
Anyway, I don't believe that it took recent tragedies to bring myself to this point. In a way, every movement of my body is a daily reminder of my own personal tragedy--the opportunity that I never had to literally come from A "walk" of life, haha. But honestly, and hopefully lastly, I have never been more happy to both be alive and be able to experience this (my) life and all the pain that comes with it.
I guess this is where I'd bear my testimony, but in so many words I believe that I already have. Again, this was as much (if not all) for me as would or could be for anyone else. Keep up the good work, guys--I have more lurking to do.
I honestly think it's a compliment to you guys (speaking to both genders) that I'm posting. Your collective know(gnaw)ledge and intellect is at once both humbling and dizzying; I bow to your efforts to engage topics that encompass what seems to be the entire spectrum of humanity. And that, I suppose, is as good of jumping off point as any.
For the entirety of my 26 years on this earth, my main (and daily) struggle has been with my own body. I'm sure I referenced it in my Ellis Intro, but I happened to come to this earth nearly 3 months premature. Luckily I survived, but as you might imagine, not altogether intact. Spastic cerebral palsy has been my burden to bear throughout my life and something that has often put me into a surreal frame of mind, where from time to time, I wonder if I am on the right planet, haha.
Never was this experience more poignant than when I was visiting with family over this last Thanksgiving. After dinner, I proceeded to quite literally roll out in my wheelchair to my sister's backyard porch. My 3-year old nephew then looked at me and asked me how I was going to cross the grass to his playhouse. To his credit, he came up with a wide variety of possibilities which ranged from walking to crawling and even rolling. I decided to go with a literal interpretation the latter; I rolled my way all along the ground through the grass to his play area--talk about dizzying intellect, haha.
Gotta say, normally I'd knee-walk or push my chair through it all, but *somebody's* husband had not mowed their lawn in what seemed like the space of a few moons. Anyway, I was the last to return inside (a recurring, yet somewhat reassuring theme of my life) to what seemed like the atmosphere of a funeral.
My father had just learned that I had imparted to my impressionable nephew the sad truth about my physical circumstances; he seemed to be taking it harder than both myself and said nephew. As a doctor though, it's gotta be some kind of wondrous, tragic irony. I reassured him that I (we) knew this day would come and that it most assuredly was not an earth-shattering revelation by any stretch. With a mutual smile, we carried on and watched both grandson and nephew wreak havoc on my sister's house.
Fast forward a few weeks later to this morning where I found myself uncharacteristically deep in thought. No doubt (very) recent circumstances preceded this moment; however, I have often found myself here when it seems like I've hit my own personal threshold. Too often, I have sort of "turned off" the more spiritual aspects of myself out of an effort to preserve my sanity and peace of mind--you know, just one more thing off my plate...which hopefully segue's into my final paragraph(s), haha.
For the longest time, I have felt that due to my life's circumstances with cerebral palsy, that I have had this mantle of sorts thrust upon me. In that, people who have seen me go throughout my life has been thusly inspired--even if it's just seeing a kid in a chair chilling outside his truck, filling up a tank of gas. So often, I've just wanted to blend in with the crowd; whether by physical appearance, disability, or in spiritual matters. However, circumstances forced my hand and I accepted my life as best I could--trying to make my burden as easy on others as is possible.
I'm obviously far from perfect both physically or otherwise. But this much I do know; I am glad to be alive. I look forward to struggle with my body each morning even with a simple matter of putting on a pair of pants. I look forward to the wonderfully unique opportunity that I have nearly on a daily basis to assure my fellowman in the most humorous way possible that I am indeed both cognitively (mostly!) aware and functional.
Anyway, I don't believe that it took recent tragedies to bring myself to this point. In a way, every movement of my body is a daily reminder of my own personal tragedy--the opportunity that I never had to literally come from A "walk" of life, haha. But honestly, and hopefully lastly, I have never been more happy to both be alive and be able to experience this (my) life and all the pain that comes with it.
I guess this is where I'd bear my testimony, but in so many words I believe that I already have. Again, this was as much (if not all) for me as would or could be for anyone else. Keep up the good work, guys--I have more lurking to do.
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