Share your favorite religious joke!

[oxcoug]

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/takeand...eligious-joke/

Here's mine:

Some Episcopalians move from Connecticut to Alabama the locals are obviously suspicious and one night the boys from the Klan mobilize to make a statement.

The Episcopalian family awake at 2:00 AM to see men in a half circle dressed in white sheets and a blazing wooden question mark in the middle of the lawn.

[wuapinmon]

Q: Why do you always take two Mormons fishing with you?
A: Because if you take one he'll drink all your beer.

[wuapinmon]

Q: Who is the most constipated person in the Bible?
A: Cain, because he wasn't Abel.

[il Padrino Ute]

Q: Who is the most constipated person in the Bible?
A: Cain, because he wasn't Abel.

Q: Which prophet in the Bible was nicknamed Stretch?
A: Moses. He tied his ass to a tree and climbed up Mt. Sinai.

[Katy Lied]

Guy dies and goes to heaven where he is greeted by St. Peter at the gate. Peter takes him around on the orientation tour of heaven and shows him pretty soft clouds, harps, the store where he can checkout a halo, etc.

Guy strolls over to the edge of heaven. "What's down there?"

St Peter cautions him, "Don't bother looking, that's hell down there. It's dark and gloomy and there's lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth."

Guy is curious and looks down anyway. He sees neat little farms, with white picket fences, and rows and rows of well tended crops. He tells Peter, "Hey, that doesn't look so bad."

St Peter peers over too. "Dang it," he says, "those Mormons are irrigating again."

[Eddie]

Man dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man that because he has been good, he can choose where he lives for the rest of forever...heaven or hell.

St. Peter tells him he can spend a day in each place, just so that he has enough information to make a good decision.

Well, the man spends his first day in Heaven. He takes a tour of the mansions, sees some folks playing harps, others singing. Mostly there isn't a lot of action, but it is beautiful. Good food to eat - but it tends to be the stuff of ward pot luck dinners. Overall an enjoyable relaxing day.

The next day he spends in Hell. First Satan takes him for a round of golf. Then he introduces him to some guys at the country club - where they drink and tell jokes. That afternoon they take in a ballgame, and then spend the evening at a club...eventually making their way to a house of ill repute. Everywhere they go the food is great...lobster, steak, prime rib...

The next morning the man tells St. Peter he is ready to spend his eternity in hell. After being so good all his life, he's noticing he missed out of on a few things, and all things being equal he would choose to live like they do in hell. "Are you sure? You won't be allowed to change your mind!" But he had such a great time, his mind is set.

So it is back to hell. When he arrives he notices that the nice golf course, clubs, etc. are nowhere to be found. Suddenly there is nothing but fire, brimstone, and he is sent to rub baby oil all over the backs of smelly ugly women with ranchero music blaring in the background.

He stops and turns to Satan - "Hey! What's going on!?! Where's the golf course? When do I get a break? This isn't what you showed me yesterday!"

Satan responded - "Yesterday, we were recruiting you..."

[Northwestcoug]

A Primary President, High Councilman, and Bishop were travelling together on a plane. In the air, a terrorist announces the plane is being hijacked. To make sure everyone knows he's serious, he decides to shoot some passengers.

He goes to the row where the leaders are sitting together. He then tells the Primary President, "you are going to die. Do you have any last requests?" She answers, "I would like to sing 'I am a Child of God' before I die". He then asks the High Councilman the same thing, who replies, "I'd like to give my talk I prepared for next Sunday".

Finally he goes to the Bishop and asks his last request. The Bishop says, "Shoot me after the song."

[Northwestcoug]

What do you get when you cross an LDS with LSD?
A High Priest.

Haven't forgotten that one in over 20 years...

[Green Monstah]

What do you get when you cross an LDS with LSD?
A High Priest.

Haven't forgotten that one in over 20 years...

What's the difference between LDS and LSD?

LDS sends you on a mission; LSD sends you on a trip.

[Jacob]

Man dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man that because he has been good, he can choose where he lives for the rest of forever...heaven or hell.

St. Peter tells him he can spend a day in each place, just so that he has enough information to make a good decision.

Well, the man spends his first day in Heaven. He takes a tour of the mansions, sees some folks playing harps, others singing. Mostly there isn't a lot of action, but it is beautiful. Good food to eat - but it tends to be the stuff of ward pot luck dinners. Overall an enjoyable relaxing day.

The next day he spends in Hell. First Satan takes him for a round of golf. Then he introduces him to some guys at the country club - where they drink and tell jokes. That afternoon they take in a ballgame, and then spend the evening at a club...eventually making their way to a house of ill repute. Everywhere they go the food is great...lobster, steak, prime rib...

The next morning the man tells St. Peter he is ready to spend his eternity in hell. After being so good all his life, he's noticing he missed out of on a few things, and all things being equal he would choose to live like they do in hell. "Are you sure? You won't be allowed to change your mind!" But he had such a great time, his mind is set.

So it is back to hell. When he arrives he notices that the nice golf course, clubs, etc. are nowhere to be found. Suddenly there is nothing but fire, brimstone, and he is sent to rub baby oil all over the backs of smelly ugly women with ranchero music blaring in the background.

He stops and turns to Satan - "Hey! What's going on!?! Where's the golf course? When do I get a break? This isn't what you showed me yesterday!"

Satan responded - "Yesterday, we were recruiting you..."

Was that a conference talk?

[DrumNFeather]

Jesus calls the Pope:

"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I've returned to the earth. The bad news for you is that I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

[Green Monstah]

Man dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man that because he has been good, he can choose where he lives for the rest of forever...heaven or hell.

St. Peter tells him he can spend a day in each place, just so that he has enough information to make a good decision.

Well, the man spends his first day in Heaven. He takes a tour of the mansions, sees some folks playing harps, others singing. Mostly there isn't a lot of action, but it is beautiful. Good food to eat - but it tends to be the stuff of ward pot luck dinners. Overall an enjoyable relaxing day.

The next day he spends in Hell. First Satan takes him for a round of golf. Then he introduces him to some guys at the country club - where they drink and tell jokes. That afternoon they take in a ballgame, and then spend the evening at a club...eventually making their way to a house of ill repute. Everywhere they go the food is great...lobster, steak, prime rib...

The next morning the man tells St. Peter he is ready to spend his eternity in hell. After being so good all his life, he's noticing he missed out of on a few things, and all things being equal he would choose to live like they do in hell. "Are you sure? You won't be allowed to change your mind!" But he had such a great time, his mind is set.

So it is back to hell. When he arrives he notices that the nice golf course, clubs, etc. are nowhere to be found. Suddenly there is nothing but fire, brimstone, and he is sent to rub baby oil all over the backs of smelly ugly women with ranchero music blaring in the background.

He stops and turns to Satan - "Hey! What's going on!?! Where's the golf course? When do I get a break? This isn't what you showed me yesterday!"

Satan responded - "Yesterday, we were recruiting you..."

This joke applies to young associates [the man] at large law firms [hell], their recruiters [Satan] during their summer clerkships [the good times in hell]. In fact, that's the version of this joke I first heard.

[Green Monstah]

President Monson is wanted for an emergency conference in St. George, so he hires a limo to pick him up and transport him down to Dixie land. Somewhere near Nephi, the limo driver pulls over and tells President Monson, "I'm so sorry, but I'm incredibly ill and I can't drive any further." Understanding, President Monson attempts to find alternate transportation, but can't find any other way to get down to St. George unless he drives the limo himself. Not wanting to be late, he sets the cruise at 85 mph and heads south on I-15.

Near Fillmore, a Highway Patrol officer pulls the limo over and asks for the normal documentation. When he realizes its Pres. Monson, this poor chap becomes nervous and heads back to his squad car to talk with HQ. He gets his supervisor on his radio and says, "Sir, I've got a real problem. I just pulled over a limo going 85 mph on the freeway, and the driver doesn't have a chauffeur license." The supervisor responds, "What exactly is the problem then?" Well, sir" replies the officer, "I don't know who the passenger is, but President Monson is driving the limo."

[Moliere]

President Monson is wanted for an emergency conference in St. George, so he hires a limo to pick him up and transport him down to Dixie land. Somewhere near Nephi, the limo driver pulls over and tells President Monson, "I'm so sorry, but I'm incredibly ill and I can't drive any further." Understanding, President Monson attempts to find alternate transportation, but can't find any other way to get down to St. George unless he drives the limo himself. Not wanting to be late, he sets the cruise at 85 mph and heads south on I-15.

Near Fillmore, a Highway Patrol officer pulls the limo over and asks for the normal documentation. When he realizes its Pres. Monson, this poor chap becomes nervous and heads back to his squad car to talk with HQ. He gets his supervisor on his radio and says, "Sir, I've got a real problem. I just pulled over a limo going 85 mph on the freeway, and the driver doesn't have a chauffeur license." The supervisor responds, "What exactly is the problem then?" Well, sir" replies the officer, "I don't know who the passenger is, but President Monson is driving the limo."

Ha! This one is good.

[grapevine]

A bishop took an Aaronic Priesthood holder with him to Prison and let the Aaronic Priesthood holder pray. He prayed that those that are not here this time will be here next time in prison.

Another one variations of it Several religions were meeting and the building started to collapse the Jews started up and down wondering what they did wrong, The Catholics started praying The Mormons showed up two hours late and missed the whole thing.