What's your parenting approach?

[FMCoug]

The discussion in the other thread about the non-TV families, etc. got me to thinking about this. While clearly approaches to parenting are widely varied and generalizations get dangerous, it seems to me that the more orthodox / conservative Mormon parents are, the more strict they seem to be. Which conversely seems to often result in rebellion, creating the exact opposite of the desired result. So I thought this would be interesting to discuss.

What's your parenting style? Strict / rules based / law of Moses, or the Joseph Smith "teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves" approach?

Clearly it is going to depend on age and the ability to govern themselves changes as kids get older, but we are much more of that school of thought. My kids don't have a lot of hard and fast rules. Even my teenage daughter doesn't have a curfew. When she goes out, she asks us first, we settle on what makes sense for that given activity, etc. Never been an issue. So far it has worked very well for us.

[pellegrino]

I just beat my kids into submission. They like it so we're happy.

[mUUser]

The kids are waaaaaay too busy to be bothered with any parenting.

[wuapinmon]

Is the strict-parents-foster-teenage-rebellion thing real, or just a movie cliche?

[FMCoug]

Is the strict-parents-foster-teenage-rebellion thing real, or just a movie cliche?

I think it's very real. I have known several cases. Usually kids from strict Mormon families who go off to college and go off the deep end.

[RobinFinderson]

Well, we have the one child, Little Robin. Our approach has been to look at our helicopter parent friends, and do the exact opposite. I try to encourage as much independence as is reasonably safe, so we send LR out to do all kinds of things on his own. For example, he walks to and from school on his own (.75 miles round trip). He walks to and from guitar lessons on his own (.75 miles round trip). He walks to and from Kung Fu lessons on his own (1.25 miles, round trip). We send him out to pick up the pizzas (.5 miles) and sundry groceries whenever we need these errands run. When his friends are over, we encourage them to run the streets and have a good time. This usually consists of walking up to Diddy Riese on their own (1 mile, roundtrip). For most visiting kids, this is a completely unexpected liberty, and they love it.

We don't edit ANY media content that LR might want to enjoy. This means that he gets to play violent video games (MW3 is the next one on the horizon), and watch violent movies (Drive being the last one we enjoyed on a Daddy-LR date night). He knows that it is his responsibility to stop watching content that he can't handle, which for now, means sexual content. Nekid people embarrass him.

We are strict about hit guitar practice (forty minutes every day, with one day off each week). We are strict with his Kung Fu classes (he is expected to attend 3-times per week). We try to be strict and enforce a media limit so that his total media intake is less than or equal to his total time reading books (not including HW) + playing the guitar. While this isn't always easy to enforce, when there is a serious imbalance, it gives us useful leverage to kick him off the TV/computer.

He understands that he is expected to get all A's in school. He is capable of this, and it is expected. When he gets anything lower than an A on a midterm, we do additional coaching in this content area to bring him up to speed. We don't offer money for good grades, but we will go out to eat at a restaurant of his choice if he brings back straight A's.

I try to play hard and rough with LR as often as possible. I try to wrestle with him in the park and at the beach. I try to swim with him about three times a week, and we play rough in the pool. I try to encourage him to take some risks, like learning to do a back-dive into the pool. He backflopped on that one a couple of times, which set things back, but he can now do a back-dive quite well.

I try to be available to 'put him to bed' a couple of times each week. This means going in and talking to him about his day, and discussing deep philosophical ideas, or talking about my own childhood. These are good times.

There is obviously no religion. He and I are atheists, and Faith may as well be an atheist.

I guess that is some of it. That starts to circumscribe much of our approach to parenting.

[TripletDaddy]

I forgot that you now live near the Village, which explains letting him run roughshod all around the hood. That would be a very fun area to grow up, honestly. Except for the crappy sports

[Devildog]

Religion might be a significant factor, but I know many U.S. Marines that are very strict as parents.

Some have had incredible success with their kids... others the exact opposite.

I hope I'm striving to maintain a healthy balance. I love my kids, but they are hard-wired a lot like their old man... and I was a bad kid. I love them, and try to trust them, but I also follow up, and I discipline them when necessary.

In my opinion, the kid's personality is a big factor in the way they get parented.

I'm sure my kids know I love them, and they know what is expected, sometimes they come up short and when they do they know there will be consequences.

When that happens I try to let them know what it will take to get their privileges back.

It's working better than beating them... for now.

They are getting to old to beat (15 and 14)... soon it would be considered domestic violence... so this plan is gonna have to work until I find something better.

[FMCoug]

In my opinion, the kid's personality is a big factor in the way they get parented.

This is probably the #1 thing in my mind. No two kids are alike, even in the same family. Perhaps the real trick to all of this is being perceptive enough to discern the appropriate level of self-governance a given child is capable of.

[RobinFinderson]

This is probably the #1 thing in my mind. No two kids are alike, even in the same family. Perhaps the real trick to all of this is being perceptive enough to discern the appropriate level of self-governance a given child is capable of.

That is probably a decent advantage for parents with one child. I suppose three finds a personality equilibrium easier than more.

[CardiacCoug]

He knows that it is his responsibility to stop watching content that he can't handle, which for now, means sexual content. Nekid people embarrass him.

So if he told you he could handle porn, you would say go for it?

Isn't it your job to some degree to decide what your kid can and can't handle?

[Levin]

So if he told you he could handle porn, you would say go for it?

Isn't it your job to some degree to decide what your kid can and can't handle?

It's also based on a false premise -- that there's some objective basis for "handling it" that Little Robin was born with. The fact is the more kids are exposed to crap the more crap they can "handle." Some would say "desensitizing," others would say loss of that purity of spirit we are all born with.

[FMCoug]

It's also based on a false premise -- that there's some objective basis for "handling it" that Little Robin was born with. The fact is the more kids are exposed to crap the more crap they can "handle." Some would say "desensitizing," others would say loss of that purity of spirit we are all born with.

This is true, and I agree that Robin's approach seems a bit extreme for my taste. That said, I think really what we are talking about is what level of desensitizing needs to take place at what point in life. The bottom line is that we all have a need to be de-sensitized to a certain degree. Such is being "in the world".

Would you rather have a kid that gets a woody over seeing a girl in a bikini or one that can carry on an adult conversation with her.

[CardiacCoug]

It's also based on a false premise -- that there's some objective basis for "handling it" that Little Robin was born with. The fact is the more kids are exposed to crap the more crap they can "handle." Some would say "desensitizing," others would say loss of that purity of spirit we are all born with.

I'm just asking. Really I don't know if from a scientific perspective giving kids open access to media violence and porn from the tween years would have negative effects or not.

[Jacob]

Free range parenting