So, I've felt rather badly since last Sunday because I took God's name in vain, for real, for the first time since I was baptized 20 years ago.
Without belaboring the details, I was helping my mom clean out the house I grew up in, and that she and my father let fall apart through mutual stubbornness and blamegaming. All week long she had been fault finding and picking at me, recalling past things that I had putatively done (some of them amazingly during my mission). It's not a minor's responsibility to make sure that his parents' house is in good repair. Since getting married, I have spent countless hours doing what I could to fix things at that house.
Finally, when she accused me, incorrectly, of making a water stain on a piece of furniture, furniture that we had already sold, and that looked like it did when I sold it, I blew up at my mother. My parents would often blame me for things that went wrong around the house. I endured my father's manic depression and my mother's co-dependency for my whole life. And, on Sunday, I lost it, and told her that I refused to take any more blame for things that were wrong in that "god-damned house."
So, I broke a temple covenant. I went outside and sat in the car for about a half an hour, calmed down, apologized to my mother for yelling at her, and we reconciled. But, I prayed for forgiveness, and I feel absolutely NOTHING, just a sadness, like a knot in my throat, that I can't seem to shake. I didn't take the sacrament today so that I could spend another week thinking about not letting my anger and my temptations (gluttony has been my companion all week) control my spiritual life; some of them, like gluttony, spilling over into realms physical/temporal.
This has always been on of the things that was easy for me, but lately, I've been thinking "God dammit" in my head all the time when I'm frustrated or stressed. I never thought this was going to be an issue for me. I'm not around people who use it. I never had the habit of saying it before I joined the Church.
I don't feel like I need to confess to the bishop because it's really a matter of having offended God. I just feel like time will heal the wound, but for now, it's festering, and I just needed to tell others about how I was feeling. You might think this is silly, and perhaps it is, but I broke a covenant I never thought I would, and it's gotten to me.
Have any of yall struggled with this?
Without belaboring the details, I was helping my mom clean out the house I grew up in, and that she and my father let fall apart through mutual stubbornness and blamegaming. All week long she had been fault finding and picking at me, recalling past things that I had putatively done (some of them amazingly during my mission). It's not a minor's responsibility to make sure that his parents' house is in good repair. Since getting married, I have spent countless hours doing what I could to fix things at that house.
Finally, when she accused me, incorrectly, of making a water stain on a piece of furniture, furniture that we had already sold, and that looked like it did when I sold it, I blew up at my mother. My parents would often blame me for things that went wrong around the house. I endured my father's manic depression and my mother's co-dependency for my whole life. And, on Sunday, I lost it, and told her that I refused to take any more blame for things that were wrong in that "god-damned house."
So, I broke a temple covenant. I went outside and sat in the car for about a half an hour, calmed down, apologized to my mother for yelling at her, and we reconciled. But, I prayed for forgiveness, and I feel absolutely NOTHING, just a sadness, like a knot in my throat, that I can't seem to shake. I didn't take the sacrament today so that I could spend another week thinking about not letting my anger and my temptations (gluttony has been my companion all week) control my spiritual life; some of them, like gluttony, spilling over into realms physical/temporal.
This has always been on of the things that was easy for me, but lately, I've been thinking "God dammit" in my head all the time when I'm frustrated or stressed. I never thought this was going to be an issue for me. I'm not around people who use it. I never had the habit of saying it before I joined the Church.
I don't feel like I need to confess to the bishop because it's really a matter of having offended God. I just feel like time will heal the wound, but for now, it's festering, and I just needed to tell others about how I was feeling. You might think this is silly, and perhaps it is, but I broke a covenant I never thought I would, and it's gotten to me.
Have any of yall struggled with this?
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