What is a Utah Mormon?

[BlueHair]

TV is not allowed on Sunday, but cooking a huge meal is okay.

[BlueHair]

Either that or hits 100% home teaching every month, but the visits are 30 seconds of smalltalk followed by a canned lesson. He can't tell you the names of your kids, much less what they are interested in.

On the last Sunday of the month, no doubt.

[FMCoug]

Now that I've graded myself as promised ... I'll add a few:

1. Bitches about the fights over which of multiple family reunions (all taking place in Utah or Idaho) they have to go to.

2. Has never been on a vacation that did not involve #1 and/or a visit to family.

3. Considers Lake Powell to be the best place to go for sun and sand.

4. Cannot fathom the concept of NOT having extended family around. When told this is the case, looks at the unfortunate family-less one as if they are from another planet.

5. At an elementary school PTA meeting before a school program, folds arms and asks the students to be reverent.

6. Can't conceive of why some might consider the schol choir singing LDS hymns to be inappropriate.


I could go on and on ... those are just things I have observerd first hand in the 9 months I've lived here ...

[HuskyFreeNorthwest]

TV is not allowed on Sunday, but cooking a huge meal is okay.

Or no TV until a certain time, usually prime time 7-8 PM on Sundays.

[FMCoug]

Finds this thread offensive rather than funny.

[YOhio]

When told this is the case, looks at the unfortunate family-less one as if they are from another planet.

I've noticed that you're very sensitive to the looks you receive from Utah Mormons. It appears that Utah Mormons also have a variety of offensive facial expressions in their arsenal.

[RobinFinderson]

20. cheats on their taxes but won't drink coffee
False

I KNEW you drank coffee!

[Jeff Lebowski]

What a great thread. Jay and YOhio's lists were hilarious.

[wuapinmon]

I'm a convert from Georgia. I call the annoying Mormon a "Wasatch Fronter" when not in Utah.

In no order:

1. Starts sacrament talk or testimony with "When my wife and [sic] me moved here to the mission field, we..."

2. Obsessed with fantasy football

3. Drives too much vehicle

4. Gets upset that they have to drive their kids to early morning seminary, complaining about how the public schools here should let their kids out and ....

5. Carries their scriptures in a carrying case

6. Wears Dockers to Church

7. Raises their eyebrows when I swear, drink Coke, or talk about why I hated living in Utah.

8. Thinks anyone gives a damn that they went to Skyline, or East, or Olympus.

9. Every single person is a state champ at something in that state. OMFH!

10. Never stops talking about BYU

11. Says things are "yummy" or says "thanks so much" when "thank you" might even be unnecessary.

12. Tips 10% and considers it a king's ransom.

13. Asks black members if they can take a photo with them when they visit my ward.

14. Talks about pioneer ancestors as if they were Mormon royalty.

15. Wears BYU paraphernalia whenever it's a casual event...or a date with his "sweetheart."

16. Complains about the humidity, praises how much they like living in a dry, barren, oven of a rock garden called Utah.

17. Makes fun of Southern accents, customs, and vocabulary while not hearing the "Marmon" "Key-ewe-pon" "melk" and "trayzhure, mayzhure, playzhure" and "maygan" of their own accent.

18. Thinks our names for fish are stupid.

19. Thinks it's cool to put his Scriptures on hand-held devices.

20. Refuses to try grits

21. Thinks BBQ means beef.

22. Reads the priesthood lesson straight from the manual.

23. Insists on naming the exact no-horse town they're from....."I'm not from Layton, no way, man, no I'm from Fruit Heights." Even though "Fruit Heights" or Woods Cross or South Salt Lake are across the road from the other city.

I'm from 25 miles away from Atlanta. Ask me where I'm from, "Etlana"

[Shaka]

I do not qualify for much of the list because I'm unmarried. However, I do look down on members of Sams's Club.

[RobinFinderson]

However, I do look down on members of Sams's Club.

Well I'm sorry to tell you, but that was probably the biggest one on the list. The Sam's Club thing alone makes you a Utah Mormon.

[YOhio]

Sorry Dr. Wuap, but I had too. Your list was bad. Seriously bad.

2. Obsessed with fantasy football

I could be wrong, but sports seems to be a fairly popular interest among a large subset of American males. I've even heard of non-Utah Mormons participating in Fantasy Football. Really, I have. You realize that not liking sports makes you the freak, right?

6. Wears Dockers to Church

Don't even get me started about Haggar.

7. Raises their eyebrows when I swear, drink Coke, or talk about why I hated living in Utah.

It's because you're being a boor and they're probably a bit more concerned about the sugar content than the caffeine content, big guy.

8. Thinks anyone gives a damn that they went to Skyline, or East, or Olympus.

Okay Dr. Convert from Georgia Tim's Bestest Friend Ever Spanish Professor with Large Breasted Nympho Wife.

9. Every single person is a state champ at something in that state. OMFH!

Now you're just making stuff up.

10. Never stops talking about BYU

Yes. Yes they do.

11. Says things are "yummy" or says "thanks so much" when "thank you" might even be unnecessary.

Your probably not aware of manners, being raised in the South and all.

14. Talks about pioneer ancestors as if they were Mormon royalty.

They kind of are.

15. Wears BYU paraphernalia whenever it's a casual event...or a date with his "sweetheart."

You brag about wearing a guayabera every six days a week, yet criticize others for their fashion choices? BTW, that G you see people wearing around your state. You know, the one that's accompanied by a picture of a bulldog. That's not a clothing brand.

16. Complains about the humidity, praises how much they like living in a dry, barren, oven of a rock garden called Utah.

Yes. I hate assholes that criticize the climate in other states.

17. Makes fun of Southern accents, customs, and vocabulary while not hearing the "Marmon" "Key-ewe-pon" "melk" and "trayzhure, mayzhure, playzhure" and "maygan" of their own accent.

Everyone makes fun of Southern Accents. The rest of the country thinks y'all sound funny.

18. Thinks our names for fish are stupid.

Who do they think they are?!?!

19. Thinks it's cool to put his Scriptures on hand-held devices.

It isn't?

20. Refuses to try grits

Bastards!

21. Thinks BBQ means beef.

I hate Utah Mormons from Texas!

22. Reads the priesthood lesson straight from the manual.

Fortunately this never happens outside the Wasatch Front.

23. Insists on naming the exact no-horse town they're from....."I'm not from Layton, no way, man, no I'm from Fruit Heights." Even though "Fruit Heights" or Woods Cross or South Salt Lake are across the road from the other city.

I'm from 25 miles away from Atlanta. Ask me where I'm from, "Etlana"

OMG that is so annoying. It drives me nuts when people absolutely insist on telling me where they're from. Stupid Utahans.

[marsupial]

Has no problem sharing a couple of their Xanax with a friend or relative, but thinks seeing a R rated movie could likely keep you from the highest glory.

[wuapinmon]

Sorry Dr. Wuap, but I had too. Your list was bad. Seriously bad.

"w"uapinmon

No response to #13?

You sound just like every missionary I served with, though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that some of your counterpoints were spot on about me.

Imagine being a recent convert to the Church, going on a mission, and being dropped into Central-American culture shock along with Utah culture shock. I was stranger among my own kind.

When I lived in Utah, I didn't bitch about the place all the time; it's a common courtesy. When I live somewhere, I tend to adapt to the culture. It has been my experience that Utahns want to export their monoculture to the rest of the world.

Oh, and when I say "Coke" in the South that means any carbonated drink....my drink of choice is Cherry Coke Zero. No sugar for me, but thanks for reminding me that I'm fat---I had forgotten.

[YOhio]

"w"uapinmon

No response to #13?

You sound just like every missionary I served with, though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that some of your counterpoints were spot on about me.

Imagine being a recent convert to the Church, going on a mission, and being dropped into Central-American culture shock along with Utah culture shock. I was stranger among my own kind.

When I lived in Utah, I didn't bitch about the place all the time; it's a common courtesy. When I live somewhere, I tend to adapt to the culture. It has been my experience that Utahns want to export their monoculture to the rest of the world.

Oh, and when I say "Coke" in the South that means any carbonated drink....my drink of choice is Cherry Coke Zero. No sugar for me, but thanks for reminding me that I'm fat---I had forgotten.

No. No response for 13. That's ridiculous if it really happens.

So why didn't you say you drink Coke Zero? If I'd have known that, I'd have held my fire. I'm a fellow user.