the possibility of not getting married scares me

[pellegrino]

2. Women crave confidence and self-assurance. We can smell fear. Figure out what you're good at (you've clearly already got honesty and sensitivity going for you) and derive your confidence from that.

this should be a real confidence builder.

[All-American]

It wasn't that long ago that I was more or less exactly where you are. I wasn't having any luck finding girls that I liked, except for the ones that weren't interested. Since I'm a really big sissy, rejection really stung every time it happened. I was beginning to wonder if I was destined to be a perpetual single myself. Then I went to the University of Chicago and the Chicago 8th branch, which has to be among the most lamentable dating scenes in the church. I had absolutely resigned myself to the fact that I had come to the University at the advanced age of 26 as a single, and I would be leaving at the practically ancient age of 29 in the same state. I met my future fiancée the very first week I arrived.

Having been where you are, I know that it is of little to no consolation when people who were once in your position assure you that it can, does, and will work out in the long run. These kinds of platitudes are of little assurance when what you would like more is to know what needs to happen to get the transition going. So I won't dwell on the point much, except to point out a few things I feel like I've learned about the process.

First, and probably most importantly, I absolutely believe that God had a hand in the process whereby we found each other. Both of us can point out times and ways that we were not only placed in each other's paths, but were being prepared to be ready for one another. Few things so convince me of the reality of divine intervention as does the story of how we came together.

The corollary to that point is the fact that sometimes, the answer to our prayers is no. There were a number of girls that I went out with and would have liked to have dated more, if they had felt the same way. Sometimes, it was merely disappointing that they weren’t interested. For a few of them, it was devastating. But the one I ended up with is perfect for me in ways that I never even hoped to ask for. As much as I wanted things to have turned out differently at the time, I am grateful now that I didn’t always get what I wanted.

I firmly believe that a loving God is anxious to give every blessing He possibly can to His children, and refrains only for the purpose of preparing them for something better, which He gives to them as soon as they are ready for it. The fact is, it is not enough to find the right person; both have to be ready for marriage.

For both of us, learning to be happy on our own was an important precursor to learning to be happy together. Once I accepted the fact that I would be single for quite some time, I started to learn to be happy with my life as it was, instead of worrying about what it wasn’t. My fiancée has told me that the same thing, more or less, happened to her. She knew that if she came to Chicago, she was effectively cutting herself off from the dating world and could expect to be single for some time yet. She was just beginning to enjoy her single life when we started dating.

I think both of us, to some extent, thought of marriage as the missing piece in our lives which, once we found it, would make everything else come together. We both understood, pragmatically speaking, that marriage wasn’t going to solve all of our problems, but I feel like there’s an extent to which we didn’t appreciate that. It reminds me a bit of how a lot of missionaries think that as soon as they put on the nametag for the first time, they think that they’ll somehow magically transform into one of the sons of Mosiah and be some incredible missionary. The truth is that you’re the same person before and after, with the same talents and abilities, and the same weaknesses and struggles. I still have bad days. I still fight the same battles I did before I got engaged. Marriage solves very few problems, and in fact, probably creates more than it solves. Just as a returned missionary might now know better than to expect that he will become an expert linguist or a scripture scholar simply by divine bequest upon putting on a nametag, so too should singles (and married folk alike, I presume) know that the characteristics that will one day be the foundation of a strong marriage don’t necessarily come without effort to build them.

I suppose there is plenty more to be said, but I’m not sure how helpful it will be (or how helpful the above is). The bottom line is that things do have a tendency to work out, and the best thing you can do in the meantime is be happy with all that you’ve got. I think of the parable of the talents. One approach to life is to be disappointed that somebody with five talents is going about turning them into ten; another is to take the two that you’ve got and make them four. For the latter, importantly, everything that the five-talent person receives is their reward as well.

[MartyFunkhouser]

I agree with what All-American said in his post and my situation was pretty similar in a lot of ways.

I also agree that hearing assurances from people who went through the same problem doesn't solve anything and doesn't really help. There is also a lot of other people that have said thing in this thread that I absolutely agree with. So, I guess I'm going to parrot a couple of things that people have said.

I used to think it was bullshit and you probably think it is bullshit too when I say it, but confidence is the key. One of the most attractive qualities to most women is confidence. This is why you see so much inequity between attractiveness of the men/women in relationships (well that and men are just ugly to begin with). Even if it is fake, you have to portray confidence in your interactions with women. I didn't have much confidence before I met Mrs. Funk. I didn't believe what people told me about girls and confidence.

I met Mrs. Funk and was really interested. So, I decided to take all that advice that I never believed in and fake it. Despite the fact that she was way out of my league and I knew it, I decided to act like she should want to spend time with me. I didn't freak out about the relationship or try to define it. I lived with the fact that she dated other guys early in our courtship, because a girl like that has options. I "lied" to myself over and over that she should want to be with me and that I needed to keep portraying that in my interactions with her. Funny thing happened, I did start to believe it. Also, this is exactly what she wanted. She wanted a guy that felt good about himself and portrayed this in his interaction with her. In short, you absolutely have to be confident in yourself. If you aren't confident in yourself and your relationships, fake it.

Also, as other people have said you have to accept and be cool with your single lifestyle. If you are desperately seeking it is going to sabotage your efforts. Date and look for people, but be happy with where you are at. Girls want to be with a happy person and if you are miserable with where you are at they will sense that. The other thing that I had to shed when I was looking was my depression with being single. I hated myself and hated my situation. When I accepted myself and my situation, I found my wife.

[DU Ute]

this should be a real confidence builder.

That's what I thought. Come on, Babs!

She is right, but she failed to mention that women also love a man who is a bit vulnerable. You can be yourself and get the confidence (stupid) to overcome your fears while still being vulnerable. Recognize the difference and know that you can get past the fear with some work but still be yourself. Women will be throwing themselves at you. Maybe not the Babs of the world, but definitely the babes (not that the two are mutually exclusive).

[frank ryan]

I fear being alone too Maximus but I fear marriage even more. I've seen several bad marriages lately. But I do see some happily married people too.
I think Babs advice is the most sage.

[SoonerCoug]

My advice is to date non-Mormon women for awhile--just for fun.

[jay santos]

Should have married this girl.

http://cougaruteforum.com/showthread.php?t=39009

[Viking]

The more i read AA, the more I like the guy and the more I feel like a douche for attacking him.

[Maximus]

Should have married this girl.

http://cougaruteforum.com/showthread.php?t=39009

Haha unfortunately she broke up with me

[Rosebud]

My advice is to use an online dating service so you find someone you're really compatible with..... beauty and brains don't necessarily equal compatibility.

[Surfah]

My advice is to use an online dating service so you find someone you're really compatible with..... beauty and brains don't necessarily equal compatibility.

When me and Gidget were engaged and househunting/apartment hunting, everyone would ask how we met and I'd say MySpace (I am dating myself here ). Gidget would turn red and explain that I was just joking. And I'd say something like "Honey, it's okay. No need to be embarrassed anymore. Everyone meets online these days. Besides who cares how we met? I only care that I found you." Then I'd try to rub noses with her. It usually made the landlord or property manager as uncomfortable as Gidget.

[RC Vikings]

Start low and work your way up until you get dumped and then move back down to where you were before you got dumped and marry that person or someone very similar to her. This way you can feel comfortable knowing you got as good as you can get.

[UtahDan]

Look at your avatar, now look at your post, now look at your avatar, now look at your post...

[Commando]

My advice is to date non-Mormon women for awhile--just for fun.

This is the fastest way possible to land in the penalty box. Second fastest? Date a solo mom.