Repentance and confession - What would you do?

[cowboy]

I know a guy who was a pretty wild fellow but overall not a bad kid when he was young. He married a non-member just off his mission, and proceeded to have an affair just after he was married. A stupid mistake, and not one that has been repeated.

He felt bad, and went to his bishop, who told him that he had to confess the sin to his wife, and ask her forgiveness as part of the repentance process. He refused, because he knew she'd leave him, and he stopped coming to church.

Fast-forward 10 years. He has just recently started coming to church because his wife is interested in the Church, and she wants to raise her kids in a church. I can't help feeling bad for him and wondering what I'd do in his situation. On one hand, he's guaranteed to lose his wife for eternity - on the other hand, he's pretty sure he'll lose her in this life if he tries to take the steps to be with her in the next.

Would you bite the bullet and fess up, or would you take all the time you could get with her and keep your mouth shut, believing that it's a "death do you part" situation?

[RockyBalboa]

Wouldn't have fessing up in the first place saved him this situation to begin with?

[Tim]

Are you confident that she would leave him now if he confessed to having an affair 10 years ago? Or has he continued to cheat on her over the years?

[CardiacCoug]

He shouldn't tell his wife or anybody else at this point. That would be a very selfish thing to do, in my opinion. He should keep it to himself and let his wife live without that horrible burden of knowing he cheated.

If he's gone ten years without cheating again and his relationship with his wife is good, that's enough repentance in my book. Leave the Church leaders out of it. God will understand.

Does it really make sense that unless Church leaders and his wife hear about his affair, God will not extend his marriage beyond death? Only if you believe in a totally lame, stupid God.

[cowboy]

Are you confident that she would leave him now if he confessed to having an affair 10 years ago? Or has he continued to cheat on her over the years?

Who knows. I'm fairly certain he's kept his nose clean based on outward appearance and the rumor mill, but let's assume for this discussion that he has stayed clean...and I'm pretty sure that's the case.

[Surfah]

He shouldn't tell his wife or anybody else at this point. That would be a very selfish thing to do, in my opinion. He should keep it to himself and let his wife live without that horrible burden of knowing he cheated.

If he's gone ten years without cheating again and his relationship with his wife is good, that's enough repentance in my book. Leave the Church leaders out of it. God will understand.

Does it really make sense that unless Church leaders and his wife hear about his affair, God will not extend his marriage beyond death? Only if you believe in a totally lame, stupid God.

There was a time when I wouldn't agree with this. But now I do.

That said, I believe he should have heeded his Bishop's council to begin with.

Let's say her interest turns into conversion and during that process the wife reveals an indiscretion in her past. Does he then tell her about his?

[YOUTUBE]sRmAyyvAcZY[/YOUTUBE]

[cowboy]

There was a time when I wouldn't agree with this. But now I do.

That said, I believe he should have heeded his Bishop's council to begin with.

Let's say her interest turns into conversion and during that process the wife reveals an indiscretion in her past. Does he then tell her about his?

[YOUTUBE]sRmAyyvAcZY[/YOUTUBE]

I think confession is an important part of the repentance process, but I also think that people make too much of it at times. Ultimately, God is the only one we need to confess all of our sins to - confession to others depends on the circumstance.

My guess is that he is thinking that he will wait until they are old and then unload on her - procrastination is always the easiest option.

BTW, I know about this because he confided in his brother with whom I am friends. We spoke about it more in a "this really sucks" way than a "guess what Johnny did now" way - though we did travel down the gossip trail a little when we talked about how the affairee was the smokin' hot married daughter of another ward's bishop...

[Surfah]

I think confession is an important part of the repentance process, but I also think that people make too much of it at times. Ultimately, God is the only one we need to confess all of our sins to - confession to others depends on the circumstance.

My guess is that he is thinking that he will wait until they are old and then unload on her - procrastination is always the easiest option.

BTW, I know about this because he confided in his brother with whom I am friends. We spoke about it more in a "this really sucks" way than a "guess what Johnny did now" way - though we did travel down the gossip trail a little when we talked about how the affairee was the smokin' hot married daughter of another ward's bishop...

I didn't mean to make light of the situation. In reality this hits much closer to home as I have personally seen infidelity rip families apart. Years later I am still reconciling these issues in my head. I guess that is why I agreed with CardiacCoug's take on this matter also. And now thinking about it some more I am kind of vacillating on that. It's a tough situation.

I don't know that he should wait until they are old and wrinkled. At that point, why say anything at all? I promise that procrastination will not make things easier.

[Goatnapper'96]

I think confession is an important part of the repentance process, but I also think that people make too much of it at times. Ultimately, God is the only one we need to confess all of our sins to - confession to others depends on the circumstance.

My guess is that he is thinking that he will wait until they are old and then unload on her - procrastination is always the easiest option.

BTW, I know about this because he confided in his brother with whom I am friends. We spoke about it more in a "this really sucks" way than a "guess what Johnny did now" way - though we did travel down the gossip trail a little when we talked about how the affairee was the smokin' hot married daughter of another ward's bishop...

That sounds acceptable to me, now on the other hand getting plastered, poaching a deer and then smoking a see-gar after a Super Bowl victory that is the sort of shit that makes my blood boil!

[CardiacCoug]

I think confession is an important part of the repentance process, but I also think that people make too much of it at times. Ultimately, God is the only one we need to confess all of our sins to - confession to others depends on the circumstance.

My guess is that he is thinking that he will wait until they are old and then unload on her - procrastination is always the easiest option.

BTW, I know about this because he confided in his brother with whom I am friends. We spoke about it more in a "this really sucks" way than a "guess what Johnny did now" way - though we did travel down the gossip trail a little when we talked about how the affairee was the smokin' hot married daughter of another ward's bishop...

I think "unload on her" is an appropriate choice of terminology. Especially if it's many years after the fact, I really don't think it's a very nice thing to burden his wife with it just because he wants to "get it of his chest."

It seems illogically superstitious to think that in order to reap a benefit in the next life, God requires that he dredge up all this old stuff that will hurt his marriage and hurt his children right now. You have to have a very strong conviction that the afterlife is exactly the way that orthodox, literally-minded Mormons imagine it to justify hurting your wife and kids like that.

[RC Vikings]

What good does telling a wife about an affair that happened ten years ago do? It won't make her feel any better.

[Surfah]

It seems illogically superstitious to think that in order to reap a benefit in the next life, God requires that he dredge up all this old stuff that will hurt his marriage and hurt his children right now. You have to have a very strong conviction that the afterlife is exactly the way Mormons imagine it to justify hurting your wife and kids like that.

I agree, the difference though is one of those judges in Israel told him to tell his wife initially and he didn't.

Which is an interesting topic in itself. My dad and me have had these conversations before discussing how some guys will heed the counsel of their leaders, go through the repentance process, face disciplinary action while others like Cowboy's friend can withdraw from the church and after a period of time return without incident and all is forgiven. Maybe forgiven is the wrong word, forgotten.

[cowboy]

You have to have a very strong conviction that the afterlife is exactly the way that orthodox, literally-minded Mormons imagine it to justify hurting your wife and kids like that.

It is my personal opinion that we will all be faced with situations that make us question our convictions to the breaking point. Abraham passed that test, but most of us will fail it.

We are honest, chaste, benevolent (pick a virtue) to the point that it begins to matter, and then most of us break. Most of us try to tell the truth all of the time, for example, but we'd all lie in a heartbeat to protect our home and family.

Some of our trials are self-imposed, and others are a test of our mettle. I hope to pass as many of these as possible, and still hold to my convictions, but sometimes I wonder....

[Surfah]

It is my personal opinion that we will all be faced with situations that make us question our convictions to the breaking point. Abraham passed that test, but most of us will fail it.

I believe this as well.

[FN Phat]

Procrastination is the thief of eternal life. My guess that if this is eating at this guy now, after 10 years, how bad will it be in another 10. I think that they both would be better off, in the end, if he reveals to her what has happened. I have witnesssed what an affair does to a family. It is not good. But there is an opportunity to grow from that experience, together. It is a case by case scenario.