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Lawyers profit from divorce, and thus undermine the institution of marriage in both subtle and obvious ways, yet Mormons give birth to lawyers at an alarming rate. This is a dangerous trend that must be reversed.
Perhaps the most obvious way that lawyers undermine marriage are those garish billboards, too often featuring the mustachioed face of some 60' tall mother-scratcher pointing out that you can ditch your marriage for cheap. Would our communities be upset if Dr. Kevorkian were to post billboards near our Jr. High Schools touting 'Suicide, fast cheap and easy, call us today to learn more!'? Of course we would be upset! Yet these mustachioed ass hats threaten the institution of marriage in almost precisely the same way. We have to nip this problem in the bud. Lawyer birth rates are threatening families.
Lawyers threaten families in subtle ways too, and these subtle attacks typically extend to lawyers who don't specialize in facilitating divorce. How so? They dress better than most of the rest of us and parade around in their fineries reminding our spouses of what we will never be. They are like fashion porn, continually setting sartorial standards that mere plebes will never be able to attain. This doesn't hold true for all lucrative professions, for example, doctors can inexplicably be counted on to dress very shabbily. I guess there is just something about lawyer culture that makes one think too much about anti-marriage couture. It has got to stop.
The Mormon church can no longer sit on the fence on this issue. It can no longer simultaneously claim to be a 'family church' while having one of the highest lawyer birth rates of any organized religion in the United States. These two statistic are mutually exclusive. Mormon wombs should be lawyer-free zones. If we can't figure out an in vitro solution to this menace, perhaps the church can set up a baby exchange with some unwitting state. For example, we could probably easily set up a baby exchange with China, where we swap male lawyer babies for female non-lawyer babies. Of course we run the risk of this action being interpreted as an act of war if they were ever to catch on to us... I'm not sure if there is any good solution to this.
Perhaps the most obvious way that lawyers undermine marriage are those garish billboards, too often featuring the mustachioed face of some 60' tall mother-scratcher pointing out that you can ditch your marriage for cheap. Would our communities be upset if Dr. Kevorkian were to post billboards near our Jr. High Schools touting 'Suicide, fast cheap and easy, call us today to learn more!'? Of course we would be upset! Yet these mustachioed ass hats threaten the institution of marriage in almost precisely the same way. We have to nip this problem in the bud. Lawyer birth rates are threatening families.
Lawyers threaten families in subtle ways too, and these subtle attacks typically extend to lawyers who don't specialize in facilitating divorce. How so? They dress better than most of the rest of us and parade around in their fineries reminding our spouses of what we will never be. They are like fashion porn, continually setting sartorial standards that mere plebes will never be able to attain. This doesn't hold true for all lucrative professions, for example, doctors can inexplicably be counted on to dress very shabbily. I guess there is just something about lawyer culture that makes one think too much about anti-marriage couture. It has got to stop.
The Mormon church can no longer sit on the fence on this issue. It can no longer simultaneously claim to be a 'family church' while having one of the highest lawyer birth rates of any organized religion in the United States. These two statistic are mutually exclusive. Mormon wombs should be lawyer-free zones. If we can't figure out an in vitro solution to this menace, perhaps the church can set up a baby exchange with some unwitting state. For example, we could probably easily set up a baby exchange with China, where we swap male lawyer babies for female non-lawyer babies. Of course we run the risk of this action being interpreted as an act of war if they were ever to catch on to us... I'm not sure if there is any good solution to this.
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