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Originally posted by Goatnapper'96
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For Jarid:
My favorite Elder Monsonisms:
1.) He was a district leader in my zone and one of the missionaries was a stereotypical BYU coed whose daddy was a MP in DC South, I believe he took the place of the GA who took the place of Art's horizontal bopping MP, and so she was allowed to go on her mission early. She was batshit crazy and only wanted to get married. However, she was sporting a lil more in the pooper than most fellas want in 21 year ol' something. I mean a lil cushion for the pushin' might appeal in your forties but when they spank that thang in the early 20's they want to see a quarter bounce waist high...I digress. Elder Monson was an uncouth 100% Eastern Utah redneck who had been rode hard with Jarid's clique. He had no time for molly mormons or LDS aristocracy. Especially fat ones who cried alot. One day he had enough of this dear sweet sister and informs her "get the hell away from me ya cow!" To which she responds "since I am not a British girl, I will pretend I don't know what you just said!" To which Monson responds: "Leave me alone, bitch!"
2.) Elder Monson was what one might call a Lion of the Lord. The type of dude who could believe God called those he did not like to cotton growing missions in Moapa. He baptized a gentleman and after the 4th week of the dude not getting the AP, he went entirely bloodshot eyed postal on the Bishop right in the chapel foyer. Members of the ward could not believe the language the Elder used in public. It was one of many visits I made with him to soothe ecclesiastical leadership/missionary relations. How he would chafe when he had to apologize. He later informed me the apologies were insincere, shocking I tell you, and that the only two sincere apologies he gave were to his mother and to some Sister such and such because he and Jarid killed her goat, in a drunken stupor I assume, with a two liter bottle of pepsi, some dry ice and a box of nails.
3.) Later in his mission an AP ordered him to baptize the 10 year old son of a ward mission leader. Monson did not think the lad ready and respectfully declined. The AP announces that and he and his comp will then teach the kid and baptize him. Now the AP was the anti-matter to an Eastern Utah redneck. He had nice suits, soft hands, was born and raised on the Eastern SLC bench and was on a tennis scholarship to the BYU. Elder Monson paused, and then offered this prophecy "if you and your comp do that I will attend the baptism and two of us will go down in the font but only of us will come out. You wanna guess who the two who go down are and who the one that will come out will be?" The AP starts crying and asks if "he had offended Elder Monson in the pre-existence?" To which Curt replies "Dammit you know I can't remember that shit, it this life where you keep pissing me off!"
Save me the comments about handling this message to Jarid via boardmail.
My favorite Elder Monsonisms:
1.) He was a district leader in my zone and one of the missionaries was a stereotypical BYU coed whose daddy was a MP in DC South, I believe he took the place of the GA who took the place of Art's horizontal bopping MP, and so she was allowed to go on her mission early. She was batshit crazy and only wanted to get married. However, she was sporting a lil more in the pooper than most fellas want in 21 year ol' something. I mean a lil cushion for the pushin' might appeal in your forties but when they spank that thang in the early 20's they want to see a quarter bounce waist high...I digress. Elder Monson was an uncouth 100% Eastern Utah redneck who had been rode hard with Jarid's clique. He had no time for molly mormons or LDS aristocracy. Especially fat ones who cried alot. One day he had enough of this dear sweet sister and informs her "get the hell away from me ya cow!" To which she responds "since I am not a British girl, I will pretend I don't know what you just said!" To which Monson responds: "Leave me alone, bitch!"
2.) Elder Monson was what one might call a Lion of the Lord. The type of dude who could believe God called those he did not like to cotton growing missions in Moapa. He baptized a gentleman and after the 4th week of the dude not getting the AP, he went entirely bloodshot eyed postal on the Bishop right in the chapel foyer. Members of the ward could not believe the language the Elder used in public. It was one of many visits I made with him to soothe ecclesiastical leadership/missionary relations. How he would chafe when he had to apologize. He later informed me the apologies were insincere, shocking I tell you, and that the only two sincere apologies he gave were to his mother and to some Sister such and such because he and Jarid killed her goat, in a drunken stupor I assume, with a two liter bottle of pepsi, some dry ice and a box of nails.
3.) Later in his mission an AP ordered him to baptize the 10 year old son of a ward mission leader. Monson did not think the lad ready and respectfully declined. The AP announces that and he and his comp will then teach the kid and baptize him. Now the AP was the anti-matter to an Eastern Utah redneck. He had nice suits, soft hands, was born and raised on the Eastern SLC bench and was on a tennis scholarship to the BYU. Elder Monson paused, and then offered this prophecy "if you and your comp do that I will attend the baptism and two of us will go down in the font but only of us will come out. You wanna guess who the two who go down are and who the one that will come out will be?" The AP starts crying and asks if "he had offended Elder Monson in the pre-existence?" To which Curt replies "Dammit you know I can't remember that shit, it this life where you keep pissing me off!"
Save me the comments about handling this message to Jarid via boardmail.
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