Soccer Mom's thread grabbed my attention.

[Tick's wife]

I feel that same...that is probably y I m having such a hard time right now. I am always asking myself "what is wrong with me?" and thinking why didn't I feel the spirit...

[wuapinmon]

Knowing that I'm not the "only one."

Not the only one that doesn't "just love going to the Temple."

Not the only one that is bored by the 3 hour block. Not the only one that goes home from the 3 hour block MORE tired then when I arrived.

Not the only one that doesn't go to the temple regularly.

Not the only one that doesn't get great inspiration from reading a book over and over again.

Not the only one that has a hard time saying "I KNOW" when sharing a testimony...finding I "believe" or I "hope" to be more honest.

I get to the point, a lot of times, where I just start to think, "What is WRONG with me???" When I hear someone going on and on about how much they love the temple. Or when I hear them saying that they never feel any closer to God then in the Temple. Or how strong the Spirit was in a meeting...a meeting in which I was really trying to feel or learn something but came away...well, empty.

I was in the tiny New Orleans Uptown Branch pre-Katrina and the combined NOLA 1st Branch post-K. We lived there five years and we loved it. It wasn't a feigned love......we got the place. We love it. We want to be there right now, though the crime and storms make us not want to live there anymore. There were lots of people who didn't like it there. They viewed their time in the Big Easy as something to be endured; that they were doing us a favor by choosing Tulane or LSU for med/law/PhD school. For the most part the husbands studied and the wives stayed home with the kids. Most of the ones that hated the place lived out in the suburbs, though some would show up because they didn't read the ward boundaries right and rented in Gentilly Ridge, which was our branch, but Gentilly was the 1st Ward--they stayed a year and then bid us a tearful goodbye as they white-flighted their asses to the suburbs. We heard racist asides all the time from the suburbanites (e.g. "I won't go Uptown at night; it's full of black people. I don't feel safe"). And then, because we were a little branch, these same people would get called into Stake Presidencies.....YM, YW, Primary, RS, etc. They would attend our ward sometimes and speak. When it was their last time visiting before their husbands or they graduated and moved away, we'd hear their mission farewell talks. They would stand at the front of the chapel (there is no stand) and cry and say how much they had grown to love the place and the people and blah blah blah. They were full of shit and we all knew it. My point, some people are sincere, but many people lie and overcompensate because they feel just what you feel....oftentimes, nothing. That's not to say that people who claim what you've said are lying, but like Macbeth, sometimes people protest too much.

Does anyone else feel this way? I guess some of you do. I just get tired of going to Church meetings and hearing other people's glowing reviews of the scriptures, or the Temple and wondering why, if I am TRYING, do i not have the same experience.

It's because you are dead inside. Repent. Kidding.

Well, this is a rambling post. Not a good debut for me in "The Foyer." It's to be expected, I suppose. I am not as erudite as others. My vocabulary is not as polished. I am not a wordsmith. My views and opinions flow from observation and emotions, not from deep seated understanding of the great philosophers or authors.

I guess, I just "am." It's good to know that there are others who, like me, want to be part of the Church, and just "are."

Your experiences and responses are what matter. If you understand something, you can use it to embellish your ideas, but if your audience doesn't get the reference, it's not as satisfying. Welcome to the board!

[Portland Ute]

To be clear, Jarid, I don't recall anyone ever telling me how I should feel. Rather, I hear so many others sharing how THEY feel, that I start to believe that's how I should feel.

Does that make sense?

This all on top of the fact that I am not blessed to have great, unwavering, unquestioning, "ROCK SOLID" faith. I have hope. I have beliefs.

I also have other things that I just don't believe, that probably would make many of my local leaders uncomfortable. Like what I mentioned about the garment. Or, that I actually feel closer to God...feel more peace...more inspiration sitting on the shore of Temple Lake in the Wind Rivers than I do at the Temple called Jordan River.

That's the struggle. I mean, to be quite honest, I have had doubts about just about everything. Right down to the "BIG ONE": Are there really a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother? Sometimes it seems very clear to me that, yes, there are. Other times, it's not so clear.

I ask myself constantly WHY do I struggle so much? Which, in turn, causes stress.

And as was mentioned in Soccermom's thread, (by whom, I can't remember), most anyone you talk to is not going to be able to help. IN fact, you run the risk of being an outcast: "Oh, we need to get him out of Young Men's. We can't have him in such an important role with the youth. We need someone with a strong testimony."

Ugh.

[il Padrino Ute]

This is an excellent post, Port. Thanks for sharing.

I think you'll find that you are in the majority here as it pertains to a lot of the things you posted. This is a forum where most feel comfortable being themselves.

[Jarid in Cedar]

Great post. This forum is a great place to vent, ramble, question, learn, etc.

Reading your words it seems that you are most frustrated by not "feeling" things the way people tell you they do. My experience is some(not all) of the people who have glowing reviews and say things that of that vein are trying to "fake it til they make it". They think they are supposed to feel that way so they keep saying it hoping they will eventually feel that way for real. I personally struggled with that until I realized that my experience is mine and only mine. It is to be as good as I need it to be, not as good as others say it should be.

I don't want anyone to think that I am discounting the strong feelings of the spirit that they have experienced. Good for them. I am simply saying that the feelings that you have are more important than the feelings that you "should have".

[RobinFinderson]

I appreciate her post and most of the replies to it.

I, like most here, am LDS. I'm 34. I'm finding as life progresses that things aren't quite as tidy as I once believed them to be at the age of 19-21.

I rarely post on this forum, much less in the "The Foyer", but I have to admit that there is some degree of comfort that comes from hearing other people struggle. Knowing that I'm not the "only one."

Not the only one that doesn't "just love going to the Temple."

Not the only one that is bored by the 3 hour block. Not the only one that goes home from the 3 hour block MORE tired then when I arrived.

Not the only one that doesn't go to the temple regularly.

Not the only one that doesn't get great inspiration from reading a book over and over again.

Not the only one that has a hard time saying "I KNOW" when sharing a testimony...finding I "believe" or I "hope" to be more honest.

Not the only one that doesn't believe that falling asleep at night after "physical acts of love" without the garment is not a one way ticket to a fiery hell.

I guess you get my point. This post is a bit cathartic. To be honest, this is really the first time I've shared a lot of these thoughts with anyone, for many of the reasons stated in that thread started by Soccermom.

I get to the point, a lot of times, where I just start to think, "What is WRONG with me???" When I hear someone going on and on about how much they love the temple. Or when I hear them saying that they never feel any closer to God then in the Temple. Or how strong the Spirit was in a meeting...a meeting in which I was really trying to feel or learn something but came away...well, empty.

Does anyone else feel this way? I guess some of you do. I just get tired of going to Church meetings and hearing other people's glowing reviews of the scriptures, or the Temple and wondering why, if I am TRYING, do i not have the same experience.

I feel love. I feel warmth when I serve an am served. That's really it. It's what I hang onto for dear life. Really, the times when I am most touched at church, or anywhere, are the times when I hear of people reaching out to people and making a difference. But, like someone mentioned, it seems like the more I *think*, the less I feel.

Well, this is a rambling post. Not a good debut for me in "The Foyer." It's to be expected, I suppose. I am not as erudite as others. My vocabulary is not as polished. I am not a wordsmith. My views and opinions flow from observation and emotions, not from deep seated understanding of the great philosophers or authors.

I guess, I just "am." It's good to know that there are others who, like me, want to be part of the Church, and just "are."

Nice post Portland. Very brave. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. These feelings are 100% normal, and I hope it brings you some peace to know that you are not at all alone in feeling this way. To serve and be served, or to love and be loved, are two ways of saying the same thing. It is really what life is all about. That is the one true iron rod, and if you realize that, you are ahead in the game. Best wishes.

[Portland Ute]

I appreciate her post and most of the replies to it.

I, like most here, am LDS. I'm 34. I'm finding as life progresses that things aren't quite as tidy as I once believed them to be at the age of 19-21.

I rarely post on this forum, much less in the "The Foyer", but I have to admit that there is some degree of comfort that comes from hearing other people struggle. Knowing that I'm not the "only one."

Not the only one that doesn't "just love going to the Temple."

Not the only one that is bored by the 3 hour block. Not the only one that goes home from the 3 hour block MORE tired then when I arrived.

Not the only one that doesn't go to the temple regularly.

Not the only one that doesn't get great inspiration from reading a book over and over again.

Not the only one that has a hard time saying "I KNOW" when sharing a testimony...finding I "believe" or I "hope" to be more honest.

Not the only one that doesn't believe that falling asleep at night after "physical acts of love" without the garment is not a one way ticket to a fiery hell.

I guess you get my point. This post is a bit cathartic. To be honest, this is really the first time I've shared a lot of these thoughts with anyone, for many of the reasons stated in that thread started by Soccermom.

I get to the point, a lot of times, where I just start to think, "What is WRONG with me???" When I hear someone going on and on about how much they love the temple. Or when I hear them saying that they never feel any closer to God then in the Temple. Or how strong the Spirit was in a meeting...a meeting in which I was really trying to feel or learn something but came away...well, empty.

Does anyone else feel this way? I guess some of you do. I just get tired of going to Church meetings and hearing other people's glowing reviews of the scriptures, or the Temple and wondering why, if I am TRYING, do i not have the same experience.

I feel love. I feel warmth when I serve and am served. That's really it. It's what I hang onto for dear life. Really, the times when I am most touched at church, or anywhere, are the times when I hear of people reaching out to people and making a difference. But, like someone mentioned, it seems like the more I *think*, the less I feel.

Well, this is a rambling post. Not a good debut for me in "The Foyer." It's to be expected, I suppose. I am not as erudite as others. My vocabulary is not as polished. I am not a wordsmith. My views and opinions flow from observation and emotions, not from deep seated understanding of the great philosophers or authors.

I guess, I just "am." It's good to know that there are others who, like me, want to be part of the Church, and just "are."