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Thread: Zero-hour church

  1. #1

    Default Zero-hour church

    If two-hour church is better than three-hour church, just imagine how exciting zero-hour church could be!

    President Nelson is your Gorbachev, and this is your perestroika. We should all celebrate.
    Last edited by ByronMarchant; 10-06-2018 at 08:40 PM.

  2. #2
    My Mic Sounds Nice falafel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ByronMarchant View Post
    If two-hour church is better than three-hour church, just imagine how exciting zero-hour church could be!

    President Nelson is your Gorbachev, and this is your perestroika. We should all celebrate.
    Zero hour church is no church. Zero multiplied by anything is zero. As a scientist, I'm surprised you didn't know that.
    Ain't it like most people, I'm no different. We love to talk on things we don't know about.

    "The only one of us who is so significant that Jeff owes us something simply because he decided to grace us with his presence is falafel." -- All-American

    GIVE 'EM HELL, BRIGHAM!

  3. #3

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    I keep hearing my exmo friends (in sooner's case, relatives) making similar comments- problem is, i like church- that is why i attend. I'd rather 3 hours than zero hours. But 2 hours is the sweet spot. Even 1 hour would be too short.
    I'm like LeBron James.
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    One man.....one pie Moliere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokymountainrain View Post
    I keep hearing my exmo friends (in sooner's case, relatives) making similar comments- problem is, i like church- that is why i attend. I'd rather 3 hours than zero hours. But 2 hours is the sweet spot. Even 1 hour would be too short.


    It’s typical of exmos like Byron to assume that what they want is what everyone wants. That’s why they are wrong so often.
    "Discipleship is not a spectator sport. We cannot expect to experience the blessing of faith by standing inactive on the sidelines any more than we can experience the benefits of health by sitting on a sofa watching sporting events on television and giving advice to the athletes. And yet for some, “spectator discipleship” is a preferred if not primary way of worshipping." -Pres. Uchtdorf

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    вот так штука CardiacCoug's Avatar
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    I agree that 2 hour church is the sweet spot particularly for the elderly and parents of small kids. Two-hour church makes it a lot more palatable to tack on ward choir or another meeting before or after the block as well.

    Clearly there will also be huge savings in the number of church buildings that need to be constructed/maintained although that I’m sure was not the main motivation for this.

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    Time to camp HuskyFreeNorthwest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokymountainrain View Post
    I keep hearing my exmo friends (in sooner's case, relatives) making similar comments- problem is, i like church- that is why i attend. I'd rather 3 hours than zero hours. But 2 hours is the sweet spot. Even 1 hour would be too short.
    I believe you mean ex-Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saintians.
    Get confident, stupid
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  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by HuskyFreeNorthwest View Post
    I believe you mean ex-Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saintians.
    I like the effort, and it is very original. But it sounds a little too close to Santiam

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    Quote Originally Posted by HuskyFreeNorthwest View Post
    I believe you mean ex-Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saintians.
    exactly what i meant!
    I'm like LeBron James.
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  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by HuskyFreeNorthwest View Post
    I believe you mean ex-Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saintians.
    i for one appreciate that your commitment to making jesus happy and satan sad exceeds your hesitance to offend.
    Te Occidere Possunt Sed Te Edere Non Possunt Nefas Est.

  10. #10

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    I sometimes look at unfamiliar thread titles and guess the author before clicking on it. I’m batting 1.000 with Byron’s threads.
    A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. - Mohammad Ali

  11. #11

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    BM, if the church is so awful, then there must be a better alternative, and you must have found it. Tell us what you've done with the three hours and 10% pay increase to make people's lives better. Mind you, these must be mutually exclusive; service that would/could be done and still be a TR-holding member don't count.

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    Local Character clackamascoug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Northwestcoug View Post
    I like the effort, and it is very original. But it sounds a little too close to Santiam
    Nah... I'll give him a pass on that one.

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  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboy View Post
    BM, if the church is so awful, then there must be a better alternative, and you must have found it. Tell us what you've done with the three hours and 10% pay increase to make people's lives better. Mind you, these must be mutually exclusive; service that would/could be done and still be a TR-holding member don't count.
    Cowboy:

    You do not really know me or what I do.

    You do not know how I donate my time to others or where my money and time have gone.

    You do not know whose lives I have affected or how.

    And I will pray in my closet (figuratively).

  14. #14
    Major disappointment The_Tick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ByronMarchant View Post
    Cowboy:

    You do not really know me or what I do.

    You do not know how I donate my time to others or where my money and time have gone.

    You do not know whose lives I have affected or how.

    And I will pray in my closet (figuratively).
    How’s your Social Media fast go?

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    Senior Member myboynoah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ByronMarchant View Post
    Cowboy:

    You do not really know me or what I do.

    You do not know how I donate my time to others or where my money and time have gone.

    You do not know whose lives I have affected or how.

    And I will pray in my closet (figuratively).
    Ummm, what don't you understand about "Tell us what you've done with the three hours and 10% pay increase to make people's lives better."?

    cowboy is asking you to tell us more about you. Like how you donate your time to others and where your money and time have gone, and like whose lives you have affected and how.
    Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

    For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still.

    Not long ago an obituary appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune that said the recently departed had "died doing what he enjoyed most—watching BYU lose."

  16. #16

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    Would any BYU fan here be excited if they announced that BYU football games would all be cut short at halftime?

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    Major disappointment The_Tick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ByronMarchant View Post
    Would any BYU fan here be excited if they announced that BYU football games would all be cut short at halftime?
    Depends on how the 1st half went...

    Also...don't be dumb.

  18. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by ByronMarchant View Post
    Would any BYU fan here be excited if they announced that BYU football games would all be cut short at halftime?
    now that church is at it's sweet spot of 2 hours, i would be disappointed if it were cut short half way through.

    but to answer your question, no, as a fan i would not be disappointed if football games only lasted 2 hours rather than dragging on for 3 hours as per usual - would be a dream to avoid all those commercial breaks. hell, i'd be able to watch a lot more live games rather than on DVR (thereby decreasing the time myself) as i do for 80% of the games i watch.
    I'm like LeBron James.
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  19. #19

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    Quote Originally Posted by smokymountainrain View Post
    but to answer your question, no, as a fan i would not be disappointed if football games only lasted 2 hours rather than dragging on for 3 hours as per usual - would be a dream to avoid all those commercial breaks. hell, i'd be able to watch a lot more live games rather than on DVR (thereby decreasing the time myself) as i do for 80% of the games i watch.

    I think last season division I passed the four hour mark for the median game length. Crazy. I have no idea what relevance this has for Sacrament, but the football games are way too long.

  20. #20

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    Quote Originally Posted by Babs View Post
    I think last season division I passed the four hour mark for the median game length. Crazy. I have no idea what relevance this has for Sacrament, but the football games are way too long.
    probably none, ftr. but i will occasionally attempt to humor BM.

    also, 4 hours is crazy. i'm at a point where pretty much the only college football i don't watch taped is BYU.
    Last edited by Jeff Lebowski; 10-19-2018 at 09:12 AM.
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    Peanut Gallery Asshat HBCoug's Avatar
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    I think BM is trying to say that football is way more awesome than church! If football were cut in half, you guys would be super bummed out. But now that church has been reduced by a third, you guys are super psyched! Ergo: > Church x (2/3) > Church

  22. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by Babs View Post
    I think last season division I passed the four hour mark for the median game length. Crazy. I have no idea what relevance this has for Sacrament, but the football games are way too long.
    Sacrament is going to be more Christ-based, and slightly shorter.

    If football broadcasts became more football-based, I have no doubt they would be shorter too.

  23. #23

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    Quote Originally Posted by LVAllen View Post
    If football became more football-based,
    But then how would you know which digital Cosmo is hiding the ball or whether the freshman co-ed will win 10 grand for kicking an extra point?? (Hint: it's always #3, and no, she won't win the $.)

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    Huge Member BigPiney's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LVAllen View Post
    Sacrament is going to be more Christ-based, and slightly shorter.

    If football broadcasts became more football-based, I have no doubt they would be shorter too.
    I hate watching NFL games. there is a kick off. then 3 minutes of commercials. Then the offense takes the field. I think they only dont do the commercial break after kick offs within the last 2 minutes of each half. But of course you have the 2 minute warning which is a 3 minute commercial break.

    Both the pro and college games could be a lot shorter without a reduction in actual play.

  25. #25
    The dude abides Jeff Lebowski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigPiney View Post
    I hate watching NFL games. there is a kick off. then 3 minutes of commercials. Then the offense takes the field. I think they only dont do the commercial break after kick offs within the last 2 minutes of each half. But of course you have the 2 minute warning which is a 3 minute commercial break.

    Both the pro and college games could be a lot shorter without a reduction in actual play.
    It is fun to watch a HS football game just to be reminded how wonderful it is without all the commercial breaks.
    "There is no creature more arrogant than a self-righteous libertarian on the web, am I right? Those folks are just intolerable."
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  26. #26

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    A cricket match can last for days. I think this is because cricket fans can't get enough of cricket.

    Speaking of which, will the CK be sort of like eternal church? Or will there be some secular activities available? I would strongly dislike heaven if it is mostly a religious experience to be there.

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    lollygagger hostile's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ByronMarchant View Post
    A cricket match can last for days. I think this is because cricket fans can't get enough of cricket.

    Speaking of which, will the CK be sort of like eternal church? Or will there be some secular activities available? I would strongly dislike heaven if it is mostly a religious experience to be there.
    Cricket takes breaks for tea and lunch. Maybe those will happen in the CK as well.
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    The dude abides Jeff Lebowski's Avatar
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    Lol. Cricket sucks.
    "There is no creature more arrogant than a self-righteous libertarian on the web, am I right? Those folks are just intolerable."
    "It's no secret that the great American pastime is no longer baseball. Now it's sanctimony." -- Guy Periwinkle, The Nix.
    "Juilliardk N I ibuprofen Hyu I U unhurt u" - creekster

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    It is NOT a monkey! creekster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokymountainrain View Post
    probably none, ftr. but i will occasionally attempt to humor BM.

    also, 4 hours is crazy. i'm at a point where pretty much the only college football i don't watch taped is BYU.
    When I was a kid BYU was one of the only teams that passed a lot and, as a result, BYU games tended to go close to 4 hours then and other games were three plays, a cloud of dust, and always much shorter. Fans of other schools always used to complain about the length of BYU games. On the few times that BYU was actually on TV, the allotted time slot was almost always too short. Now passing a lot is the norm and BYU runs more often, making its games of more typical duration, but I am still devoted to the team. So it goes with Church, I think.
    PLesa excuse the tpyos.

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    It is NOT a monkey! creekster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ByronMarchant View Post
    A cricket match can last for days. I think this is because cricket fans can't get enough of cricket.

    Speaking of which, will the CK be sort of like eternal church? Or will there be some secular activities available? I would strongly dislike heaven if it is mostly a religious experience to be there.
    Aside from the rather silly cricket analogy (surely this can't be the evidence of 'smart guy' posting, can it?), your second paragraph is sort of interesting in its typically misguided premise. First, if the church is true and the CK is a thing, I don't think there is much risk you will have to worry about how one spends time there. But I could be wrong about that. Second, whatever it is like, it will all be different than our existence here and we likely won't care about any of the things that we do now. For example, the secular/religious dichotomy will no longer exist. I should put this in the pet peeve thread, I guess, because it is one of mine.
    PLesa excuse the tpyos.

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