Jokes

[Surfah]

What do you call a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet.

What does Snoop use to get his clothers clean? Bleatch.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Imup. Imup who? You are, gross! (primary kids love that one)

That knock knock joke reminded me of my favorite one.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Me ma. Me ma who? My 5 year old thinks that's the greatest joke in the world.

[MarkGrace]

That knock knock joke reminded me of my favorite one.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Me ma. Me ma who? My 5 year old thinks that's the greatest joke in the world.

ha. Your 5 year old has the cultural insight to make that joke funny. If I were to tell that to my primary they'd just look at me weird.

[MarkGrace]

That knock knock joke reminded me of my favorite one.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Me ma. Me ma who? My 5 year old thinks that's the greatest joke in the world.

When we were little my cousin used to tell this joke about a guy sitting down to dinner with his wife. Can't remember how the thing goes, but he says "pass the sugar, sugar"..."pass the honey, honey"..."pass the kalua, pig!"

My cousin thought that was the funniest thing in the world.

[Katy Lied]

That knock knock joke reminded me of my favorite one.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Me ma. Me ma who? My 5 year old thinks that's the greatest joke in the world.

I used to think that was funny when I was about 5.


Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"


Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender say, "how about a tall one?" Descartes says, "I think not." And then he disappears.

[Devildog]

Give me your best ones.

Don't think that would be appropriate (or even appreciated) on this forum.

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge sink hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.

I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Devildog]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?' The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

[SuperGabers]

Knock. Knock.

Who's there?

Freep.

Freep who?

He. He. He.


Knock. Knock.

Who's there?

Smell mop.

Smell mop who?

[Devildog]

Susie Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
cuz Joe is yo' half-brother!"

So Susie forgot about her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half-brother."

But Mama knew and said "Honey Child,
Do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
you ain't no kin to Pappy!"

[wuapinmon]

I heard these a long time ago, and they're groan inducing, but if you know how to spin a tale, you make people laugh.

Quasimodo died, and all of Paris was mournful since they had lost the best campanologist that the City of Light had ever known. The archbishop of Notre Dame (if he's only a bishop, I don't care, Moliere) was saddened, but he knew that the stars continued their circuit around the Earth, so he must find a new one.

Well, a little while after the call had gone out, a man showed up for the job. He had no arms, and so the archbishop dismissed him. But, he was persistent, and they couldn't find anyone who could make the bells peal the way they did before. The man stayed around, begging for a chance, until finally the archbishop relented, and climbed to the belfry with him, because he wanted to see how a man lacking two members was going to do the job. Well, the man got back against the edge of the belfry and ran at the bell as fast as he could, and smacked his face hard into the bell, and the sound was incredible: rich tones, a strong vibrato, and a lengthy ring. When the sound had faded, the ageing curate asked the man to ring the hour, 3 o'clock, and if it sounded the same, he would have the job. He ran, and hit the bell with his face, DONG.

DONG.

DONG. only on the third time, he slipped and fell to his death. The archbishop, overwhelmed with shock and grief raced down to the plaza to the growing crowd. The people were amazed at how well the bells had been rung, and someone asked the archbishop what the deceased's name was. He responded, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."


WAIT!

There's more

The next day, a man showed up claiming to be the brother of the deceased. He asked that he be allowed to ring the bell once to honor his fallen brother. In a fit of guilt, the archbishop said yes, and climbed to the belfry again. The brother got back against the wall, assuring the archbishop that all would be well, and he ran and knocked his face against the bell...DONG

DONG

DONG

DONG

(the sound was amazing)

DONG

DONG

DONG

(a crowd began to gather to see by whom the bell tolled)

DONG

DONG

DONG

DONG

and again, the man slipped and fell to his death. Not believing what he had just seen, the archbishop raced downstairs, and again, someone asked who had made the bells ring like that. He responded, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[SuperGabers]

I heard these a long time ago, and they're groan inducing, but if you know how to spin a tale, you make people laugh.

Quasimodo died, and all of Paris was mournful since they had lost the best campanologist that the City of Light had ever known. The archbishop of Notre Dame (if he's only a bishop, I don't care, Moliere) was saddened, but he knew that the stars continued their circuit around the Earth, so he must find a new one.

Well, a little while after the call had gone out, a man showed up for the job. He had no arms, and so the archbishop dismissed him. But, he was persistent, and they couldn't find anyone who could make the bells peal the way they did before. The man stayed around, begging for a chance, until finally the archbishop relented, and climbed to the belfry with him, because he wanted to see how a man lacking two members was going to do the job. Well, the man got back against the edge of the belfry and ran at the bell as fast as he could, and smacked his face hard into the bell, and the sound was incredible: rich tones, a strong vibrato, and a lengthy ring. When the sound had faded, the ageing curate asked the man to ring the hour, 3 o'clock, and if it sounded the same, he would have the job. He ran, and hit the bell with his face, DONG.

DONG.

DONG. only on the third time, he slipped and fell to his death. The archbishop, overwhelmed with shock and grief raced down to the plaza to the growing crowd. The people were amazed at how well the bells had been rung, and someone asked the archbishop what the deceased's name was. He responded, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."


WAIT!

There's more

The next day, a man showed up claiming to be the brother of the deceased. He asked that he be allowed to ring the bell once to honor his fallen brother. In a fit of guilt, the archbishop said yes, and climbed to the belfry again. The brother got back against the wall, assuring the archbishop that all would be well, and he ran and knocked his face against the bell...DONG

DONG

DONG

DONG

(the sound was amazing)

DONG

DONG

DONG

(a crowd began to gather to see by whom the bell tolled)

DONG

DONG

DONG

DONG

and again, the man slipped and fell to his death. Not believing what he had just seen, the archbishop raced downstairs, and again, someone asked who had made the bells ring like that. He responded, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I wish I had some rotten banana peels to throw at you.

[Devildog]

Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,

then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps

onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,

sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at Jim, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

Jim says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!" "Yeah,

that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim,

"He eats everything in sight, the little pig, Sorry,

I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his

monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey

starts running around the bar again.

While Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino

cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,

pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies Jim.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball,

he measures everything first."

[Devildog]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'

So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

[LiveCoug]

The only Chuck Norris joke I ever laughed at:

Chuck Norris challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won.... by 5.

[Devildog]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new
milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in
Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you
non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at
the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk.

When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole
is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is
selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try
again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion
with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the
cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his
neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at
dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see
vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow
in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about
his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did
you know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'

[Devildog]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew

that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch

them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his

colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio

thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than

satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured

a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she

dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to

the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King

and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would

cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of

Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to

their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching

powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick

worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The

Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and

hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio

demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now

satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could

never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get

lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching

powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............







Pay your bills.