Why do you or yours hate Mother's Day

[marsupial]

I agree with some of this, but disagree with some. First off, it isn't just the holiday itself that is making them feel guilty, the holiday just reminds them of their guilt (and sometimes reinforces it).

Pride may have something to do with it, but I think more of it is due to things like:

• Girls are taught from a young age that being a mother is the most important job of their lives.
• There is a long list of things that we are supposed to do, which not a single person does perfectly. I think this message, that "No one does all of this 100% of the time", has been better publicized over time, but it still gets ignored sometimes, especially on Mother's Day
• We are implicitely (and sometimes explicitly) taught that if we do all the things we are supposed to do, then our kids will turn out good, will go on missions, will marry in the temple, and will have strong testimonies.

So if a mother has been taught these things her whole life, and one of her kids losses his testimony and doesn't go on a mission, what will she logically think? She knows she hasen't done everything she was supposed to do (because no one does), so it is easy for her to feel that she bears some responsibility for whatever bad things happen. Mother's Day at church can be hard because the people talking at church all appear to be people who are strong and have good testimonies, and they generally spend their time talking about how perfect their mothers' were, so it just reinforces the idea that your kids didn't turn out like this because you weren't as good as that mother (or, for the younger parents, because you aren't as good as that mother, your kids won't turn out like that).

I'd like to think that by the time my children are adults, they will be able to, with enough notice and preparation, come up with 10 to 15 minutes worth of material on why I am a good mom for a Sacrament meeting talk. I realize that they could just as easily come up with 10 to 15 minutes (or more) of material on why I suck as a mother, too. I assume that the moms being heralded in the talks on Mother's Day are probably like me, and that for every inspiring story told there is the untold times when she lost her patience, forgot an important event, or spent too much time on sports message boards.

[Jacob]

I'd like to think that by the time my children are adults, they will be able to, with enough notice and preparation, come up with 10 to 15 minutes worth of material on why I am a good mom for a Sacrament meeting talk. I realize that they could just as easily come up with 10 to 15 minutes (or more) of material on why I suck as a mother, too. I assume that the moms being heralded in the talks on Mother's Day are probably like me, and that for every inspiring story told there is the untold times when she lost her patience, forgot an important event, or spent too much time on sports message boards.

Good point. I've never suspected that any mother spoken of in sacrament was perfect.

I suspect that this "Mormon Mothers' guilt" that is being discussed is not all-that-common.

[Clark Addison]

I'd like to think that by the time my children are adults, they will be able to, with enough notice and preparation, come up with 10 to 15 minutes worth of material on why I am a good mom for a Sacrament meeting talk. I realize that they could just as easily come up with 10 to 15 minutes (or more) of material on why I suck as a mother, too. I assume that the moms being heralded in the talks on Mother's Day are probably like me, and that for every inspiring story told there is the untold times when she lost her patience, forgot an important event, or spent too much time on sports message boards.

Logically, I think everyone gets this, but is religious guilt always logically based?

Good point. I've never suspected that any mother spoken of in sacrament was perfect.

I suspect that this "Mormon Mothers' guilt" that is being discussed is not all-that-common.

I suspect that it is quite common, but my opinion, as yours, may be completely off.

[Jacob]

I suspect that it is quite common, but my opinion, as yours, may be completely off.

Yep, I could be wrong. I'm only basing this off of my own experience and people I know. I think these people are pretty typical Mormons, but maybe they are not. Anyway, I'm not aware of a lot of this Mormon Guilt, or Motherly Guilt. Maybe all the people I know are just super-moms. But they are not. Now that I think of it, the super-moms may be the ones' harboring this quilt. The more normal moms I know are not.

We actually had an EQ lesson on this Sunday, so I know it does exist. The recently called high councilor kept telling us how he's not perfect and how he's not as spiritual as he probably should be. He made a bad analogy to the time value of money and compound interest and all the spirituality he's lost by not investing in enough chapters of scripture-reading in days past. He tried to get us all to consider our own pathetic (not his word) level of spirituality. But I really don't think he really feels that bad. It's just something that is now motivating him to action.

Personally, I'm felling pretty good about my level of spirituality, though I'm sure I don't put in as much effort in scripture-reading or other churchiness as that guy.

[Goatnapper'96]

Is there another parallel? Do we hate 4th of July because it makes us feel guilty about how patriotic we are?

Yes, patriotic fervor is offensive to others if they can be convinced that the international community does not approve of American demonstrations of their own exceptionalism.

[Goatnapper'96]

I've learned over the past several years how many Mormon women dislike Mother's Day. I'm sure the reasons are varied. Since I will be speaking for the 5th consecutive year on Mommy Dearest Day, I would like to hear what others dislike, or like, about the second Sunday in May.

For Mrs. V, the worst is hearing talks or lessons about how perfect someone's mom or wife is. It makes her feel very guilty and inadequate.

Maybee you should talk about guilt since that it is an issue with your flock. Make an effort to get them to see the good in themselves and view the atonement as something positive that allows us all to become what we want to become.

If you are not comfortable with that, I can give you some notes about fake hooters. I don't know how the womenfolk would feel, but I am thinking the menfolk would vote you to make a guest appearance on fathers day!

[SportUTE]

My heart aches for the 4-5 women in our ward that can't have children of their own for medical reasons or are single. One in particular would always skip it, saying she was on-call (pediatric intensive care nurse).

I think the church exaggerates the parents role in their children's outcomes, which takes deep roots and doesn't go away. My MIL is always weepy on Mother's Day. One of her seven children has been a source of guilt for 25+ years from drug use and general douchebagery.

[Jacob]

I think the church exaggerates the parents role in their children's outcomes, which takes deep roots and doesn't go away. My MIL is always weepy on Mother's Day. One of her seven children has been a source of guilt for 25+ years from drug use and general douchebagery.

Certainly does. I can't believe some people still believe the old proverb "Teach a child the way they should go and they will never depart from it." Everybody knows examples of the contrary occuring.

All these guilty parents should read Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think which goes into the very small effect parents have on their childrens' outcomes.

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Selfish-Reasons-Have-More-Kids/dp/046501867X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1304374861&sr=1-1-spell"]Amazon.com: Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think (9780465018673): Bryan Caplan: Books@@AMEPARAM@@http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41KTXHmJjhL.@@AMEPARAM@@41KTXHmJjhL[/ame]

[Green Monstah]

My stepmother pretends to hate it as a way to get attention. The poor woman is an attention blackhole. She'll carry on about what a horrible mother she is (actually, she's an excellent mother; unfortunately (for me), she also happens to be the world's shittiest stepmother), and inevitably, everyone showers her with the attention and affirmation she needs to continue her somewhat complex, miserable existence.

[il Padrino Ute]

I'd like to think that by the time my children are adults, they will be able to, with enough notice and preparation, come up with 10 to 15 minutes worth of material on why I am a good mom for a Sacrament meeting talk. I realize that they could just as easily come up with 10 to 15 minutes (or more) of material on why I suck as a mother, too. I assume that the moms being heralded in the talks on Mother's Day are probably like me, and that for every inspiring story told there is the untold times when she lost her patience, forgot an important event, or spent too much time on sports message boards.

I'm sure they'll be able to come up with many, many reasons why you were a great mother when they speak at your funeral.

[KillerDog]

My Mother in Law hates Mothers Day because she wants everyone to think of that awesome thing she would like to do/eat/get/hear and present it to her on Mother's Day. Unfortunately, she doesn't know what that amazingly life altering thing is that she would like to do/eat/get/hear but she'll realize what "it" is when she does it/eats it/gets it/and hears it. Unfortunately, it is impossible to meet such expectations and her children don't love her because they fail at meeting her expectations every year. Thus, she hates Mother's Day every year until about two weeks before Mother's Day when her irrational expectation takes over again.

[Lost Student]

Certainly does. I can't believe some people still believe the old proverb "Teach a child the way they should go and they will never depart from it." Everybody knows examples of the contrary occuring.

All these guilty parents should read Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think which goes into the very small effect parents have on their childrens' outcomes.

Amazon.com: Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think (9780465018673): Bryan Caplan: Books

That book looks pretty interesting. At least the reviews made it sound like it. Where did you hear about it and would you also recommend it to non-guilty parents?

To answer the OP, the thing about M-day that bugs me is the name--it's not descriptive enough to include all expected activities. My wife seems to think that it's called mother/wife/daughter/grandmother/etc. day.

[FMCoug]

I take exception to this. I hate everything and everyone. I am not a bigot nor a respecter of persons.

[marsupial]

That book looks pretty interesting. At least the reviews made it sound like it. Where did you hear about it and would you also recommend it to non-guilty parents?

To answer the OP, the thing about M-day that bugs me is the name--it's not descriptive enough to include all expected activities. My wife seems to think that it's called mother/wife/daughter/grandmother/etc. day.

It's just your mother and the mother of your children day. Grandmothers also should be recognized, but the main focus is mom, and mom of your kids.

[SCcoug]

To answer the OP, the thing about M-day that bugs me is the name--it's not descriptive enough to include all expected activities. My wife seems to think that it's called mother/wife/daughter/grandmother/etc. day.

My parents are the same way. My wife and I recently had our first child so this is her first mother's day as a mother. All of the previous years when we'd talk on mothers day they could never understand that since my wife was not a mother this holiday wasn't for her. It isn't woman's day but mother's day.