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Thread: Funniest Scripture in the Book of Mormon

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    Stepping Razor wuapinmon's Avatar
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    Default Funniest Scripture in the Book of Mormon

    I've always thought that Helaman 1:21 was the funniest, perhaps unintentionally, scripture in the Book of Mormon:

    21 And it came to pass that Pacumeni, who was the chief judge, did flee before Coriantumr, even to the walls of the city. And it came to pass that Coriantumr did smite him against the wall, insomuch that he died. And thus ended the days of Pacumeni.
    "LDS people need to lighten up and not take religion so seriously." --CardiacCoug
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    liberals tend to take the moral teachings of the New Testament literally and the stories figuratively while conservatives do the opposite." -- Harry Tic

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    The Dude Jeff Lebowski's Avatar
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    This is my favorite (Omni 1:9):

    9 Now I, Chemish, write what few things I write, in the same book with my brother; for behold, I saw the last which he wrote, that he wrote it with his own hand; and he wrote it in the day that he delivered them unto me. And after this manner we keep the records, for it is according to the commandments of our fathers. And I make an end.
    Way to go, Chemish. That was profound.
    So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

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    I sometimes wonder about Mormon as an editor. What drove his decisions? What is essential/inspiring/useful about Chemish?

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    Senior Member byu71's Avatar
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    I have a Bible one. As a matter of fact I have won a few bets with people who think rubber will stretch further than human skin.

    The Bible tells us Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked forty miles.

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    Senior Member myboynoah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by I.J. Reilly View Post
    I sometimes wonder about Mormon as an editor. What drove his decisions? What is essential/inspiring/useful about Chemish?
    Mormon gave the reason he threw that little contribution into the mix as "for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, he worketh in me to do according to his will." Martin Harris might have had something to do with this as well.

    I suspect Chemish's contribution was omitted in the yet unpublished first edition.
    Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

    For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still.

    Not long ago an obituary appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune that said the recently departed had "died doing what he enjoyed most—watching BYU lose."

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    Chemish's contribution is useful for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the demonstration of how a nation on the road to apostasy and destruction regard that which is sacred as little more than historical relics.
    τὸν ἥλιον ἀνατέλλοντα πλείονες ἢ δυόμενον προσκυνοῦσιν

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    Faith crisis consultant SeattleUte's Avatar
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    Here's the funniest to me in the Mormon canon (D&C 45:51):

    And then shall the Jews blook upon me and say: What are these wounds in thine hands and in thy feet?
    I couldn't help it. I always imagined they'd then look at one another and say, "Oh oh. Let's get out of here. RUN!!!"
    When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.

    --Jonathan Swift

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    вот так штука CardiacCoug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    This is my favorite (Omni 1:9):



    Way to go, Chemish. That was profound.
    Passages like this just prove the Book of Mormon is real. Nobody would make up something so pointless.

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    вот так штука CardiacCoug's Avatar
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    We sang this line from the second verse of the hymn "He is Risen" on Easter Sunday and it struck me as funny for the first time:

    "Come with high and holy hymning;
    Chant our Lord’s triumphant lay."

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    Have you seen the Book of Mormon Movie, where Lehi tells his sons they need to return and marry the daughters of Ishmael. Lemual blurts out, "Father this is the best revelation you've had!" and everyone has a good belly laugh.

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    All-American, that is an interesting take on the inclusion of such things as Chemish. Thank you for that. Of course, there are a whole host of other little oddities in the BOM that make you question the wisdom in inclusion, seeing as how most of the BOM was compiled to condense. I guess I haven't thought enough about those sort of things on an individual basis but more as an aggregate, as in why are they all here?

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    Heartless Bastard Indy Coug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by I.J. Reilly View Post
    I sometimes wonder about Mormon as an editor. What drove his decisions? What is essential/inspiring/useful about Chemish?
    Provenance

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    Receiver of Memory LA Ute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by I.J. Reilly View Post
    All-American, that is an interesting take on the inclusion of such things as Chemish. Thank you for that. Of course, there are a whole host of other little oddities in the BOM that make you question the wisdom in inclusion, seeing as how most of the BOM was compiled to condense. I guess I haven't thought enough about those sort of things on an individual basis but more as an aggregate, as in why are they all here?
    Isn't that (the Chemish squib) part of the small plates that Mormon did not edit, but simply included?
    “There is a great deal of difference in believing something still, and believing it again.”
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    "God made the angels to show His splendour - as He made animals for innocence and plants for their simplicity. But men and women He made to serve Him wittily, in the tangle of their minds."
    -- Robert Bolt, A Man for All Seasons


    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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    Receiver of Memory LA Ute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Indy Coug View Post
    Provenance
    Terse, but accurate, I think: It shows the "chain of custody" of the plates. I mean, if you're going to publish an allegory, stuff like that is important, isn't it?
    “There is a great deal of difference in believing something still, and believing it again.”
    ― W.H. Auden


    "God made the angels to show His splendour - as He made animals for innocence and plants for their simplicity. But men and women He made to serve Him wittily, in the tangle of their minds."
    -- Robert Bolt, A Man for All Seasons


    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

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    Living in the Past ... FMCoug's Avatar
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    I always found Omni 1-3 funny. I'm a wicked man but my dad said I should do this so here you go. Your turn son.

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    One man.....one pie Moliere's Avatar
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    This one is my favorite:

    Mosiah 12:1

    1 And it came to pass that after the space of two years that Abinadi came among them in disguise, that they knew him not, and began to prophesy among them, saying: Thus has the Lord commanded me, saying—Abinadi, go and prophesy unto this my people, for they have hardened their hearts against my words; they have repented not of their evil doings; therefore, I will visit them in my anger, yea, in my fierce anger will I visit them in their iniquities and abominations.
    "Discipleship is not a spectator sport. We cannot expect to experience the blessing of faith by standing inactive on the sidelines any more than we can experience the benefits of health by sitting on a sofa watching sporting events on television and giving advice to the athletes. And yet for some, “spectator discipleship” is a preferred if not primary way of worshipping." -Pres. Uchtdorf

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    I like to dance! SoCalCoug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    This is my favorite (Omni 1:9):



    Way to go, Chemish. That was profound.
    I quoted that in a talk a year or so ago. I forget the point I was trying to make.
    If we disagree on something, it's because you're wrong.

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    My Mic Sounds Nice falafel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moliere View Post
    This one is my favorite:

    Mosiah 12:1
    "Who's that preachy new guy?"

    "I think... I think he just said he was Abinadi."

    "Oh yeah, take away that hood, that's definitely Abinadi."

    "I'll get the fire going."
    Ain't it like most people, I'm no different. We love to talk on things we don't know about.

    "The only one of us who is so significant that Jeff owes us something simply because he decided to grace us with his presence is falafel." -- All-American

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fiyero View Post
    Have you seen the Book of Mormon Movie, where Lehi tells his sons they need to return and marry the daughters of Ishmael. Lemual blurts out, "Father this is the best revelation you've had!" and everyone has a good belly laugh.
    Especially since one of those daughters had Goatnapper approved enhancements.

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    Quote Originally Posted by I.J. Reilly View Post
    I sometimes wonder about Mormon as an editor. What drove his decisions? What is essential/inspiring/useful about Chemish?
    Provenance

  21. #21
    lollygagger hostile's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GrizzledVeteran View Post
    Provenance
    Indy, is that you?
    "You interns are like swallows. You shit all over my patients for six weeks and then fly off."

    "Don't be sorry, it's not your fault. It's my fault for overestimating your competence."

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    The Dude Jeff Lebowski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hostile View Post
    Indy, is that you?
    Not even trying anymore, is he?

    FTR, the reason I think the Chemish verse is funny is because that is the only thing that he wrote. "Hey, I am Chemish and I got these plates and passed them on. I am out." Looks like a verse written by slacker.
    So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

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    Has overcome great fear Green Lantern's Avatar
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    I like Ether 11:14
    And it came to pass that Ethem did execute judgment in wickedness all his days; and he begat Moron. And it came to pass that Moron did reign in his stead; and Moron did that which was wicked before the Lord.
    Wait, you named your kid Moron and he turned out to be a bad guy? Shocker! That's like naming your kid Jeeves and expecting him to become something other than a butler.
    Kids in general these days seem more socially retarded...

    None of them date. They hang out. They text. They sit in the same car or room and don't say a word...they text. Then, they go home and whack off to internet porn.

    I think that's the sad truth about why these kids are retards.

    --Portland Ute

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    One man.....one pie Moliere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Green Lantern View Post
    I like Ether 11:14


    Wait, you named your kid Moron and he turned out to be a bad guy? Shocker! That's like naming your kid Jeeves and expecting him to become something other than a butler.
    Did Moron mean the same thing in Reformed Egyptian as it does in English?
    "Discipleship is not a spectator sport. We cannot expect to experience the blessing of faith by standing inactive on the sidelines any more than we can experience the benefits of health by sitting on a sofa watching sporting events on television and giving advice to the athletes. And yet for some, “spectator discipleship” is a preferred if not primary way of worshipping." -Pres. Uchtdorf

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    Senior Member Chachi's Avatar
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    Surfah used to read this scripture to me:

    Solomon's Song 8:8
    We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?

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    Has overcome great fear Green Lantern's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moliere View Post
    Did Moron mean the same thing in Reformed Egyptian as it does in English?
    Morons are universal.
    Kids in general these days seem more socially retarded...

    None of them date. They hang out. They text. They sit in the same car or room and don't say a word...they text. Then, they go home and whack off to internet porn.

    I think that's the sad truth about why these kids are retards.

    --Portland Ute

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    aka Benito Hazard thesaint258's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    Looks like a verse written by slacker.
    Or he was so busy calling people to repentance and fighting off Lamanites that he didn't have the time to write anything. For all we know, Alma, Helaman, and Nephi were the slackers, and Mormon's editing just made them look good.
    Not that, sickos.

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    Bald not naked Pelado's Avatar
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    Speaking of Mormon's editing, I've always gotten a chuckle out of this little piece of self-indulgent commentary in Mosiah 18:30:

    And now it came to pass that all this was done in Mormon, yea, by the waters of Mormon, in the forest that was near the waters of Mormon; yea, the place of Mormon, the waters of Mormon, the forest of Mormon, how beautiful are they to the eyes of them who there came to the knowledge of their Redeemer; yea, and how blessed are they, for they shall sing to his praise forever.

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