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Thread: I learned in church today

  1. #8071
    My Mic Sounds Nice falafel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dwight Schr-ute View Post
    This is pretty good. But not quite as good as the discussion an Institute teacher in Logan walked us right up to the edge and then left us to fall into our new reality of knowing that the reason we know that Adam and Eve didn’t have children in the garden was because their bodies were still perfect i.e. didn’t have blood and therefore Adam was physically unable to have an erection making ejaculation and conception impossible.


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    Shit man. Eternity is going to feel like an eterrrrrrrnity.
    Ain't it like most people, I'm no different. We love to talk on things we don't know about.

    "The only one of us who is so significant that Jeff owes us something simply because he decided to grace us with his presence is falafel." -- All-American

    GIVE 'EM HELL, BRIGHAM!

  2. #8072

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    Quote Originally Posted by falafel View Post
    Shit man. Eternity is going to feel like an eterrrrrrrnity.
    Oh man you're right! No blood after the resurrection! This counts for even the celestial kingdom dwellers!

  3. #8073
    Princeps Inter Pares
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    Quote Originally Posted by Northwestcoug View Post
    Oh man you're right! No blood after the resurrection! This counts for even the celestial kingdom dwellers!
    Not a problem, guys. Havenít you read about Moses turning the snake into a staff?
    τὸν ἥλιον ἀνατέλλοντα πλείονες ἢ δυόμενον προσκυνοῦσιν

  4. #8074
    Royal Rooter Green Monstah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Northwestcoug View Post
    Oh man you're right! No blood after the resurrection! This counts for even the celestial kingdom dwellers!
    Guys: no blood, but still flesh and "bone". I think we're gonna be okay.
    Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

    "Cog dis is a bitch." -James Patterson

  5. #8075
    Royal Rooter Green Monstah's Avatar
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    My freshman year seminary teacher speculated that those who violated their chastity covenants would be eunuchs in the terrestrial kingdom. I didn't know the word, so I asked what it meant. He explained the medieval definition but clarified that it may not be eunuchs in the same sense, but that our genitals would either be non-existent or non-functional.
    Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

    "Cog dis is a bitch." -James Patterson

  6. #8076
    My Mic Sounds Nice falafel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Green Monstah View Post
    Guys: no blood, but still flesh and "bone". I think we're gonna be okay.
    Permabone. Erections lasting more than 4 hours are not good.
    Ain't it like most people, I'm no different. We love to talk on things we don't know about.

    "The only one of us who is so significant that Jeff owes us something simply because he decided to grace us with his presence is falafel." -- All-American

    GIVE 'EM HELL, BRIGHAM!

  7. #8077

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    Quote Originally Posted by All-American View Post
    Not a problem, guys. Haven’t you read about Moses turning the snake into a staff?
    Quote Originally Posted by falafel View Post
    Permabone. Erections lasting more than 4 hours are not good.
    If it's a choice between celestial viagra and a permabone, please give me the former!

  8. #8078
    The dude abides Jeff Lebowski's Avatar
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    Dwight Schr-ute always has some of the best stories.
    "There is no creature more arrogant than a self-righteous libertarian on the web, am I right? Those folks are just intolerable."
    "It's no secret that the great American pastime is no longer baseball. Now it's sanctimony." -- Guy Periwinkle, The Nix.
    "Juilliardk N I ibuprofen Hyu I U unhurt u" - creekster

  9. #8079
    It is NOT a monkey! creekster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Green Monstah View Post
    My freshman year seminary teacher speculated that those who violated their chastity covenants would be eunuchs in the terrestrial kingdom. I didn't know the word, so I asked what it meant. He explained the medieval definition but clarified that it may not be eunuchs in the same sense, but that our genitals would either be non-existent or non-functional.
    SOUnds like an Anne Rice vampire. And what on earth is the point of that speculation?

    These stories are hilarious but also a bit sad, given that they are likely true and that few or none of us have any difficulty believing they are true.
    PLesa excuse the tpyos.

  10. #8080
    The dude abides Jeff Lebowski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by creekster View Post
    SOUnds like an Anne Rice vampire. And what on earth is the point of that speculation?

    These stories are hilarious but also a bit sad, given that they are likely true and that few or none of us have any difficulty believing they are true.
    Of course we believe them, because they originated from Joseph Fielding Smith.

    https://faithpromotingrumor.wordpres...smoothie-rule/
    "There is no creature more arrogant than a self-righteous libertarian on the web, am I right? Those folks are just intolerable."
    "It's no secret that the great American pastime is no longer baseball. Now it's sanctimony." -- Guy Periwinkle, The Nix.
    "Juilliardk N I ibuprofen Hyu I U unhurt u" - creekster

  11. #8081

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    Of course we believe them, because they originated from Joseph Fielding Smith.

    https://faithpromotingrumor.wordpres...smoothie-rule/
    Also YO likes to bring it up occasionally with our apostates.

  12. #8082
    Known Heterosexual RC Vikings's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donuthole View Post



    http://www.cougarstadium.com/showthr...l=1#post389497

    Coming up on 10 years since I learned how efficient (or inefficient, as BYU71 pointed out) our temple work is. Also, RIP BYU71 and RIP Slim.
    I played golf with BYU71 about five weeks ago, he's still hitting it long and straight and very much alive.

  13. #8083
    It is NOT a monkey! creekster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    Of course we believe them, because they originated from Joseph Fielding Smith.

    https://faithpromotingrumor.wordpres...smoothie-rule/
    Yes, the Doctrines of Salvation volumes are full of this sort of stuff. DIfferent era.
    PLesa excuse the tpyos.

  14. #8084
    Royal Rooter Green Monstah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    Of course we believe them, because they originated from Joseph Fielding Smith.

    https://faithpromotingrumor.wordpres...smoothie-rule/
    Part of me is repulsed that this originated from a guy that lived in the same century as me, and part of me is relieved that my seminary teacher didn't come up with this theory whole cloth.
    Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.

    "Cog dis is a bitch." -James Patterson

  15. #8085

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    Quote Originally Posted by Green Monstah View Post
    My freshman year seminary teacher speculated that those who violated their chastity covenants would be eunuchs in the terrestrial kingdom. I didn't know the word, so I asked what it meant. He explained the medieval definition but clarified that it may not be eunuchs in the same sense, but that our genitals would either be non-existent or non-functional.
    gotta love seminary teachers.
    I'm like LeBron James.
    -mpfunk

  16. #8086

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    Quote Originally Posted by smokymountainrain View Post
    gotta love seminary teachers.
    My 9th grade seminary teacher bragged to the class that his wife got pregnant on their honeymoon. He also stated that when they got married he told her that she needed to drop out of school, give up her full ride scholarship, and be a full time wife and mother.
    You know I'm free
    B*** you know I'm free
    Face it girl I'm free
    Yeah you know I'm free
    Okay I'm free yeah
    Free to chain my will onto the wings of my instinct
    And wander round this box you know I'm inextricably linked
    That's right I'm free to make a sooth to catch some stuff that holds me down
    To capture my desires fashion out a viscid crown
    . . .
    I never leave I'm super free
    To fill my smiles up with the tears that I forgot
    And haunt myself beside these pretty ghosts that float my heart
    You know I'm free
    -- Shabazz Palaces: Free Press and Curl

  17. #8087
    My Mic Sounds Nice falafel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MartyFunkhouser View Post
    My 9th grade seminary teacher bragged to the class that his wife got pregnant on their honeymoon. He also stated that when they got married he told her that she needed to drop out of school, give up her full ride scholarship, and be a full time wife and mother.
    Its too bad she was powerless to reject that suggestion. Powerless.
    Ain't it like most people, I'm no different. We love to talk on things we don't know about.

    "The only one of us who is so significant that Jeff owes us something simply because he decided to grace us with his presence is falafel." -- All-American

    GIVE 'EM HELL, BRIGHAM!

  18. #8088

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    Quote Originally Posted by falafel View Post
    Its too bad she was powerless to reject that suggestion. Powerless.
    I think you missed the bigger point here. It is lessons like this that are taught to young children that make girls believe that they shouldn't reject these type of suggestions. Certainly, you can't think that a seminary teacher teaching this is okay? It was entirely inappropriate for him to teach the class that he had authority over his wife to tell her to do these things and she needed to comply.

    Sure she could have rejected the suggestion, but she had been socialized to not reject it.
    You know I'm free
    B*** you know I'm free
    Face it girl I'm free
    Yeah you know I'm free
    Okay I'm free yeah
    Free to chain my will onto the wings of my instinct
    And wander round this box you know I'm inextricably linked
    That's right I'm free to make a sooth to catch some stuff that holds me down
    To capture my desires fashion out a viscid crown
    . . .
    I never leave I'm super free
    To fill my smiles up with the tears that I forgot
    And haunt myself beside these pretty ghosts that float my heart
    You know I'm free
    -- Shabazz Palaces: Free Press and Curl

  19. #8089
    Senior Member Eddie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MartyFunkhouser View Post
    I think you missed the bigger point here. It is lessons like this that are taught to young children that make girls believe that they shouldn't reject these type of suggestions. Certainly, you can't think that a seminary teacher teaching this is okay? It was entirely inappropriate for him to teach the class that he had authority over his wife to tell her to do these things and she needed to comply.

    Sure she could have rejected the suggestion, but she had been socialized to not reject it.
    There are a lot of things that my kids hear at church and school (along with on the radio, TV, online, social media, from friends, etc., etc., etc.,) that we talk about and I hope they don't take as 100% accurate truth all the time because they heard it somewhere.

    I'm sure there are other things that they hear that we don't necessarily talk about specifically - and I feel like it's my job as a parent to teach them good principles in general so that they hear a competing voice when someone tells them stupid stuff.

    Honestly - having a seminary teacher say stupid stuff now and then is probably a net positive. While I hope my kids will generally listen to leaders at church, school teachers, etc., I also hope that they engage their brains and don't believe all of the stupid stuff they'll hear too. Because I know they're going to hear it. And I want them to know that some people who are pretty smart at times and say some pretty good stuff at times, also sometimes say stupid stuff.

  20. #8090
    It is NOT a monkey! creekster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eddie View Post
    There are a lot of things that my kids hear at church and school (along with on the radio, TV, online, social media, from friends, etc., etc., etc.,) that we talk about and I hope they don't take as 100% accurate truth all the time because they heard it somewhere.

    I'm sure there are other things that they hear that we don't necessarily talk about specifically - and I feel like it's my job as a parent to teach them good principles in general so that they hear a competing voice when someone tells them stupid stuff.

    Honestly - having a seminary teacher say stupid stuff now and then is probably a net positive. While I hope my kids will generally listen to leaders at church, school teachers, etc., I also hope that they engage their brains and don't believe all of the stupid stuff they'll hear too. Because I know they're going to hear it. And I want them to know that some people who are pretty smart at times and say some pretty good stuff at times, also sometimes say stupid stuff.
    Good points. I guess Funk must also be dismayed at the normative ideas being hammered into kids in school these days. Goose/gander sort of thing.
    PLesa excuse the tpyos.

  21. #8091
    My Mic Sounds Nice falafel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MartyFunkhouser View Post
    I think you missed the bigger point here. It is lessons like this that are taught to young children that make girls believe that they shouldn't reject these type of suggestions. Certainly, you can't think that a seminary teacher teaching this is okay? It was entirely inappropriate for him to teach the class that he had authority over his wife to tell her to do these things and she needed to comply.

    Sure she could have rejected the suggestion, but she had been socialized to not reject it.
    Or, perhaps, she agreed with her husband. Just because someone doesn't agree with your opinion and analysis (which comes 20 years after the fact) does not mean they have been brain-washed.
    Ain't it like most people, I'm no different. We love to talk on things we don't know about.

    "The only one of us who is so significant that Jeff owes us something simply because he decided to grace us with his presence is falafel." -- All-American

    GIVE 'EM HELL, BRIGHAM!

  22. #8092

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    Quote Originally Posted by falafel View Post
    Or, perhaps, she agreed with her husband. Just because someone doesn't agree with your opinion and analysis (which comes 20 years after the fact) does not mean they have been brain-washed.
    She might have agreed with her husband, but that is not how he presented it to the class. He presented it to the class that he dictated it and presented it as the standard that everyone else should do. Basically, that he is the husband and he calls the shots because he presides. He used it as an example of a husband presiding over the family.
    You know I'm free
    B*** you know I'm free
    Face it girl I'm free
    Yeah you know I'm free
    Okay I'm free yeah
    Free to chain my will onto the wings of my instinct
    And wander round this box you know I'm inextricably linked
    That's right I'm free to make a sooth to catch some stuff that holds me down
    To capture my desires fashion out a viscid crown
    . . .
    I never leave I'm super free
    To fill my smiles up with the tears that I forgot
    And haunt myself beside these pretty ghosts that float my heart
    You know I'm free
    -- Shabazz Palaces: Free Press and Curl

  23. #8093
    Senior Member Katy Lied's Avatar
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    By the time kids are 8, they know all about homosexuality, transgenderism, polyamory, cutting and self-harm, how to send nude pix, and how to worship youtubers. I'm not going to get up in a twist about some guy teaching male patriarchy.

  24. #8094
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    Quote Originally Posted by MartyFunkhouser View Post
    My 9th grade seminary teacher bragged to the class that his wife got pregnant on their honeymoon. He also stated that when they got married he told her that she needed to drop out of school, give up her full ride scholarship, and be a full time wife and mother.
    My wife once went to a fast and testimony meeting in which a sister got up to the pulpit and tearfully expressed how grateful she was that her husband had a good job that provided enough that she could stay at home, etc. As it turns out, they had no children. What she did all day, I could only guess.
    τὸν ἥλιον ἀνατέλλοντα πλείονες ἢ δυόμενον προσκυνοῦσιν

  25. #8095

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    Quote Originally Posted by All-American View Post
    My wife once went to a fast and testimony meeting in which a sister got up to the pulpit and tearfully expressed how grateful she was that her husband had a good job that provided enough that she could stay at home, etc. As it turns out, they had no children. What she did all day, I could only guess.
    Hah. I would be grateful, too.
    "What are you prepared to do?" - Jimmy Malone

    "What choice?" - Abe Petrovsky

  26. #8096
    Senior Member myboynoah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MartyFunkhouser View Post
    She might have agreed with her husband, but that is not how he presented it to the class. He presented it to the class that he dictated it and presented it as the standard that everyone else should do. Basically, that he is the husband and he calls the shots because he presides. He used it as an example of a husband presiding over the family.
    I remember early on in my marriage telling someone in the presence of my wife that while we were dating I told her that I would not marry her unless she converted to LDSism. That was a very abbreviated version of the actual experience, but it seemed to fit the context of conversation at the time. Later that evening mrs. myboynnoah kindly corrected my version of events. I never made that mistake again.

    We all say a lot of really stupid things concerning our interpersonal relationships, especially in marriage. That does not mean that they are true reflections of what actually happened or is happening. Or that evolution in a relationship does not happen over time.

    But yours is another very good example of the stupid things Church instructors have said.
    Give 'em Hell, Cougars!!!

    For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still.

    Not long ago an obituary appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune that said the recently departed had "died doing what he enjoyed mostówatching BYU lose."

  27. #8097
    Where's Wallace? Surfah's Avatar
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    Since we're sharing batshit crazy things seminary teachers said, my freshman year I had a teacher who was a mortician. He was a weird dude. One day he told us he saw Satan. They had a rocking chair at the funeral home and it began to rock. Then Satan basically materialized sitting in the chair and rocking. Our seminary teacher promptly cast him out. Someone in the class asked what Satan looked like and he said he looked very neat and handsome. Lol.
    Last edited by Surfah; 10-05-2019 at 11:41 AM.
    "Nobody listens to Turtle."
    -Turtle

  28. #8098

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    Quote Originally Posted by Surfah View Post
    Since we're sharing batshit crazy things seminary teachers said, my freshman year I had a teacher who was a mortician. He was a weird dude. One day he told us he saw Satan. They had a rocking chair at the funeral home and it began to rock. Then Satan basically materialized sitting in the chair and rocking. Our seminary teacher promptly cast him out. Someone in the class asked what Satan looked like and he said he liked very neat and handsome. Lol.
    Now THAT, that is solid batshit crazy. Love it.

    By and large, morticians are a little weird. Nice people, just slightly off. But Iíve heard the same things said about pathologists

  29. #8099
    The dude abides Jeff Lebowski's Avatar
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    Dang it. I feel like Iíve been cheated by having normal seminary teachers.
    "There is no creature more arrogant than a self-righteous libertarian on the web, am I right? Those folks are just intolerable."
    "It's no secret that the great American pastime is no longer baseball. Now it's sanctimony." -- Guy Periwinkle, The Nix.
    "Juilliardk N I ibuprofen Hyu I U unhurt u" - creekster

  30. #8100
    Local Character clackamascoug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski View Post
    Dang it. I feel like Iíve been cheated by having normal seminary teachers.
    You know how the saying goes... if you don't think your seminary teachers were BSC - it's because your BSC too.

    bazinga!

    When poet puts pen to paper imagination breathes life, finding hearth and home.
    -Mid Summer's Night Dream


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